Breakfast in bed is something we've never really understood. There's all the crumbs! And you can't really sit up. And what if your dog is allowed on the bed? They have so much access. But anyway, it still seems like the ultimate indulgence — something you should only treat yourself to in expensive hotels and on Mother's Day or Hangover Day. Therefore, it's actually no surprise to us that society doyenne Brooke Astor enjoyed breakfast in bed every day. Then, according to testimony by her social secretary during the trial of her alleged money-swindling son Anthony Marshall, she would spend the morning responding to invitations and writing thank-you notes, then head off to some luncheon or charity event that invariably put a smile on Astor's face.
But what really put a smile on her face (when she was alert enough to keep track of what was going on in her later years) was flirting with famous men, according to more testimony. She adored Matthew Broderick and went to see How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying five times. He used to joke around with her as her memory slipped away, and even played with glass figurines with her near the end. Her favorite moment of flirtation was with president Bill Clinton, who gave her a National Medal of Freedom:
"She insisted Bill Clinton had grabbed her on the lower back. The very low back," [friend and theater producer John] Hart said, smiling again at the memory. "She thought he was a lady's man, but she didn't mind."
Leave it to Brooke Astor to find the classiest euphemism for "Bubba grabbed my ass" we've ever heard.
Last night, on the eve of his 59th birthday, lawyer Marc Dreier pleaded guilty to running an investment fraud that cheated investors out of hundreds of millions of dollars. “I understand that everything I was doing was illegal,” said Dreier, whose crime — in which he utilized cell phones, costumes, and fake promissory notes — might have been the biggest and most outrageous New York had ever seen were he not overshadowed by Bernie Madoff, who turned himself in just days after Dreier was arrested, effectively stealing his thunder. In this morning's coverage of the proceedings, the Times did not miss a chance to rub this in:
Prosecutors are seeking about $700 million in forfeiture from Mr. Dreier, whose large losses still pale next to those of the admitted swindler Bernard L. Madoff, whose enormous Ponzi scheme involved an estimated $65 billion.
But Dreier is still a formidably awful human being, prosecutors said yesterday.
"We rarely encounter a less appealing beneficiary of bail," Judge Jed Rakoff said of the grizzled attorney, pointing to the fact that Dreier posted $10 million in bail, ostensibly of his investors' money, which he has used to continue to live in his luxury triplex despite the fact that, according to his attorney, he is otherwise so broke that his college-student son has been forced to use his bar mitzvah money to feed him. And so the judge bestowed upon him an honor that has thus far eluded him: Dreier “has shown that he is to be ranked with those who have committed some of the most egregious frauds in history.” At last: recognition.
Just in case you didn't already wish you could just spin a donkey wheel and flash-forward to tomorrow night's two-hour Lost season-five finale, Ben Linus (né Michael Emerson) has given a cryptically awesome interview to E! Online in which he says this wonderful thing:
"Ours is a show that specializes in big shock endings, but I think season five... None of the other shock endings left me wondering how the show goes on. We have two kinds of huge shocks at the end of this one. Each one alone would be enough to keep an audience eating its own soul for the whole hiatus, but with two, I don't know what you can do with that."
So to what mind-exploding surprises could he possibly be referring to here? The identity of Jacob? That rumored death of a major character? A wedding? A peek at the face of the four-toed statue? A hydrogen-bomb explosion that prevents Flight 815's original crash, thereby undoing everything that's happened in every one of the past 101 episodes? We hope it's a wedding!
Peaches Geldof makes her own magazine, pens an ingenious column for Nylon, has attained unforeseen creative heights as a fashion designer for PPQ, and has given back to the earth with a line of ethical jewelry. Could her résumé be any weightier? Yes. Yes, it can. For she may now add a bullet point for "lingerie model." The 20-year-old is the new face of Ultimo underwear. Ultimo exec Michelle Mone knew she had to have Peaches after she saw topless photos of her in News of the World. "Peaches was the perfect choice for this campaign," she tells the Daily Mail. "She's young, edgy with lashings of style." And lashings of tattoos and come-hither gazes. Peaches says her father hasn't seen the pictures yet, but that's okay because she's old and wise and can do what she damn well pleases.
Photo: Courtesy of Ultimo
'I'm a 20-year-old woman not a 13-year-old girl. I'm glad I can earn money like this...
...Peaches added: 'I'd rather young girls were looking at a normal body like mine rather than an anorexic model.'
She has a point. And when we look at these pictures, the underwear is the last thing we notice after her vine tattoo, shoes, tramp stamp, do-rag, unappetizing assortment of half-drunk milkshakes, and what looks like a misplaced slice of pizza. Clearly Julia Restoin-Roitfeld didn't art-direct this.
AP - Heavyweights of world cinema dominate this year's Cannes Film Festival: Quentin Tarantino, Ang Lee, Pedro Almodovar, Jane Campion, Ken Loach, Lars von Trier.
AP - Heavyweights of world cinema dominate this year's Cannes Film Festival: Quentin Tarantino, Ang Lee, Pedro Almodovar, Jane Campion, Ken Loach, Lars von Trier.
The new Heidi Montag video is out. Why do I mention this? Because the following video raises an interesting philosophical question: Where do we draw the line between calling something a "song" and calling it "sounds and English words happening concurrently?" Do they have to be synched up in any way or make any sense or be in any way catchy, or do random tech noises while a person is opening her mouth count as "music?"
Similar question: When does a "music video" stop being a music video and instead just become filmed footage of someone taking up space? Heidi's really challenging our preconceptions with this sucker:
Yesterday, Simon Cowell — the American Idol judge who last year, on the episode before the season finale, incorrectly guessed that angel-voiced David Archuleta would defeat pitchy bartender David Cook — told Oprah that Adam Lambert will win this season. [AP]
The New York State Assembly will take up the bill introduced by Governor Paterson to legalize marriage between same-sex couples today. It is expected to easily pass it. For some lighthearted background, check out Jeremy Peters's story on proponent Assemblyman O'Donnell's unorthodox tactics (pressure, taunting, flirting) in trying to convince his colleagues to get onboard. [NYT]
Cher donned her famous black bodysuit for an audience in Las Vegas, in an effort to bring an added layer of meaning to the song “Turn Back Time”.
For those who wonder how someone ends up with 8 children, Kate Gosselin has the answer: Slutty Ankle Bear Tattoo.
Good news for people on Team Sutherland: Actress Brooke Shields claims she was actually pushed to the ground by head buttee Jack McCollough. See, we knew Keifer wouldn't waste a perfectly good face slamming for no reason. Bless him.
Recent photos of Kelly Clarkson reveal that her hit single "I Do Not Hook Up" might not necessarily be up to her. (Ed. Note: We actually think she looks fine, and think Meatloaf comparison's are, how do you say?, unfair.)
More topless photos have been released of Miss California's Carrie PreJean, proving the old adage: "If you can't handle the gay heat, go ahead and let your breasts hang out."
Anyway, after much deliberation, we grudgingly worked the flashback sequences into this week's reality index. Happily, Jessica's husband is a bona-fide old who graduated from high school in the eighties and was there to make important points about backintheday, as they call it. So, without further ado...
More Real Than Lily's Crazy Daddy Issues As a Child, Which Translated Into Her Not Giving Her Own Kids a Father Figure:
• Blair: "Serena's been in jail for four hours, she's already served more time than Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie combined!" Granted, she clearly spent some time pacing around and thinking that one up. Or Eric van der Woodsen said it first, but still. Plus 1.
• While stewing in prison, Serena has also had some time to come up with one-liners, for once, and her anger at her mother means she comes up with the worst insult ever: "I would rather put my kids up for adoption than end up like you." Beat. "Oh, wait, you did that." Iced. Plus 3.
• At first when Young CeCe came on, we went into indignant spasms, because while our mother may have looked different 25 years ago, she was still the same person. But the actress who played younger CeCe eventually grew on us. She really had the voice and look down, and they all had clearly practiced similar mannerisms. Plus 4. And yes, old Lily's nose didn't match young Lily's nose, but for that we'll give an additional Plus 3.
• Also, Young Cece had some great lines, like when she said: ""Santa Barbara is really only a prison in my mind." And when she ordered "A gin and tonic … No tonic." Plus 3. Later, in modern times, Lily outs CeCe for hiding a bottle of gin in the bathroom under the sink. Love her. We've said it before and we'll say it again. When we're that age, we're going to perform every bodily function possible with gin, including but not limited to: washing our faces, brushing our teeth, inserting eye drops, filling fishbowls, refreshing ourselves at the gym, taking baths, and washing our hair.
• Rufus heatedly tells Dan and Jenny that Lily had Serena arrested, then spits "I suggest you kids stay out of it; let these van der Woodsen women fight it out themselves!" when they ask why. This is kind of funny: He's too incensed to make any sense. Or he's just unnerved as he's clearly seen some of the punchy side of Lily that we saw this episode; and he knows she goes right for the eyelids. Plus 2.
• Old Cece's pink "walking outfit" includes a cashmere cable-knit sweater, with matching top, pants, and brooch. Plus 2.
• Young Cece does the Jane Fonda workout in an off-the-shoulder top. Plus 1.
• Other things about the eighties flashbacks that were realistic include: Lily saying "headshrinker" and "spaz", the archival footage of chicks with big hair and carb bodies in bikinis, the colored plastic sunglasses, the mention of the valet costing $2, and the cheesy and obvious but nonetheless effective usage of pay and rotary-dial phones, especially the one that Lily's dad had sitting at his table at the restaurant. Plus 5.
• Blair asks Serena, who is still in prison: "Oh God, you're not going to come out of there with a mullet and girlfriend, are you?" Plus 1.
• Old Lily explains Eric's absence by saying she sent him off to a movie with his boyfriend. She's really grown! Plus 1.
• Young Lily: "I don' t even know how to be a prostitute. I mean really, how much small talk is required? And where do you even go? And are BJs a must? Because if that's the case, I'm so not doing that." Plus 2, because we have thought of all of those questions about prostitution. Except maybe the last one.
• Carol's boyfriend: "To the Impala!" Lily: "The what?" Plus 2.
• Blair: "We don't do prom queen; that's for suburban high schools and the lame romantic comedies that are set at them." Now that one seemed off-the-cuff. Plus 2.
• At least Serena has an excuse to look so stringy-haired this time. Plus 1.
• Lily: "Being us is awesome!"
Carol: "All that money comes with strings attached, Lily; people treat you differently."
Lily: "Yeah, better. Plus 2.
• No plus or minus points, but can we get a hell yeah for Shiloh Fernandez, the actor who plays Owen Campos?
• And definitely plus points for Matt Barr, who we love from our secret shame show Harper's Island. He plays Keith van der Woodsen, whose appearance literally made us gasp and kick up our feet like a cartoon rooster. Plus 4 for having him be a hot, blond dick in the mold of Stef from Pretty in Pink, the sort of dude who would clearly have hated his gay son but loved his hot-chick daughter. Therefore, plus 2 for us already understanding why Lily has kept him away from us. And plus 2 for her first interaction with him involving her beating him up. Oh, and plus 2 for him also apparently being best friends with Tom Cruise before he was famous.
• Also, we loved his stupid blonde girlfriend, who had crimped hair and was a dead ringer for Stef's girlfriend in Pretty in Pink. "Finally take the trash back to the Valley." We don't speak L.A., but even we know that was a capital offense. Plus 2.
• "You can't do this stuff in college," Nelly Yuki says knowledgeably when she, Hazel, and Penelope are stuffing the ballot box. "People will think you're pathological." Plus 2.
• Blair's wild-eyed, victorious pronouncement after it is announced she won prom queen: "I OWN PROM." Plus 5.
• At least the bad dancing at prom, despite the cheesy swelling music, is real. No matter how fancy you get, horny teenagers just want to hug and waddle. Plus 2.
• "The Roll and Reel!" Jessica's husband exclaimed, when Young Lily was doing the weird fishing-style dance move to Owen at the party. "Wait!" Jessica paused. "Really, people danced like that?" she asked him. "And it has a name?" He instantly backtracked: "I mean, I like heard about it, but I don't know anyone who actually did it." Plus 3.
Total: 57
Faker Than the Cops Letting You Hang Around in Lockup After Charges Have Been Dropped
• If Serena indeed were somehow able to hang out in prison for as long as she wanted, we highly doubt they would make it comfortable enough for her to be so jolly whenever she's on the phone. Minus 2.
• Did Dorota hand Blair a Vitaminwater "for strength??" Even beyond the annoying product placement, she'd have given her a Klonopin. Please! That completely undoes everything funny subsequently that happens with the beloved maid, including the line "This body bag, corpse not pretty." Minus 1.
• Also, we feel there should have been corresponding retro product placement, like with Five Alive or Tang. Minus 1.
• The exposition about Carol is beyond fake and terrible. Lily and CeCe know who she is. Why do they keep explaining it to one another? Minus 5, because surely there could be some awesome other way of explaining it that involves a PCP binge and a brief hospital visit.
• "Watch where you're going, you idiot, you almost got udon on my Gucci!" Lily yells at Owen in the diner. No way would people be eating udon in 1983 at some cheesy diner. Minus 3.
• Dan: "I think I'm going to need a dress for prom." Jenny: "Okay, well, you're going to have to wear your own shoes." That's cute. But Serena didn't know she was going to be arrested before today. So she clearly would have had a prom dress already. Minus only 2, because at least Lil J's creation managed to do the near impossible — tame Serena's boobs.
• The cabbie would have peeked at Serena changing, sure. But he would have been narrating the whole thing to another driver over his Bluetooth in a language the kids didn't understand. Minus 1.
• Okay, so let's get into this subplot, of the real show, wherein Chuck creates Blair's dream prom for her just "to make sure she had the perfect night." This is the type of totally unrealistic, hokey plotline that damages young girls forever and fucks up their expectations for men in general. Like on a scale of one to ten, one being Dan's borrowing a dress from his sister for Serena and ten being the most popular guy in school dumping his hot girlfriend in order to show up at the house of some sophomore he's never met in a muscle-hugging plaid shirt and whisk her off in a red Ferrari to enjoy a makeout sesh over a birthday cake because she seems, like, real, Chuck's fairy-godmother act is a least a seven or an eight. First of all, high-school guys are neither detail-oriented nor especially thoughtful, and they are certainly not into performing selfless actions of romance they will not get credit, i.e. laid, for. If they do, then they are stalkers and weird. Second, Jessica has lived her entire life without ever having received a dress mysteriously delivered in a box from Paris that looked like a hideous Beyoncé creation on the hanger but in real life was breathtaking and fit her exactly, and she has a sneaking suspicion that this is due less to her station in life than the fact that it never happens to anyone, ever. If you know differently, please e-mail jpressler [at] nymag.com with the entire story. Until then, minus 10.
• Also regarding that situation: Nate wouldn't be perceptive enough to figure out that Chuck was up to something regarding prom. Did getting into Columbia make him get smarter, as opposed to vice versa? Minus 2.
• AND: Blair would obviously pick up on the prom-queen ruse from the very beginning. No change of social plans like that would be made without the Queen B's knowledge, Plus, look at the other names on the list: Nelly Yuki, Terri Murphy, Nate Archibald, Mitchell Shepherd, and Daniel Colman. Nelly Yuki 's name on the list would have tipped her off from the very beginning, as would the absence of Serena. Plus, the girls couldn't keep a straight face (part of why they were always second to Blair in the first place). No matter how distracted Blair was by her fantasy, she didn't suddenly become dim-witted. Minus 5.
• Maybe we're not giving Blair enough credit, but it always seemed to us that a large majority of high-school girls in long-term relationships kept their high-school boyfriends for awkwardly too long into freshman year. Whether or not the boyfriend cooperated, the girls never gave up that easily. Minus 2.
• Young Lily asks Owen where the bar is, and he knows, even though the two of them just climbed through a window into a walk-in closet. Minus 4.
• Carol has never been mentioned on this show before (maybe once, by Rufus?), and now everyone in modern times is constantly talking about her. See above re: exposition. Minus 3.
• Young Cece: "Oh Lily, the hopes and dreams I had for you! An Ivy League education, life on the Upper East Side, married to the richest man in Manhattan."
Lily: "That's the thing, mom, those are your dreams, not mine." We can't tell if this would be less ridiculous if the actress playing CeCe wasn't so bad. Wait, no, it would still be insultingly absurd. Minus 5.
• Other things that were bad about the eighties flashback: The self-conscious changing montage, wherein Brittany tried on outfits belonging to Madonna, Olivia Newton John, and Janet Jackson. The appearance of a Rubix cube, just at the very moment Carol said: "A music video equals national exposure, it's the birth of a new art form." Lily's Porsche 911, the fanny-pack plotline, the fact that when the Missing Persons "Destination Unknown" came on Jessica's husband pointed out this weird story about how the lead singer had been charged with a bajillion counts of animal cruelty after collecting a massive amount of feral cats. Minus 7.
Total: 54
This episode landed slightly on the reality side, but only because the eighties flashbacks tried so hard for temporal authenticity. In doing so, though, they sacrificed too much of the show we actually signed up to watch. For example, what happened to Poppy and Georgina, and the handsome guy with the chin who had the voice of a sultry lesbian? And everybody's money? We only have one episode left to get us through the summer! (Fortunately, judging from the preview, it looks to be a doozy.)
Power Duo:Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams will co-star in indie drama Blue Valentine. The two will play a couple whose marriage is failing and who sit around remembering when stuff wasn’t bad. The real life parallels to the careers of the young actors — who started out on The Mickey Mouse Club and Dawson’s Creek, respectively, before fading into their current oblivion — are eerie. [Variety]
Addams Moves Forward: The previously announced Addams Family musical will open on Broadway in April with Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth in the lead parental roles, and with Jackie Hoffman as Grandmama, Kevin Chamberlin as Uncle Fester, and Krysta Rodriguez as Wednesday. The plot concerns the shock waves that run through the fam when Wednesday falls for a perfectly normal boy. Meanwhile, the search for the perfect Thing, understandably fruitless thus far, continues. [Variety]
Hedy Lamarr, Scientist:Rachel Weisz (V-I-C-E) is loosely attached to the lead role in Amy (daughter of Robert) Redford’s Hedy Lamarr biopic Face Value. Redford’s film will touch on the forties movie star’s better known achievements, notably her lead turn in Cecil B. DeMille's Samson and Delilah, but will mostly focus on Lamarr’s secondary career as an accomplished scientist: Lamarr apparently helped develop a method of changing frequencies that became a forerunner to wireless communications. And with that, this item has reached its whimsy quota. [HR]
Director Dermot:Dermot Mulroney’s first directorial project will be the family dramedy Keep It Together. The plot revolves around a dewy-eyed young marriage counselor who returns from her honeymoon to learn that her parents, her model for a perfect marriage, are getting a divorce. Blythe Danner and Christopher Walken play the parents, but the young woman hasn’t been cast yet; if it turns out it’s Amy Adams, we will respectfully and persistently remind you that we so called it. [HR]
Small Town Murder:The Mentalist’s Simon Baker has joined the Jim Thompson adaptation The Killer Inside Me. The plot revolves around a small-town West Texas sheriff (played by Casey Affleck) who becomes a sociopathic murderer. Baker will play an attorney out to expose him. Also previously cast are Kate Hudson, who plays the sheriff’s girlfriend, and Jessica Alba, who plays the governor of Texas. No, she plays a prostitute. [HR]
EVENTS
• The new fashion website Stylecaster.com is searching for models for their Daily Looks feature. Models will be chosen based on personal style. 49 W. 27th St., nr. Sixth Ave.; 11–1:30.
SALES ONLINE ONLY
• Get 75 percent off MINT Jodi Arnold online. Tops start at $120 (originally $300 to $400), dresses are $150 (originally $375 to $560), and jackets start at $200 (originally $500). Through 5/22. Online only.
• Save 50 percent on the spring 2009 collection by Lutz & Patmos. Just type in "finalsale50" at checkout for the discount. Through 7/5. Online only.
• Visit Gilt.com for its Give Fashionably blowout sale, including a Donna Karan yoga mat for $40, tees by Diane Von Furstenberg for $20, and a Patrick Robinson for Gap cosmetic case for $15. All proceeds will benefit charities chosen by the CFDA and Gilt Groupe. Through 5/13. Online only. Not a member? Click here for your invite.
• Everything is 25 percent off at the Love Rocks NY site. Pendants are $225 (originally $300) and rings are $1,200 (originally $1,600). Just type "love25" at checkout. Through 5/31. Online only.
• Get 25 percent off necklaces, bracelets, earrings, and totes by Pretty Little Thing at the company's online sample sale. Through 5/26. Online only.
THIS WEEK
• Get Joseph Abboud dress shirts, suits, and ties for wholesale prices. Through 5/15. Soiffer Haskin, 317 W. 33rd St., nr. Eighth Ave. (718-747-1656); M–Th (9–7), F (9–5).
• Walter Steiger shoes are 30 to 50 percent off (sale includes press samples only). Through 5/16. 417 Park Ave., at 55th St. (212-826-7171); M–S (10–6).
STARTING TOMORROW
• Pretty summer dresses, sweet candles, and adorable kids’ clothes are up to 60 percent off at Tocca. Through 5/15. 542 W. 22nd St., nr. Eleventh Ave., third fl. (212-929-7122); daily (11:30–7:30).
• Lela Rose party dresses and ready-to-wear pieces are 50 to 75 percent off. Through 5/15. 224 W. 30th St., nr. Seventh Ave., thirteenth fl.; W–F (9–6).
• Tibi clothes are up to 75 percent off — a strapless cover-up is $40 (originally $185), a chiffon gown is $189 (originally $695), and swimwear is $50 per set (originally $180). Through 5/15. 409 W. 39th St., nr. Ninth Ave.; W (1–7), Th (10–7), F (10–6).
• Gant’s all-American men’s and women’s clothes are right for the season, and mind-blowingly cheap: swimsuits are $20 (normally $79–$185), sweaters are $35 (normally $225), and blazers are $95 (normally $895). Through 5/15. 20 W. 55th St., nr. Fifth Ave., eleventh fl. (212-230-1949); W, Th (8:30–6:30), F (8:30–5).
• Yigal Azrouël gowns are $275, dresses are $125, tops are $100, pants are $75, and men's clothes start at $43. Through 5/15. 225 W. 39th St., nr. Seventh Ave., seventh fl. (212-302-1194); W, Th (9–7), F (9–3).
• Handbags, shoes, and belts by Be & D are 30 to 75 percent off. The Greta clutch is $125 (originally $595), and the Kan Kan portfolio is $200 (originally $595). Through 5/14. 35 W. 36th St., nr. Fifth Ave., tenth fl. (212-629-3242); daily (9–7).
Top 10 films in Canada for the weekend of May 8-10 ranked by box office receipts: 1. "Star Trek" - $5,793,191 2. "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" - $2,314,323 3. "Ghosts of Girlfriends... Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 12 May 2009 | 1:12 pm
Actor, 60, found dead in his West Hollywood home.By MTV News Staff Michael Landon in 1984 Photo: Ann Clifford/ DMI/ Time Life Pictures/ Getty Image Mark Landon, the eldest son of late "Little... Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 12 May 2009 | 1:07 pm
• Heidi Montag does a fantastic impression of a snake in dire need of Ritalin in her video for "Black Out," you know, the one she made on her "honeymoon" in Mexico....
The three members of Depeche Mode are still partial to wearing black, but their attitude is a lot lighter and brighter than their music and history would suggest. CNN spoke to the group's members about their new album, "Sounds of the Universe," their three decades in the business and the effects of heavy drinking.
Admittedly feeling not so much prolific as just more ambitious, Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne tells Billboard.com his alternative-psychedelic band is planning a late summer street date for its first double album, which is a follow-up to 2006 effort "At War with the Mystics."
As was expected from week one, Melissa Rycroft, Shawn Johnson and Gilles Marini are still here, busting their tails to distinguish themselves as the best.
Ty Murray has already...
How do you escape a moving submarine? Apparently Kate got herself captured by the Dharma Initiative so that she could spend the finale in the company of Juliet and Sawyer...who so totally do not...
Cannes film festival artistic director Thierry Fremaux, seen here, said he was convinced 3D was "one of cinema's upcoming adventures." Source: RSS feed - channel BNImagesEnter | 12 May 2009 | 4:56 am
A Disney/Pixar handout from the film "Up". Cannes will add a new chapter to its history -- and give a nod to what some hail as the future of cinema -- when the Riviera film festival kicks off Wednesday... Source: RSS feed - channel BNImagesEnter | 12 May 2009 | 4:56 am
Less than a week after Michael Jackson was dealt two new lawsuits, a new one is on the way that could put the kibosh his Final Curtain Call.
President and CEO of AllGood...
Front Page: Jim Carrey film acquired by Pictures Group -- Jim Carrey starrer "I Love You Phillip Morris" has been acquired for domestic distribution by Consolidated Pictures Group.
Front Page: Cabler goes before other nets with 'Star' buy -- FX is banking on the new "Star Trek" pic to play long and prosper for the cabler, which has picked up TV rights to this weekend's box office champ.
Front Page: Studio greenlights 3-D digital animated film -- Twentieth Century Fox Animation is heading south for its next bigscreen project from Blue Sky Studios.
Front Page: Film to be based on 'American' TV show -- Johnny Ferraro, creator of the "American Gladiators" TV franchise, is bringing a live-action adaptation of the property to the bigscreen.
This should be a no-brainer.
Land of the Lost wasn't exactly great television, but it was unforgettable. The 1970s Sid & Marty Krofft series about a father and...
It's finale time on TV, and that means a veritable bonanza of births, deaths, weddings, love declarations, illicit assignations, consummations, character reveals and devastating...
Mark Landon, the eldest son of legendary actor Michael Landon, has passed away. The actor, 60, was found dead in his West Hollywood home on Monday.
The Los Angeles County...
Reuters - Actor Kiefer Sutherland says he was "neither the instigator nor the wrongdoer" in an incident that saw him charged with assault for headbutting a fashion designer who bumped actress Brooke Shields at a swank New York party. Source: Yahoo! News: Fashion News | 11 May 2009 | 11:36 pm
Earlier today we brought you a tiny taste of French Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld's interview with Acne Paper for their new eroticism-themed issue. The article is now posted on the Internet and it's a fascinating glimpse into the mind of what some call the world's most stylish woman. She never wears jeans or miniskirts, wears the men's scent Opium, and explains why the French have it so good. Also, she does not weigh the editors in her office, okay?
Jeans are for assistants.
I only wear jeans and flat shoes when I am on holiday, never for work. Jeans suit me very well but it's not for me anymore. It's horrible to say but it has something to do with age. I have good legs, so I prefer my skirt lengths and my high heels. It's like my uniform. I never wear jeans. Jeans are for my assistants ... I wore knee-length jeans skirts. I never wear miniskirts because they make me look older.
She thinks she doesn't look like she has anything special on.
If people ask me to describe my look I always say: quite classic with an edge. Look at my dress. It doesn’t look like I have on anything special, it’s more the way you mix the clothes and how you move, how you open your bag, how you cross your legs – just little things that make a difference. With French women you first see the woman and then you see the clothes. Imagine other countries like Russia or China, even Eastern Europe. They don’t have the culture of clothes so they want to show that they can afford to buy a Dolce & Gabbana bag, they want to show labels. In France you cannot see what labels we are wearing. It is very snobby.
Every woman over 35 in France isn't addicted to Botox.
We have the sort of beautiful older woman here in Paris. People like Loulou de la Falaise and Betty Catroux, all these beautiful looking women over 60... So there is culture here in France that even if you are older you can stay beautiful. Some people do surgery but it’s subtle and the teeth are less white. I think it’s less common in France that a man at the age of 50 buys a Porsche and gets a young girlfriend.
The French are not into gyms.
Oh, there are some overweight women here but it’s not like in America. Going to the gym is not like in New York where you have these huge places where hundreds of people are running together. This doesn’t exist in France. We don’t have the space and it’s really not in the French mentality.
She does not weigh her staffers, but it's not like she needs to.
In France we drink wine and eat cheese and bread and finally we stay slim. I am skinny, and all my girls are skinny. People think I weigh my girls in the office but I do not. We have a scale in the office because we travel a lot and sometimes you can’t bring more than 25 kilos a case. It’s just to weigh my luggage, not to weigh my editors. Still, you know it’s easier to look great in a dress when you are skinny. But I like a bit of curves and I like to do stories with different kinds of women because I see beauty in everyone.
Carine may have something to do with how you shave down there.
When I started doing all the Gucci campaigns with Tom Ford and Mario Testino we pushed so much and after that everyone copied it. Everyone tried to be this Gucci girl that we created. So I am sure we were part of this tendency. It was good at the time because we were the first ones to do these kinds of images to sell a product and after that everyone kept on doing it. I think now it’s too much. It’s no fun. It’s not chic. We always had a chic eye on everything, even when we shaved the G on the girl. A lot of girls started shaving their pussy in different ways after that so it really became a trend.
The R.E.D. Album, the follow-up to the Game’s intermittently great 2008 disc L.A.X., isn’t out until the winter, but the proud Comptonite has gifted us early: “Bang Along,” which leaked today, is the audio equivalent of a breezy SoCal joyride (and, if we had an in with the programming director at Z100, a legitimate song of the summer contender). Over a beat so laid-back it's almost catatonic, Game awesomely reflects on the days of getting in trouble for taking the Duck Hunt gun outside and quoting 2 Live Crew to get girls out of their training bras. Also, the outro — in which Game provides a mesmerizingly detailed account of Hector, his neighborhood ice-cream man, complete with re-created dialogue from when the vendor would run out of ice-cream sandwiches — is the best spoken-word reminiscence on childhood snacks in a hip-hop song since Ghostface immortalized Chick-o-Sticks on “Child’s Play.”
Malcolm Gladwell isn’t a basketball novice. His explanation of Isiah Thomas’s horrible tenure as Knicks GM (midway down this exchange) remains the seminal analysis of that dark period in American history. So it was with puzzlement that we read his piece in last week’s New Yorker “Innovators” issue, an attempt to explain how underdogs of all sorts can be successful. While the article addresses guerrilla warfare and IT systems, its central narrative is that of a 12-year-old girls’ basketball team in the Bay Area that dominated more talented opponents by getting in great shape and running a full-court press. It’s a perfectly fun story, but Gladwell takes it to indefensible lengths, literally concluding that most underdog basketball teams “would rather lose” than put in the effort required to win. Can that possibly be true? Well, no. Gladwell’s reasoning is flawed from the beginning, when he depicts the girls’ basketball coach, an Indian immigrant, watching his first basketball game.
A basketball court was ninety-four feet long. But most of the time a team defended only about twenty-four feet of that, conceding the other seventy feet .... Why, then, did weak teams play in a way that made it easy for good teams to do the very things that made them so good?
The piece would have us believe there are two kinds of defense: a full-court press, and one that lets the offense dribble up court and set up plays unimpeded. But that’s a false dichotomy. The truth is that almost every team tries to make its opponents work for all 94 feet in some fashion, and not every underdog is born to run a full-court press. For example, take a team of mediocre players plus two pretty good athletes — one a tiny but quick guard, the other a big man who’s strong but slow on his feet. If that team ran a full-court press, the opposition would exploit the big guy by sending the player he guards sprinting down the floor on a fast break, while the small guard would be wasted guarding someone who probably doesn’t have possession, since the standard reaction to a press is to pass the ball around. A better strategy would be for the quick guard to pressure the opposition’s ball handler while the other players retreat, giving the big guy time to lurk near the basket and shot-block.
Conversely, the press isn’t always an advantage. What if you’re an underdog and you’re playing the notoriously vigorous all-out hustlers at Duke? The most misleading part of Gladwell’s case concerns Rick Pitino, the Kentucky coach who was famously defeated on a last-second play by Duke in the 1992 NCAA tournament when he decided not to guard Grant Hill, who was inbounding the ball (ignoring the inbounder is a key component of the press). Gladwell attempts to shoehorn Pitino’s teams into the “underdog” category: “College coaches of Pitino’s caliber typically have had numerous players who have gone on to be bona-fide all-stars at the professional level,” he writes. “In his many years of coaching, Pitino has had one, Antoine Walker. It doesn’t matter. Every year, he racks up more and more victories.”
One can imagine a nation of basketball coaches playing the world’s smallest violin for Pitino as he faced the insurmountable obstacle of recruiting players to the most successful program in the history of college basketball. In fact, as others have pointed out, the ’96 Kentucky squad discussed in the piece featured a staggering nine players who would go on to play in the NBA; all five starters had pro careers of at least eight years. What was exceptional about that team was not that it overcame a lack of talent with the press; rather, it was just how perfectly those players were suited to run it. They were all agile, fast, and long-limbed; the shortest player was point guard Tony Delk — who was blessed with freakishly long arms. Pitino deserves praise for assembling a team that could execute his defensive system to perfection, but that doesn’t mean he — or those 12-year-olds from Silicon Valley — should be emulated in all, or even most, situations. Underdogs beware.
Well, this is certainly a fiasco! Indiewire today reports that NPR has censored critic Nathan Lee's review of Kirby Dick's documentary Outrage — which takes the media to task for not outing closeted politicians who enact anti-gay legislation — by scrubbing the names of pols Larry Craig and Charlie Crist, both of whom are referenced in the film. Lee, in protest, asked that his byline be taken off the review, and he left a comment complaining about the edit, which was subsequently deleted. The reason, according to an NPR spokesman: “NPR has a long-held policy of trying to respect the privacy of public figures and of not airing or publishing rumors, allegations and reports about their private lives unless there is a compelling reason to do so." Movieline has already helpfully provided evidence that this is completely untrue. [Indiewire via Movieline]
Front Page: 'Trek' helps Viacom buck Monday's downtrend -- A round of mostly dismal earnings over the past several weeks has nonetheless left Wall Street feeling better about showbiz stocks than it has in several months.
For a few rocky months it has seemed that our great nation has been on the brink of a kind of civil war. The poor, or at least poor-ish, have been clamoring for the heads of the very rich, causing the very rich to withdraw into themselves, to hoard gold, wear drab clothes, and even talk of barricading themselves in their mansions. But today during Duke University's commencement proceedings, the sage Oprah, whose program has for years encouraged conspicuous consumption among all classes, did her best to quell the fevered state of our culture by setting the priorities of the youth of America firmly back in line. Despite the behavior of a handful of certain CEOs and the grotesque caricatures featured on Bravo's Real Housewives series and The Hills, wealth, she reminded the youths (and in turn all of us, because, like God, when Oprah speaks we somehow all hear it), is not synonymous with evil. Wealthiness is something to admire, to aspire to. To put it simply:
“It’s great to have a nice home. It’s great to have nice homes! It’s great to have a private jet. Anyone that tells you that having your own private jet isn’t great is lying to you."
Make no mistake, this is huge. The Wall Street Journal is already heralding the end of "hair-shirt capitalism and envy politics." The markets, down this afternoon, will surely see an uptick tomorrow once the Word spreads. Let the healing begin.
Aren't we all? The big NIN/JA tour — for the acronym-averse, that stands for Nine Inch Nails and Jane's Addiction — suffered its first setback last night when Perry Farrell tore his calf muscle while prancing about onstage. We're confident that this won't have any effect on Farrell's laughable side career as house-music maven DJ Peretz, but we kinda wish it would. [HuffPo]
By now, we're all aware of Megan Fox's thing—she looks all hot (sometimes with her tongue out) and says whatever sexually charged thing pops into her head.
We approve. So...
The media continues to valiantly attempt to adjust to the inexorable pull of the Internet tide (swim across it, not against it!) this week. The Times released their new mobile reader, which will allow you to download seven days' worth of papers and read them while offline, in a manner more reminiscent of the way a physical newspaper is scanned. And News Corp. announced plans to institute micro-payments for individual articles. But the news today is by far not all good.
• Playboy reported a $13.7 million net loss during the first quarter of 2009, compared to a $4.2 million loss during the same period in 2008. If naked chicks don't sell, what is media coming to?! [Folio]
• Bonnier Corp. is relocating the editorial and production operations of Babytalk magazine from New York to its headquarters in Florida. The move, according to a company spokesperson, will be made "in order to operate more efficiently and take advantage of existing corporate resources," or in our words, "in order for staffers to benefit from their bubbes babysitting." [Folio]
• In addition to the layoffs we reported last week, multiple sources have told FishbowlNY that senior staffers at New York public-radio station WNYC will be taking a 5 percent pay cut as the station faces decreased underwriting revenues and a budget deficit. [FishbowlNY/Mediabistro]
• The news for stations has been grim lately: Without election advertisements to defray the losses in automotive ads, a cross section of station owners reported 20 percent to 30 percent quarterly drops in revenue last week, suggesting that the local-TV business is almost as weak as its print counterpart. [NYT]
• But these TV stations are less likely to report their own downfall. A University of Pennsylvania study found 900 articles about the drop in newspaper circulation and 95 about the shrinking audience for the broadcast networks' newscasts. [NYT]
• Swedish newspaper group Metro International has agreed to sell its loss-making U.S. papers, with a combined circulation of 590,000 daily copies reaching some 1.2 million readers, to a company run by a former Metro CEO. No news yet on whether layoffs will follow. [HuffPo]
• Twenty newsroom-based Media Workers Guild employees at the San Francisco Chronicle were involuntarily laid off Friday. SFist lists most of the confirmed names. [SFist]
• Rolling Stone Mexico has been shuttered after seven years. See the Google-translated announcement here. [Rolling Stone Mexico]
Ciara's new "Love Sex Magic" routine feels like a sad attempt at a Beyoncé–Rihanna–Lady Gaga fusion. As such, she elected not to wear pants for her Saturday Night Live performance over the weekend. Her state of pantslessness was highlighted by her dancers, who wore pants, and, also by Justin Timberlake, who performed with her wearing lots of clothes. Ciara wore almost no clothes and did splits next to him. This cannot be good for us women.
Two months ago, eccentric entertainer Michael Jackson announced a string of 50 concert dates at London's O2 Arena that would once again make him rich enough to spend outrageous amounts of money on the world's most hilarious crap. But, in news that will surely come as a blow to merchants of things with diamonds affixed to them, a new lawsuit may prevent those shows from taking place. Lawyers for AllGood Entertainment — the company who late last year attempted to organize a tour with Jackson, his sister Janet, and the surviving members of the Jackson 5 — is attempting to block Jacko's "This Is It" tour on the grounds that he purportedly agreed not to perform anywhere for eighteen months following the collapse of plans for the family shows. Jackson says he never officially agreed to the called-off jaunt, though his accuser claims a manager may have signed a form without his knowledge (which, frankly, we find hard to believe).
AP - Blessedly, "Angels & Demons" is more entertaining and less self-serious than its predecessor, the dense and dreary yet enormously successful "The Da Vinci Code."
Details about the incident are surprisingly sketchy given how perfectly this event would seem to lend itself to a tabloid cover, but apparently a man drove his car into the comically polluted Gowanus Canal at around 11 p.m. on Friday; both he and the car were subsequently removed only slightly the worse for wear. Will the toxic waste and whatnot turn him into a Gowanus superhero? [Pardon Me for Asking]
Would they really dare to kill such a major character like Izzie on Grey's Anatomy?
—Veux, via the Answer B!tch inbox
Oh, yes. Yes, "they" might very well do...
Los Angeles billionaire David Geffen made a bid to purchase the 19 percent of the New York Times Company currently owned by hedge fund Harbinger Capital. The offer was declined. [Fortune]
After Nikki Finke reported last week that the Gossip Girl spinoff was off, the CW told us she was wrong. Then we heard from an Important Hollywood Source that Finke was right, it was off; then a couple of days later our Source turned around and said, actually, no, it is back on. So who knows. All we know for sure is that the pilot for Lily — which is a boring name, so we're going to continue calling it The Adventures of Bullwinkle — will air tonight, and creator Stephanie Savage gave an interview to some blogger telling them what to expect.
For instance, when the blogger asked what year the show would be set in, this is what Savage had to say:
We’re going to try and be somewhat vague about that, just so we don’t get trapped in nitpicking
Ha! Nitpickers! That's you and us she's talking about, commenters.
She went on:
but we’re starting somewhere around 1983. The idea is that it’s Lily in high school, so we wanted to give it a nice long run before it turns into the 90s when she’d be meeting Rufus.
Wait wait wait. We're not the brightest penny in the packet when it comes to mathematics, but we think Savage just said she was imagining this show will run for over seven years. Holy hell! By 2016 Intel Jessica's boobs will be swinging somewhere down around her navel and Chris will be wearing Depends underneath his opaque white tights! If these shows survive that long, we're not sure we will. If anyone needs us the rest of the afternoon, we'll be in the bathroom, crying.
MORE LIKE OLDS OF THE WORLD: The UK's News Of The World arrives a little late to the BWE scoop, but apparently, Michael Phelps is, in fact, a douche. (Deadspin)
A TIME TO BUTT: New versions of the Kiefer Sutherland headbutting story keep coming up. Maybe their publicists are attempting to spin things, or maybe...this is like the movie Rashomon but with more alcoholic headbutting? (Socialite Life)
THERE WILL BE BLOOD: Maya Rudolph and Paul Thomas Anderson are expecting their second child together. If I know P.T.A., I think we can expect about another fifteen before this one's over. (People)
CAPTAIN'S LOG: Here's a graphical history of Star Trek cast hotness through the years. Good luck arguing that things didn't peak with Bakula. (Nerve)
RUN-BY FRUITING: Dude, it took you five decades to grow a pair and fess up about that tomato? You're dead to me. (Holy Taco)
NEW IDEA: The Soup is planning to air an internet-themed spinoff called "Web Soup" on G4. A web version of a pop culture roundup show? Hahaha...Good luck with that! (Variety)
• Nick Cannon zings Eminem, renaming him Slim Lamey, for making Mariah Carey jokes. Mr. Carey blogs, "Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my...
Tagline: "In the future, a new form of entertainment will be unleashed."
Translation: We're pretty sure we've seen this future before, only last time around it was called The Running Man.
The Verdict: You may be surprised to learn that the latest film from the certifiably insane (and we mean that in the best possible way) directing duo of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor isn't actually their latest film. Gamer was shot well before the two tag-teamed on Crank: High Voltage, but it's been collecting dust ever since as the higher-ups at Lionsgate figured out what to do with it. And apparently, they decided to dump it into the box-office wasteland that is Labor Day weekend, where it will open up against the similarly neglected Extract. As far as plot goes, well, we mentioned that it bears a striking resemblance to The Running Man, only swap in Gerard Butler for The Governator and add a newfangled real-life video game element to the proceedings. And although this version is missing the campy talents of Richard Dawson, Michael C. Hall seems hell-bent on making up for it, as he made the – um, let's say, interesting – choice to channel the spirit and accent of James Carville in his performance as the movie's villain.
The Miss California USA controversy is playing out like one of Donald Trump's highly rated reality shows, with viewers waiting to hear whether he'll utter his famous phrase, "You're fired!"
Playbill - Stacy Keach returns to the Everest of Shakespeare roles, King Lear, June 16 with the first preview of the Washington, DC, premiere of Robert Falls' production. Source: Yahoo! News: Entertainment News | 11 May 2009 | 9:32 pm
The clothes at the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday weren't the most exciting cluster of dresses we've seen in our lives, but there were politicians and all kinds of important folk in the room so we can't expect a couture extravaganza. Even so, that doesn't mean the clothes don't warrant judgment. For there were some interesting pieces — like Barbara Walters's dress, which was the very same dress she wore to the Time 100 Gala on Tuesday last week. Ashton Kutcher wore a sad, floppy bowtie. Tyra Banks looked like she couldn't be bothered to change after work. And Natalie Portman wore a lovely fall 2004 Balenciaga number. See all those and more in the slideshow.
From Keira Knightley's digitally enhanced bosom in King Arthur to the Sienna Miller bra-stuffing allegations that plagued the set of G.I. Joe, Hollywood has a long and sordid history of using visual trickery in an attempt to make its leading ladies seem more appealing. But now, the Internet is rife with allegations that Jake Gyllenhaal's abs in Prince of Persia might be ... *gasp* ... painted on! Frankly, we're not sure how to react: Should we be happy that Hollywood might now be an equal-opportunity offender or upset with Jake for possibly taking a shortcut with regard to crunches? [Movieline]
The hilarious Bill Hader stopped by the Best Week Ever set today to talk about his new movie Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian (We've seen the movie, and he steals the show as General Custer). Here are Paul and Bill before shooting their sketch:
Check out the film when it opens nationwide this Friday, but make sure you're home on the couch with a bag of chips by 11pm so you don’t miss Bill Hader on an all new Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins. (Yes, PFT will be wearing this hat.) Source: Best Week Ever | 11 May 2009 | 9:30 pm
In their bid to remain the most bizarrely attractive, D-2-E (down to Earth...) people on the planet, Heidi Klum and Seal decided to renew their vows the only way British and German entertainers know how... by dressing up as WHITE TRASH... or, as Seal likes to put it: Black Bon Jovi:
MAKEUP
• Jennifer Lopez likes to wear nude colors on her lips at almost every event. She likes to repeat looks, just like Michelle Obama! [Style.com/Beauty Counter]
• Malin + Goetz's new Mojito lip balm features 10 Cane Rum that smells like the summer drink. But the product doesn't contain any actual rum, just the sugar. So you'll smell boozy without actually being drunk. [Fashionista]
HAIR
• In Britain, "the era of overindulgent male grooming is over and understated sophistication is back," because the BBC's business editor Robert Peston and his conservative hairstyle won a "Best Hair" poll. He beat James Bond star Daniel Craig. [Independent]
• When Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd visited Australian troops in Afghanistan last Christmas, he allegedly lost his temper and threw a tantrum when he was told he couldn't blow-dry his hair before a photo shoot. His representative said that this was a rumor, though there have been previous reports of his anger issues. We've thrown tantrums over less. [Times UK]
NAILS
• Dashing Diva's summer collection of nail polishes is inspired by Manhattan. Colors include NYPD Blue, East Village, Red Carpet, Water Taxi, and In a New York Minute. [Butterfly Diary]
Front Page: 'Addams' musical sets April opening -- Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth have signed on as the leads of tuner "The Addams Family," which has nailed down an April opening on Broadway.
Since Michelle has trademarked the "For Your Consideration" title and post-structure, I'll have to call the following photo roundup from White House Correspondents' Dinner "For Your Regard," or alternatively, "Cor Your Fonsideration," or "For Your Consideration: McDowell's Edition." Take your pick. With all legal prefacing out of the way, onto the photos and my inane captions...
"All right, All right, I'll say it... I have HAD it with these motherf***ing PRESIDENTS in this motherf***ing WHITE HOUSE!!"
Samuel L Jackson
"That cute audience coordinator in the bathroom stall was just my warmup, Michelle Obama..."
Ed Westwick
"Keep an eye out for my $9.99 Christmas Duets CD in the front of Best Buys this Holiday season."
Brian Williams
"This looks like a f***ing DOG'S (White House Correspondents) DINNER!"
Gordon Ramsay
"I used my annual 'looking like a regular human' night on tonight!"
Tyra Banks
"I'm gonna eat five small meals tonight. It's the one thing I can still control."
B.J. Novak
"Broken Arrow out on Blu-Ray this Tuesday! Haha, just kidding, just kidding, I'm here because of America. But seriously it's a fun movie."
Christian Slater
"You, um...you always hold your hand that low when you pose for pictures, eh Wolfie?"
Ashton Kutcher (With Demi Moore & Wolf Blitzer)
"Who wants to see my Arthur impression?"
Sting
"What if the Obamas' dog had its own CGI'd pet to play with? Some sort of dragon-cat?"
George Lucas (With Samuel L.)
"Little-known fact: I performed for Bush the last five years too."
Biz Markie
"We're allowed into any event because, well, we're us."
Betsey Johnson may be interested in doing a line for the masses for "QVC, HSN, whatever it’s called." But Rachel Zoe beat her to a deal. The Duchess of Bananas is doing a line of jewelry for QVC, which she'll go on air to shill sometime after the next round of Fashion Weeks. It is not yet known if fruits or theoretically dying will figure prominently into the designs. [Fab Sugar]
Last night marked the finale for this season of The Celebrity Apprentice, a seemingly endless marathon of 2 hour long episodes culminating in the best good vs. evil match-up since John McClane vs. Hans Gruber. On Team Good, we've got Joan Rivers, hilarious legend of the stage and screen who has proven herself to be a worthy competitor even though she clocks in at a youthful 75 years of age. And on Team F*ckface, we've got Annie Duke, the phony, tiny-toothed, shifty-eyed poker player, a gypsy the likes of which Harvey Keitel inMonkey Trouble has never seen.
It seemed like Annie was on the fast track to winning. Considering she deals with money for a living, raising money proved to be nothin' but a thang for her: Couple of calls to some high rollers, and her team would be rolling in douche. Taken together with Brande's rolodex, kept on a local Arby's bathroom wall -- and you can believe Trump's on there -- you had two women who knew how to get money and fast. Joan, on the other hand, may not have been the best fundraiser, but she had something those other two know nothing about: Heart. Soul. Dignity. Classiness. You might remember BWE.tv had the great honor of going to Ms. Rivers' house a few years ago to liveblog the Emmys... no? Well, perhaps this photo of Dan Hopper and J-Rivs will jog your memory:
That evening, Joan could not have been kinder or more generous. Which is why I truly believe that Annie Duke is the anti-Christ.
The show began with some subtlety: Donald Trump, standing in the foyer of the Natural History Museum, introduces Joan Rivers, with a cutaway to a DINAOSAUR SKELETON, followed by a short recap of Annie's personality, in front of some dead shark. It's a Shark vs. A Dinosaur, folks. Hope that boils it down a bit.
Before I get to my feelings on the outcome of last night's finale, here are some thoughts I had while watching the Malcom X-like episode:
Brande is so freshly Botoxed, she actually looks like a glazed Thanksgiving turkey. Obligatory Simpsons reference at 3:09.
Well can you -- Guess who is on Annie's side, helping her get her event together after the party planner quit? MARK BIRNBAUM. Sound familiar?
Actual quote from Annie Duke: "The only thing that I have going for me is I literally, like, know everybody on Earth." She's not kidding:
While Hersel definitely seems like an absolute sweetheart in the body of a sleep bear we want to spoon, we never really heard him bust out any genius ideas through the season... UNTIL the Celebrity Lookalikes suggestion, which was INSPIRED. Although they really should have sprung for this genius:
Re: The Party Planners Quitting: This little plot thickener seemed awfully pre-planned, no? Wait, wait, Trump... staging something for the sake of drama? No way. But be honest: What planner in his right mind would put himself on TV and then quit for no good reason?
We always felt Tom Green was thrown off the show way too quickly. But after watching him stand up for Joan in the van with Annie... well, now we KNOW he was thrown off too quickly. In fact, except for Brande, Annie's entire team was Pro-Joan. Oh, the brilliance.
Joan's phone call to the man whose mother just passed away was funnier than all 3 hours of I Love You, Man. And only a genius gay guy would realize how surreal the situation is. Which is why I love genius gays.
OMG THEY'RE MULTIPLYING: The image of Clint Black in each and every single picture frame should be the preview for The Grudge 3. Something tells me he wears the hat so we can't see just how far his head is up his own ass.
GENIUS QUOTE: "If he went to a bar, he'd pick up himself."
Watching the two parties go on, Joan's was BY FAR the most hilarious, fun party ever thrown on the Apprentice. She's a showstopper -- no poker player could compete. For God's sake, the woman had KATHY GRIFFIN and KYLE MCLAUGHLIN and CONSTANTINE MAROULIS in the SAME ROOM. Annnnnd she was auctioning off something that had to do with David Hasselhoff's headshot (a night on the town, where night = bottle o' burbs and town = living room floor perhaps?)... THIS WOMAN HAS TO WIN.Though, I must say, I have never quite hated something as much as I hated that CIRQUE DE SOLEIL DOG. This was an actual quote recorded by me while watching that person in a dog get-up move around: "sldfjasldfkjsdlfksjdf".
On the other side of the room, Annie was throwing her party, which was about as fun as getting fleas on the Chinatown bus, something that may have possibly happened to me yesterday. (No fleas yet, but the deep vein thrombo is setting in.)
The thing about Joan Rivers is this: She's genuine. When she cried, those were real tears. From the woman who donated 2 checks in memory of two uncles who passed away from AIDS, to her moving video describing her charity God's Love We Deliver, the woman doesn't have a phony bone in her body. Whereas even when Annie was describing her charity, she felt disconnected, and insincere.
But let's fast forward a bit: You know, after Cirque De Soleil and the people dog etc. Some more thoughts:
Donald calling that blond girl "Beautiful Brande": Where in the Aitch-Ee-Ell-Ell is Melania through all of this? Oh, right, she's draining the blood out from her body and replacing it with the blood of Chinese newborns:
THOUGHT: Dennis Rodman is single-handedly keeping Ed Hardy in business.
Actual note written by me while watching: WHY IS THIS FINALE 19 HOURS LONGGGGGGG. Shouldn't we be at this part already?
Dennis Rodman seriously redeemed himself in this finale -- simply by laughing his ass off at everything Joan is saying, and then saying he wants her to win!
And this is really a first: Trump isn't even giving Annie a chance to respond. You know, I gave him a lot of sh*t about many of the firing decisions he's made this season, but now I see it was all for the greater good, all for the major build-up that would go down tonight. I think even T-Boz would agree with me on this one.
NOTABLE QUOTE: Trump to Scott Hamilton: "Who would you do, Scott?" Scott's response?
I was also shocked that Piers Morgan -- an a**hole with charm -- encouraged Trump to hire Joan. I thought for sure he would be on Annie's side.
Now, the big moment. The final boardroom. Joan vs. Annie. Annie... vs. Joan. Let's take a look at some of the arguments:
That last line... savor it, America. Because it's good.
It was here I realized something: Joan was going to win. Despite what I thought would happen -- SHE IS GOING TO F**KING WIN. My reasoning being this: People hate Annie for real... she is not charming, she is not personable, and her only skill is having wealthy friends. Joan, on the other hand, is hilarious, warm, charismatic, honest, and Trump has to realize the winner will be making appearances again next year. On a strict entertainment level, Joan is the clear winner. But still... I wouldn't allow myself to think that Joan would actually win. And then... this happened. Don't be fooled: This is not actually a clip from Zoolander:
Oh Donald, I take everything back. All the hundreds of hours I gave to your show... all of it!... was worth it for her little excited hand clasp at the end when she thought she won. Thank you, good sir. I'm yours forever. Source: Best Week Ever | 11 May 2009 | 8:01 pm
Glamour magazine selected its top 50 most glamorous women of the year for the June issue, based on a panel of judges and online reader polls. Of course, we're barely halfway through the year and a yearlong retrospective seems a bit presumptuous. But it's the winner's circle that leaves us perplexed. Kates flank both ends — Winslet tops the list at No. 1, while supermodel Moss comes in dead last. With Moss's Topshop opening, Met-gala hosting duties, and anticipated forthcoming biography, we're surprised to see her so far down on the list compared to people like Rachel Weisz (No. 44) and Megan Fox (No. 40). But that's not the worst of it.
Sandwiched in the middle is France's First Lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, at No. 34. She barely beat Taylor Swift (No. 35), but Bruni's rotating wardrobe of Chanel and Christian Dior is apparently not glamorous enough to edge out Jennifer Lopez (No. 33). But that's not even the biggest upset. Anne Hathaway beat Michelle Obama. Hathaway, touted on the list because "she bounced back from a breakup by looking fabulous everywhere," came in the No. 2 slot, while Michelle Obama finished in third place. The First Lady of the United States of America, who is reinvigorating fashion during a recession with her sleeveless dresses, blazing guns, Michael Kors dresses, J.Crew cardigans, pointy flats, and that omnipresent Azzedine Alaïa belt, is second to someone who can rebound well. Somehow that just doesn't seem justifiable or glamorous at all.
AP - An investigation by New York City officials into a charge Kiefer Sutherland head-butted a fashion designer at a nightclub will show the star of TV's "24" was not a wrongdoer or instigator, his attorney said Monday. Sutherland was charged Thursday with third-degree assault in the incident a week ago at a nightclub at the trendy Mercer Hotel in the SoHo neighborhood of Manhattan.
It's cruise season! And this Thursday Chanel's 2010 cruise collection show takes place. Last year Karl Lagerfeld made the fashion flock sweat it out in Miami to watch Chanel's 2009 cruise spectacular featuring synchronized swimmers and models teetering around a pool in gun-heeled shoes. For this year's show, he's making Anna Wintour et al. fly to Venice, where they'll have to ride around in boats with the added nuisance of making sure they don't sit in a wet spot and wind up in front of cameras with wet butts. Ever on the cutting edge, Karl and Chanel are blogging and vlogging to hype the show. One post reveals Karl chose Venice for the show because Coco Chanel fell in love with the city when she first visited it in 1919. Lions could be a motif, as they are a symbol of the city. Born on August 19, and therefore a Leo, Coco also loved lions and surrounded herself with all kinds of lion figurines. But the best preview of the collection is a five-minute short called "Fitting Room Follies," in which Lara Stone tries on clothes and canoodles with a male model while Karl — behind the camera — tells her what to do. "And then you turn to me. And laugh... Play with the tie. You even can sit down." The magical black-and-white footage is somber enough for the times, but the collective blog effort is enough to remind us Chanel still has lots of money and will spend it.
In case you missed it last week, a real life Wolverine surfaced on YouTube. As you'll see from this web exclusive clip from Best Week Ever, he is a little less Jackman and a little more jacka-- well... you get it.
As the 2009 Cannes Film Festival draws near, filmmakers who have made the event's short list hope that their films will be blessed with that hard-to-earn Cannes buzz, which could lead to awards and financial success. But the story doesn't always have a Hollywood ending.
I went to see Star Trek last night, fully expecting a dumb, fun, semi-campy action reboot of a legendary franchise, and armed with the film's amazing reviews and a handful of friends already enjoying it, I was dead-set upon unconditionally loving this J.J. Abrams adaptation of source material I already enjoy. Unfortunately, for lack of a description that doesn't sound like it came from a parent who watched ten minutes of something on HBO one random night, it was stupid. Not "fun" stupid, not "self-aware, tongue-in-cheek" stupid, just, stupid stupid.
Iron Man was a fun movie. Sin City was a fun movie. Casino Royale was a fun movie. Star Trek was a film that no one would ever need or want to watch if it wasn't Star Trek. I am more than willing to overlook some dumb parts in a wide-reaching blockbuster action movie as long as it entertains me for two hours, but this movie was just loaded with non-stop inexplicable nonsense, embarrassing character moments, and gaping plot holes (two of which were literal black holes).
Here are my general thoughts on the movie (e.g., a list of stupid parts I couldn't ignore) -- feel free to leave your own in the comments (some spoilers below):
-- In the 23rd century, rebellious kids will be driving around in antique automobiles blasting Beastie Boys songs. Kind of like how angry kids in 2009 ride horses around blasting Bach concertos.
-- In the future, the planet Romulus is destroyed because Spock was LATE delivering a ship full of red matter? Did he oversleep? They honestly couldn't predict that Romulus was going to be destroyed by this particular supernova? Scientists can frickin' calculate stuff like that NOW, let alone centuries in the future when space exploration is commonplace and an entire civilization is at stake. And Spock's solution to the supernova was to personally fly a solo aircraft full of red matter over to Romulus? This is a job for the 150-year-old Federation ambassador? Does Ambassador Spock also do his own filing?
-- Why was Bones just on the Bridge the whole movie? The ship got attacked multiple times and suffered heavy casualties and injuries, and the Chief Medical officer wasn't attending to anyone, he was just chilling with the other officers because he's tight with Kirk and is a character that we know?
-- Chekov is seventeen but allowed to helm the Federation's flagship because he's a super-genius? There isn't another comparable super-genius in the entire Federation who's, I don't know...twenty? "Nope, this kid is even more geniusey than all our other geniuses - get his parents to sign the 'Crucial component of most dangerous job in the galaxy' waiver." Everyone on the bridge by the end of this film was like twenty-three, which just reeked of a conscious, high-level producer boardroom decision to appeal to kids, as well as to set up this franchise for God only knows how many sequels in coming years.
-- In the scene where Kirk, Sulu and Red-Suit McDeaderson parachuted down to the drill, I thought to myself, "wouldn't it be an interesting twist if J.J. Abrams doesn't have the anonymous guy wearing red die, because all the fans are expecting it?" Nope! He not only died, he died more immediately and in a more spastic way than he would have in most Star Trek parodies. Bummer, too, cause then they would have had three guys to the drill's two, and the shoehorned-in swordfight would've been uneven. "You two Romulans sit in the drill with swords in case anyone parachutes down to it -- do not allow them to shoot the middle of the drill with their phasers! Two of you is enough, right? We've been dishing out way too much overtime to drill duty employees this month, and we really need to tighten up, our budget's practically used and it's only Space-October."
-- Was Uhura a hooker? There was NO romantic backstory or reason for her to be aggressively infatuated with Spock, but when his planet is destroyed, she stops him in an elevator and basically begs to give him a beej? "Your mom is totally dead...is there anything I can do for you, big boy? Hotel's $180, spend the night's an extra $50, and trust me...I can suck on those ears all night..."
-- The scene where Kirk runs away from a giant CGI'd snow monster that gets knocked aside by another giant CGI'd snow monster that then resumes chasing him was pulled EXACTLY from the underwater scene in Phantom Menace, and it was stupid then. Why do the monsters immediately want to kill Kirk so much? Are they consciously evil? If they're just hungry monsters, why wouldn't the big monster just eat the smaller one, thus giving it way more food than a tiny human body? Also, Spock has no reservations about dropping a fellow Federation officer onto a frozen planet of ice monsters instead of just keeping him guarded in a room on the Enterprise? No one has a problem with this?
-- "Ahh, Kirk -- I've been waiting for you in this ice cave holding a torch. I'm Future Spock! I assumed you would elude the grasp of those two giant ice monsters (who will pursue you to the death unless they see something that is on fire, then they will turn around and sheepishly walk away) so I could tell you what you have to do: make Present-Day Me mad!"
-- Oh no, Scotty's stuck in the Enterprise water pipes! He's gonna get sucked into the spinny turbine! Quick, Kirk, release the water valve that spills water onto the floor of the ship! This scene was both thrilling and necessary.
-- Scotty beams himself and Kirk aboard the Enterprise in mid-warp without Spock knowing, then is immediately the Chief Engineer of the Enterprise? He has his own desk, he's ordering people around, and everyone's fine with this? Did they just not have an engineer before Scotty beamed himself aboard and they were just like "Wow, not sure how you beamed onto our ship in full-warp, but we could really use a Chief Engineer, this works out great. Come, we'll get you a space desk."
-- What in the name of Jar Jar Binks was that little thing with Scotty? Why did the movie feel the need to include this thing at all, let alone constantly cutting to it as though its mere presence in the frame was a punchline? There wasn't enough comic relief between the Kirk/Spock banter, Kirk's womanizing, the Leonard Nimoy cameo, and Bones' Nicholson impression where the producers really felt the need to throw in a wacky midget Jawa jester? I guarantee there are coloring books in K-Marts as we speak with that thing on the cover, mugging.
-- Why did earth make absolutely no effort to defend itself when Nero's ship approached? Were they just sitting there going "Ahhhh crap, all our other ships are away, they got us. Nice one, future Romulan!" No one on earth thought to shoot the drill with a handheld phaser a few times, which is apparently all it takes to disable the drill? Is earth unable to detect approaching starships and thus didn't know Nero was coming, and none of the other Federation ships warned it, including the Enterprise? And despite not being able to detect approaching ships (maybe the future one was extra undetectable?) earth keeps absolutely no form of defense ready, they just run outside near the Golden Gate Bridge and look up at the sky anxiously?
-- The Enterprise destroys Captain Nero's ship by ramming it with a vessel of red matter, creating a black hole and imploding it on itself. Wouldn't this immediately destroy earth too, and the rest of the solar system? Did the black hole send the ship back through time again? What the hell was going on during any action sequence in this film?
On the plus side, I thought the cast was largely enjoyable, particularly Zachary Quinto, though Karl Urban was basically doing a Mad TVNicholson impression throughout the whole movie (and Chris Pine slipped into one too when his character was drunk, but we've all done that before), and there were enough legitimately interesting dialogue exchanges to make me think that a revamped sequel with the same cast that isn't bogged down by an hour and fifty minutes of backstory and a thousand hasty coincidences that must occur to throw the characters we know into their proper roles might actually be the fun action movie that everyone really wants to believe this Star Trek movie was. I know I did.
Star Trek thoughts, people? Favorite / least favorite parts? Leave 'em in the comments. Source: Best Week Ever | 11 May 2009 | 5:45 pm
Interior of the newly renovated Alice Tully Hall at Lincoln Center in New York in this handout photo in February 2009. New York's famed Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts kicked off 50th anniversary... Source: RSS feed - channel BNImagesEnter | 11 May 2009 | 5:34 pm
Are you still looking for a good book to read on the beach this summer? Well you're in luck. The new show Jersey Shore Unleashed took their cameras and twelve crates of hair gel to the hottest club east of the Garden State Parkway to get a few recommendations from the locals. You better get to the mall and pick up your copy of Charlotte's Web or Green Eggs and Ham before they sell out, because they are about to get a major sales fist bump.
John Legend didn't have to look very far to find his next protégé. After two years of helping him develop as an artist, the R&B singer is gearing up to introduce his younger brother, Vaughn Anthony, as the second signing to his HomeSchool Records imprint.
Cybill Shepherd certainly isn't one to waste words, telling us that Prop 8 passed mainly because of the two religious groups Source: FOXNews.com | 11 May 2009 | 5:03 pm
She was oh-so-wholesome on 'The Partridge Family' but is Shirley Jones, now 75, ready for something a little more risque? Source: FOXNews.com | 11 May 2009 | 4:53 pm
After working on the production for "Hello Brooklyn 2.0" for Jay-Z and "Down" for Chris Brown, producer Drew Money has added another notch to his belt, this time producing "Fix My Hat," the fourth track to leak off Lil Wayne's oft-delayed rock album, "Rebirth."
She's been a comedian, talk-show host and feared red carpet fashion critic. Now you can add winner of "The Celebrity Apprentice" to Joan Rivers' lengthy resume.
At long last the stimulus package America really needs: The eyeball-searing, fantasy-fulfilling, brain-exploding return of the Hot 100! Source: FOXNews.com | 11 May 2009 | 2:45 pm
AP - The Rhine overflowed its banks, Valhalla went up in flames, and the world according to Otto Schenk came crashing down one final time as the Metropolitan Opera retired its venerable production of Wagner's "Ring" cycle.
Stephen Bruton, the Texas-based guitarist and vocalist renowned for his work with Kris Kristofferson, Alejandro Escovedo and many others, died Saturday (May 9) at age 60 due to complications from throat cancer.
Front Page: 'Elliot' wins seven prizes at honors -- “Billy Elliot” pirouetted off with seven legit awards, including new Broadway musical, from the Outer Critics Circle, while “Shrek the Musical” walked away with four.
• Heidi Montag does a fantastic impression of a snake in dire need of Ritalin in her video for "Black Out," you know, the one she made on her "honeymoon" in Mexico....
As was expected from week one, Melissa Rycroft, Shawn Johnson and Gilles Marini are still here, busting their tails to distinguish themselves as the best.
Ty Murray has already...
How do you escape a moving submarine? Apparently Kate got herself captured by the Dharma Initiative so that she could spend the finale in the company of Juliet and Sawyer...who so totally do not...
Less than a week after Michael Jackson was dealt two new lawsuits, a new one is on the way that could put the kibosh his Final Curtain Call.
President and CEO of AllGood...
This should be a no-brainer.
Land of the Lost wasn't exactly great television, but it was unforgettable. The 1970s Sid & Marty Krofft series about a father and...
It's finale time on TV, and that means a veritable bonanza of births, deaths, weddings, love declarations, illicit assignations, consummations, character reveals and devastating...
Mark Landon, the eldest son of legendary actor Michael Landon, has passed away. The actor, 60, was found dead in his West Hollywood home on Monday.
The Los Angeles County...
By now, we're all aware of Megan Fox's thing—she looks all hot (sometimes with her tongue out) and says whatever sexually charged thing pops into her head.
We approve. So...
Would they really dare to kill such a major character like Izzie on Grey's Anatomy?
—Veux, via the Answer B!tch inbox
Oh, yes. Yes, "they" might very well do...
• Nick Cannon zings Eminem, renaming him Slim Lamey, for making Mariah Carey jokes. Mr. Carey blogs, "Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my...
Samuel L Jackson
Ed Westwick
Brian Williams
Gordon Ramsay
Tyra Banks
B.J. Novak
Christian Slater
Ashton Kutcher (With Demi Moore & Wolf Blitzer)
Sting
George Lucas (With Samuel L.)
Biz Markie
Amy Poehler and Will Arnett
Though, I must say, I have never quite hated something as much as I hated that CIRQUE DE SOLEIL DOG. This was an actual quote recorded by me while watching that person in a dog get-up move around: "sldfjasldfkjsdlfksjdf".
On the other side of the room, Annie was throwing her party, which was about as fun as getting fleas on the Chinatown bus, something that may have possibly happened to me yesterday. (No fleas yet, but the deep vein thrombo is setting in.)
The thing about Joan Rivers is this: She's genuine. When she cried, those were real tears. From the woman who donated 2 checks in memory of two uncles who passed away from AIDS, to her moving video describing her charity God's Love We Deliver, the woman doesn't have a phony bone in her body. Whereas even when Annie was describing her charity, she felt disconnected, and insincere.
But let's fast forward a bit: You know, after Cirque De Soleil and the people dog etc. Some more thoughts:
I went to see Star Trek last night, fully expecting a dumb, fun, semi-campy action reboot of a legendary franchise, and armed with the film's 
-- In the 23rd century, rebellious kids will be driving around in antique automobiles blasting Beastie Boys songs. Kind of like how angry kids in 2009 ride horses around blasting Bach concertos.
-- In the future, the planet Romulus is destroyed because Spock was LATE delivering a ship full of red matter? Did he oversleep? They honestly couldn't predict that Romulus was going to be destroyed by this particular supernova? Scientists can frickin' calculate stuff like that NOW, let alone centuries in the future when space exploration is commonplace and an entire civilization is at stake. And Spock's solution to the supernova was to personally fly a solo aircraft full of red matter over to Romulus? This is a job for the 150-year-old Federation ambassador? Does Ambassador Spock also do his own filing?
-- Why was Bones just on the Bridge the whole movie? The ship got attacked multiple times and suffered heavy casualties and injuries, and the Chief Medical officer wasn't attending to anyone, he was just chilling with the other officers because he's tight with Kirk and is a character that we know?
-- Chekov is seventeen but allowed to helm the Federation's flagship because he's a super-genius? There isn't another comparable super-genius in the entire Federation who's, I don't know...twenty? "Nope, this kid is even more geniusey than all our other geniuses - get his parents to sign the 'Crucial component of most dangerous job in the galaxy' waiver." Everyone on the bridge by the end of this film was like twenty-three, which just reeked of a conscious, high-level producer boardroom decision to appeal to kids, as well as to set up this franchise for God only knows how many sequels in coming years.
-- In the scene where Kirk, Sulu and Red-Suit McDeaderson parachuted down to the drill, I thought to myself, "wouldn't it be an interesting twist if J.J. Abrams doesn't have the anonymous guy wearing red die, because all the fans are expecting it?" Nope! He not only died, he died more immediately and in a more spastic way than he would have in most Star Trek parodies. Bummer, too, cause then they would have had three guys to the drill's two, and the shoehorned-in swordfight would've been uneven. "You two Romulans sit in the drill with swords in case anyone parachutes down to it -- do not allow them to shoot the middle of the drill with their phasers! Two of you is enough, right? We've been dishing out way too much overtime to drill duty employees this month, and we really need to tighten up, our budget's practically used and it's only Space-October."
-- Was Uhura a hooker? There was NO romantic backstory or reason for her to be aggressively infatuated with Spock, but when his planet is destroyed, she stops him in an elevator and basically begs to give him a beej? "Your mom is totally dead...is there anything I can do for you, big boy? Hotel's $180, spend the night's an extra $50, and trust me...I can suck on those ears all night..."
-- The scene where Kirk runs away from a giant CGI'd snow monster that gets knocked aside by another giant CGI'd snow monster that then resumes chasing him was pulled EXACTLY from the underwater scene in Phantom Menace, and it was stupid then. Why do the monsters immediately want to kill Kirk so much? Are they consciously evil? If they're just hungry monsters, why wouldn't the big monster just eat the smaller one, thus giving it way more food than a tiny human body? Also, Spock has no reservations about dropping a fellow Federation officer onto a frozen planet of ice monsters instead of just keeping him guarded in a room on the Enterprise? No one has a problem with this?
-- "Ahh, Kirk -- I've been waiting for you in this ice cave holding a torch. I'm Future Spock! I assumed you would elude the grasp of those two giant ice monsters (who will pursue you to the death unless they see something that is on fire, then they will turn around and sheepishly walk away) so I could tell you what you have to do: make Present-Day Me mad!"
-- Oh no, Scotty's stuck in the Enterprise water pipes! He's gonna get sucked into the spinny turbine! Quick, Kirk, release the water valve that spills water onto the floor of the ship! This scene was both thrilling and necessary.
-- Scotty beams himself and Kirk aboard the Enterprise in mid-warp without Spock knowing, then is immediately the Chief Engineer of the Enterprise? He has his own desk, he's ordering people around, and everyone's fine with this? Did they just not have an engineer before Scotty beamed himself aboard and they were just like "Wow, not sure how you beamed onto our ship in full-warp, but we could really use a Chief Engineer, this works out great. Come, we'll get you a space desk."
-- What in the name of Jar Jar Binks was that little thing with Scotty? Why did the movie feel the need to include this thing at all, let alone constantly cutting to it as though its mere presence in the frame was a punchline? There wasn't enough comic relief between the Kirk/Spock banter, Kirk's womanizing, the Leonard Nimoy cameo, and Bones' Nicholson impression where the producers really felt the need to throw in a wacky midget Jawa jester? I guarantee there are coloring books in K-Marts as we speak with that thing on the cover, mugging.
-- Why did earth make absolutely no effort to defend itself when Nero's ship approached? Were they just sitting there going "Ahhhh crap, all our other ships are away, they got us. Nice one, future Romulan!" No one on earth thought to shoot the drill with a handheld phaser a few times, which is apparently all it takes to disable the drill? Is earth unable to detect approaching starships and thus didn't know Nero was coming, and none of the other Federation ships warned it, including the Enterprise? And despite not being able to detect approaching ships (maybe the future one was extra undetectable?) earth keeps absolutely no form of defense ready, they just run outside near the Golden Gate Bridge and look up at the sky anxiously?
-- The Enterprise destroys Captain Nero's ship by ramming it with a vessel of red matter, creating a black hole and imploding it on itself. Wouldn't this immediately destroy earth too, and the rest of the solar system? Did the black hole send the ship back through time again? What the hell was going on during any action sequence in this film?
On the plus side, I thought the cast was largely enjoyable, particularly Zachary Quinto, though Karl Urban was basically doing a Mad TV Nicholson impression throughout the whole movie (and Chris Pine slipped into one too when his character was drunk, but we've all done that before), and there were enough legitimately interesting dialogue exchanges to make me think that a revamped sequel with the same cast that isn't bogged down by an hour and fifty minutes of backstory and a thousand hasty coincidences that must occur to throw the characters we know into their proper roles might actually be the fun action movie that everyone really wants to believe this Star Trek movie was. I know I did.
Star Trek thoughts, people? Favorite / least favorite parts? Leave 'em in the comments.
