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The Life Hammer: Stuff Their Stockings With Terror! When you think of the goodies that might await you inside your stocking on Christmas morning, you imagine any number of things: candy, lottery tickets, Santa pencils, chapstick, or whatever other knick knacks your mom found lying around at 3 a.m. on Christmas Eve. You don't imagine morbid survival tools. Well, that's exactly what my sister's friend got in her stocking this year: The Life Hammer, otherwise known as the only thing that will save you from a horrifying death should you ever happen to drive your car off a bridge into a body of water. (Apparently, somebody really got into Michelle's list of retardedly genius gift ideas, which included this uplifting, inspirational item!)
From Michelle's description, I knew this tool was special, but now that I know someone who actually received it, I have had the great pleasure of reading the detailed instructional sheet that comes with it. And I can attest that The Life Hammer is AMAZING. I have transcribed the exact wording for you (and I even found a commercial for this thing), but first, let me set the scene. You've just accidentally driven off the side of the road into a lake. As the car is sinking, you remember that you have The Life Hammer, which you shoved into your glove compartment after leaving your mom's house on Christmas. Once you get it out, you realize that this thing is by NO means self-explanatory, and is harder to open than a rusty swiss army knife. So you get the Life Hammer manual out, and start to read frantically:
HOW TO ESCAPE:
1. Stay calm, don't panic!
2. POP your seatbelt button to release it. If it's jammed, cut it diagonally from the top to bottom with the help of the Life Hammer's blade.
3. OPEN. If your door won't open, lower the window quickly. If it's stuck, grab your Life Hammer.
4. Place one hand protectively in front of your eyes, and swing Life Hammer hard against the bottom corner of the window. It will shatter after one or two blows.
5. GO with precaution, get out fast!
Okay okay okay okay. First things first: basically, these instructions tell me that I, in fact, probably won't even NEED the Life Hammer - because I should theoretically be able to unbuckle myself and roll down the window before I drown. I love how the instructions basically slow you the f*ck down by having you try a million OTHER things before resorting to actually using the item that is in your hand. I mean, shouldn't you kind of be panicking and allowing the adrenaline that is pumping through your veins to do its damn job (to allow you to act without thinking too hard about it)? Oh, and be careful: the Life Hammer will very likely send hundreds of tiny shards of glass directly into your eyes!
Also in the manual: "Never put Life Hammer in the trunk or glove compartment." Oops, that's what everybody did!
As promised, here is the commercial, which is one step away from that SNL life insurance commercial for old people (the one where they convinced the old people that robots will kill them?):
Source: Best Week Ever | 29 Dec 2008 | 3:00 pm NexCen Sells Bill Blass for $10 Million Som's old ready-to-wear line. See it and weep, friends. NexCen wanted to unload Bill Blass from its books months ago but only just now made the sale. And like every pair of Manolos in this town, they had to mark it waaaaay down to get it out the door. Though NexCen sought $25 million for the designer business in September, they sold it for a mere $10 million. The lucky buyer is Peacock International Holdings LLC, a men's dress shirt and neckwear company. We know — random. NexCen shut down the Bill Blass ready-to-wear line on December 19, laying off 60 employees with no severance. So now that the label's in Peacock's nest, can the line spread its wings and soar once more? Eh, don't get your hopes up. At least, not anytime soon. Since Peter Som left as head designer of the Bill Blass line two months ago, reportedly over frustrations that NexCen didn't know how to run a designer brand, and NexCen couldn't financially support a spring 2009 runway show, it's going to be hard to revive the brand to its former ready-to-wear glory. No head womenswear designer (it should be noted Michael Bastian remains creative designer for menswear) and no runway presence do not a booming label make, and few expect it to become so. Meanwhile, NexCen plans to use the cash to pay off some of its debts, like that incurred by the Blass brand and, perhaps, its purchase of the Great American Cookie company. Yeah, the company that wants to focus on selling cookies and growing ice-cream franchises was evidently not the best choice to run a designer fashion label. Stereotypes don't exist for nothing. UPDATE 1-NexCen sells Bill Blass apparel brand for $10 mln [Reuters] Read more posts by Amy Odell Filed Under: bill blass, blass watch, michael bastian, nexcen, peter som Source: The Cut | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:59 pm Finally, That’s Over: The Jets Fire Mangini The advantage of being a Jets fans has often been hopelessness; no matter what happens, you assume the worst. This year, though, with Brett Favre, other new players, and a big win over New England, most Jets watchers were more optimistic than ever. They shouldn’t have been. The final confirmation: At 10 a.m., the team will fire coach Eric Mangini. That the Jets’ loss to the Dolphins yesterday was ultimately irrelevant — they would have missed the playoffs even had they won — didn’t make it any more tolerable. Favre had a few bright moments but was mostly awful, giving up three interceptions while Chad Pennington (amazingly, now the One Who Got Away) threw two touchdowns and led a stunning Dolphins team to the AFC East championship. Last week, the Jets seemed to subconsciously plan for this loss. Owner Woody Johnson refused to give Mangini the notorious “vote of confidence,” and Favre, aware of his failings for perhaps the first time, began complaining of phantom pain in his shoulder that might force him to retire. Maybe he was trying to start another guessing game that would last all off-season: Will he, or won’t he? One suspects that this time no one will bother to ask. The only good news? The Jets’ loss pushed the 11-5 Patriots out of the playoffs. But that’s a small comfort. Mangini gets the ax today, and you can expect Brett Favre to retire within the month. The Jets will officially have start from scratch. Again. The end of this season, though, comes as a relief. Read more posts by Will Leitch Filed Under: brett favre, chad pennington, eric mangini, football, jets, sports, the sports section Money and Me: Benefiting from the biggest wave of Jennifer Aniston interest since her famed Rolling Stone cover, Fox's Marley and Me won the holiday weekend's box-office crown by grossing an estimated $51.8 million in the Thursday-to-Sunday window. Her ex-husband didn't do so shabby, either, as Brad Pitt fans drove The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to an incredibly strong $39 million haul over the four-day weekend. Adam Sandler's Bedtime Stories came in a disappointing third, while eye-patch fetishists propelled Valkyrie to a fourth-place finish and a surprising $30 million take. [Variety] If You Lead, I Will Sue You: Still reeling from their loss to Fox in the Watchmen case, the Warner Bros. television unit is now being sued by former Gilmore Girls producer Gavin Pollone for breach of contract. Pollone alleges that the studio owes his production company tens of millions of dollars because they underreported the show's "modified adjusted gross." If he wins, that money will likely be spent on coffee and quirky sweaters. [HR] Balthazar Getty-ing Lost: And in news that comes straight from the rumor mill, respected Left Coast gossip blog Crazy Days and Nights is reporting that Balthazar Getty has been fired from the increasingly soapy ABC show Brothers and Sisters. As you'll recall, CDaN was the first site to report that T.R. Knight would be exiting Grey's Anatomy, so expect a statement from ABC and Getty to hit sometime after the New Year. [Crazy Days and Nights] Read more posts by Mark Graham Filed Under: Brad Pitt, Fox, Jennifer Aniston, Marley and Me, The Industry, Tom Cruise, Valkyrie, Warner Bros. Source: CNN.com - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:36 pm Joyeux Noels! Corina Noel Piedrahita — the eldest of the Sisters Noel, whose lives were perfect until their father gambled away $7 billion with Bernie Madoff — her husband, Andres Piedrahita, and their four children went to Kenya this year, as evidenced by their Christmas card. Also evidenced: They do not appear to sweat. Only glisten. We're thinking they maybe drink liquid gold for breakfast? [Semana via DealBreaker] Read more posts by Jessica Pressler Filed Under: andres piedrahita, Ballsy Crime, bernie madoff, corina noel, Made-Off Source: Daily Intel | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:30 pm Rise 'n' Shine: Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony Won't Be Valentines - E! Online
Source: Google News - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:30 pm Too Faced Cosmetics Announces the Launch of The Smurfette(TM) Collection an Exciting Collaboration Between Two of Pop Culture's Most Iconic BrandsIRVINE, Calif., Dec. 29 /PRNewswire/ -- Blue is the new black this season as in-the-know trendsetters flock to get their hands on the hottest, limited-edition cosmetic collection toSource: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:30 pm 'Dancing' Grind Injures Groin - Extra TV
Source: Google News - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:27 pm Disney opts out of 3rd 'Narnia' film - Bizjournals.com
Source: Google News - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:23 pm Global Real Estate News Center - Real Estate Channel
Source: Google News - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:18 pm Sales: 60 Percent Off Ann Demeulemeester Menswear; 70 Percent Off at Aloha RagSTARTING TODAY • Sweet kids' clothes from Petit Bateau, Lili Gaufrette, and Splendid are marked down by 50 percent at Small Change. 1196 Lexington Ave., nr. 81st St. (212-772-6455); Mon.–Fri. (10–6), Sat. (10–5), Sun. (noon–5). • Agent Provocateur’s racy underthings are half off; the Bridgette bra is $65. 133 Mercer St., nr. Prince St. (212-965-0229); Mon.–Sat. (11–7), Sun. (noon–6). • The year-end sale at Aloha Rag features 70 percent off their stock of fall/winter 2008 merchandise from 3.1 phillip lim, Alexander Wang, Giuseppe Zanotti, Ksubi, Rogan, YMC, and more. 505 Greenwich St., nr. Spring St. (212-925-0882); Mon.–Sat. (11–7), Sun. (noon–6). • For the month of December, Rebecca & Drew is marking down shirts $110 to $135 (originally $195 to $225), skirts and pants $170 to $255 (originally $265 to $390), and shirt dresses starting at $175 (originally $250 to $265). 344 W. 13th St., nr. Hudson St. (212-647-8901); Mon.–Wed. (11–7), Thurs.–Fri. (11–8), Sat. (11–7), Sun. (noon–6). • Links of London jewelry, small leather goods, and accessories are up to 50 percent off. 535 Madison Ave., nr. 54th St. (212-588-1177); Mon.–Sat. (9:30–7:30), Sun. (11.:30–6). 402 W. Broadway, nr. Spring St. (212-343-8024); Mon.–Sat. (11–8), Sun. (noon–7). MetLife Building, 200 Park Ave., nr. 44th St. (212-867-0258); Mon.–Tues. and Thurs. (8–8), Wed. and Fri. (8–7), Sat. (10–6), Sun. (closed). ENDING TOMORROW Read more posts by Amy Odell Filed Under: fashion calendar, sales, shopping Source: The Cut | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:16 pm Not-So-Sweet Caroline Caroline Kennedy's adoption of the Sarah Palin handbook continues apace. This weekend the would-be senator gave interviews to NY1 and the Times, in which she refused to answer questions with any degree of detail and, in the latter, made clear her disdain for the "media elite," specifically the reporters Nicholas Confessore and David Halbfinger: “Have you guys ever thought about writing for, like, a woman’s magazine or something?” she asked the reporters. “I thought you were the crack political team.
As a Candidate, Kennedy Is Forceful but Elusive [NYT] Earlier: Read more posts by Jessica Pressler Filed Under: caroline kennedy, early and awesome, politics Source: Daily Intel | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:00 pm Rap: If It’s Not Scottish, It’s CrapAn American professor is claiming that rap — or more specifically, rap battles — has its roots in the medieval Scotland: "The Scots have a lengthy tradition of flyting — intense verbal jousting, often laced with vulgarity, that is similar to the dozens that one finds among contemporary inner-city African-American youth." The theory posits that "Scottish slave owners took the tradition with them to the United States, where it was adopted and developed by slaves, emerging many years later as rap." The Bronx was unavailable for comment. [Telegraph] Read more posts by Jessica Coen Filed Under: hip-hop, history lessons, music, rap, scots Source: Vulture | 29 Dec 2008 | 2:00 pm BET, TV One plan extensive coverage of Barack Obama's inaugurationprimarily at a black audience, haven't paid much attention to presidential inaugurations before. This time will be different. Both are planning extensive coverage for Jan. 20, when...Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:51 pm Taylor Swift Reveals Her Celebrity Crush - FOXNews
Source: Google News - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:39 pm Rise 'n' Shine: Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony Won't Be Valentines • While some people call Valentine's Day "Singles Awareness Day," Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony reportedly are planning to make us aware of their singleness on that...Source: E! Online - Top Stories | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:32 pm Fancast to Exclusively Premiere the Season Debut of the ABC Family Hit Series 'Kyle XY' Prior to Show's Linear Television TelecastFancast Provides Fans with a First Look at Season 3 Premiere of the Hit Original Series Starting Wednesday, January 7 Site to Hold Exclusive Online Chat with...Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:30 pm MORNING UPDATE -- Snow expected tonight - Glens Falls Post-Star
Source: Google News - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:21 pm Eastwood still proudly 'politically incorrect'Clint Eastwood doesn't know if he's a legend. But the record says otherwise -- Oscars for best director and best picture -- and so does his choice of projects, which includes his latest, "Gran Torino," in which his character is less than cuddly.Source: CNN.com - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:16 pm Bayer Advanced(TM) Garden of Oz Rose Parade(R) Float Celebrates Entertainment on the 70th Anniversary of The Wizard of Oz(TM) MovieFloat to be featured in the 120th Rose Parade on January 1, 2009 Best viewing: 9:34 a.m. PT (12:34 p.m. ET) 79th Entry in the Parade. (Media Note:...Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:00 pm My Chemical Romance Get To Work On Non-Concept Album, Sort Of'We've made concepts for three albums now, so I think this one ... I want to go into it not thinking about a definite story,' frontman Gerard Way says.By James Montgomery, with reporting by Brian Jacks...Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:00 pm New Year's Nation Announces Opening Performance by DJ GIRL 6 at 2009 Los Angeles New Year's Eve Celebration at The WilternLOS ANGELES, Dec. 29 /PRNewswire/ -- On December 31st, 2008, GIRL 6 will open for Travis Barker and DJ AM, known as TRVSDJAM, in their first show together since September at New...Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:00 pm President Elect Barack Obama's Campaign Surrogates and Endorsers Honor our Troops and War Veterans at 'The Most Spectacular and Elite Inauguration Celebration' The Inaugural Purple Ball'In honor of bipartisanship and diversity' With a one night EXCLUSIVE performance By IL DIVO The original and most popular operatic quartet and PETER CINCOTTI THE HOST COMMITTEE INSource: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:00 pm Ashlee Simpson, Pete Wentz, Clay Aiken, Jamie Lynn Spears And Other Surprising New Parents of 2008Hollywood baby booms are nothing new, but we didn't expect some of these celebs to become moms and dads.By Jocelyn Vena Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Photo: Frank Micelotta/ Getty Images Celebrities...Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:00 pm Paramore's Hayley Williams On Next LP: 'I've Got A Lot That I Want To Get Out''We're trying to figure out how far we can go with it but still keep it Paramore,' bassist Jeremy Davis says.By James Montgomery Paramore backstage at KROQ's Almost Acoustic Christmas in Los Angeles...Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 1:00 pm Liverpool's Gerrard arrested after bar fight (AFP)
Source: Yahoo! News: Entertainment News | 29 Dec 2008 | 12:44 pm BET, TV One plan extensive inauguration coverage (AP)AP - BET and TV One, the television networks aimed primarily at a black audience, haven't paid much attention to presidential inaugurations before. This time will be different.Source: Yahoo! News: Entertainment News | 29 Dec 2008 | 12:31 pm Barenboim: Violence won't resolve Mideast conflict (AP)AP - The Israeli-Palestinian conflict cannot be resolved militarily, conductor Daniel Barenboim said Monday.Source: Yahoo! News: Entertainment News | 29 Dec 2008 | 12:30 pm Hoffman, Hopper among Critics' Choice presenters (AP)AP - Dustin Hoffman, Dennis Hopper, Dakota Fanning and Sarah Silverman are set to join the star-studded list of presenters at the Critics' Choice Awards.Source: Yahoo! News: Entertainment News | 29 Dec 2008 | 12:20 pm Hoffman, Hopper among Critics' Choice presentersDustin Hoffman, Dennis Hopper, Dakota Fanning and Sarah Silverman are set to join the star-studded list of presenters at the Critics' Choice Awards. Organizers said Monday that Amy...Source: RSS feed - channel BNewsEnter | 29 Dec 2008 | 12:20 pm Judge’s ruling leaves “Watchmen” release date in jeopardy - Monsters and Critics.com
Source: Google News - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 12:18 pm Whitney Port talks 'The City,' and drops a major 'Hills' scoop! - Entertainment Weekly
Source: Google News - Entertainment | 29 Dec 2008 | 12:01 pm "Marley & Me" top dog at busy Christmas box office
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