Photo-illustration: Everett Bogue;
Photos: istockphoto, Courtesy of Warner Bros.

But before we get too ahead of ourselves, let's check in with Lauren to see how she feels about it. You know, assuming she has feelings:

"Every season, I think it's the last," she says. "Right now, I think this is the last season.

"I go through phases when I’ve been filming where I wake up in the middle of the night and I think I’m being filmed," she says. "That’s when I have to take a vacation."

She also says her dad wants to come up with a "five-year-plan," whatever that means. Lauren tells Us, ''I go, 'Let's talk about my five-day plan. I don't even know that.'" Since we know your life is overflowing with difficult decisions, Lauren, we'd like to offer you our life-planning services free of charge. So we've outlined a life plan for you for the next five days and the next five years. What can we say? We're feeling generous.

The Five-Day Plan
Day 1: Come to our office and say hi. If you're feeling bold, feel free to open up about all those feelings you've been suppressing your entire life. Our unwritten motto is "Bloggers you can trust," after all.

Day 2: Go to a trendy restaurant in New York for lunch and get photographed eating something fattening. Hearing about how thin you look in person is getting old.

Day 3: Don't do anything today. Stay inside, shut your curtains, and don't get your picture taken. Contrary to what you may believe, a day without Lauren Conrad is not like a day without sunshine.

Day 4: Practice smiling. But you know, not in a fake way. Go shopping with someone you like who's not reality-TV famous and genuinely likes you for you and vice versa. That usually works for us.

Day 5: Go to an island where there are no cameras so you can focus on the five-year plan without being distracted by thoughts of how to get yourself more famous.

The Five-Year Plan
Year 1: Stop pretending you're designing your clothing line. Give credit to the girl who actually designs it and collect a little cash and face exposure by signing on to star in the campaign.

Year 2: Get off the Hills and find a boy who's not an awful hot-tempered idiot to date long-term. Someone famous, random and unexpected would be really good for your image, like Seth Rogen.

Year 3: Now that your nice boyfriend has helped you become a bajillion times more likable, you can focus on other business ventures. Why not open a Lauren Conrad Hills theme park somewhere in California? With rides like, the Speidi Coaster of Unholy Matrimony and Lauren's Tea Party. You know everyone in the whole world would pay $47.50 to get in.

Year 4: Get pregnant. Everyone loves a baby bump!

Year 5: Get married (marriage before pregnancy is so passé). Use it to jump-start a new reality show about your married life, your kids, and your new business. Yes, go back to television! Just make sure it's not on Oxygen, Lifetime, or TLC.

Hills Creator: I'd Love to Film Until Lauren Conrad Gets Married! [Us Weekly]
Related: Forecasting ‘The Hills’: A Whole Season in a Single Trailer

Feeling No Pain at the "Pineapple Express" Premiere

Syncopations: Beats, New Yorkers, and Writers in the Dark

James Campbell
U.C. Press
$21.95

Buy

Source: Vulture -- Entertainment, Music, Culture, Theater, Movies, Art -- New York Magazine Blog | 1 Aug 2008 | 8:15 pm

A Portrait of the Monster As a Young Man

Painting Courtesy Jacque Fabrizi

Eh, nah. That kind of monster would have clearly washed up on Fire Island.

*You didn't see the picture of his balls? The Monster of Montauk, just like Princess Chunk, is all man, man.

Related: Investigating the Montauk Monster[NYM]
East Hampton Bureaucrats Deny Montauk Monster Is Beast From Hell [NYM]
Montauk Monster Mania! [NYM]
What Today's Monster News Tells Us About New Yorkers [NYM]

cavalli to dress coke bottles

Italian Diet Coke is getting all gussied up for Milan fashion week. Roberto Cavalli has sexified the customarily clear glass containers with his signature animal prints. He said that creating looks for the bottle's curvy silhouette was a lot like making dresses for his voluptuous clientele. Of course, a Diet Coke will never ask "Do I look fat in this?"

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have reportedly sold the first pictures of their new twins for a cool $15 million to Hello magazine. Let's do the math, shall we? The typical American earns roughly $25,000 a year. That means the Brangelina tots made the equivalent of 60 people's annual income simply by being born. At least the college fund's all settled, then.

Artist Hannah Micley Hits the Snooze Button

Hannah Micley’s Savannah, Georgia (2008).Courtesy of Sasha Wolf Gallery

PLAYBILL.COM'S THEATRE WEEK IN REVIEW: From 'Boys' to 'Guys' (Playbill)

Hollywood pushes higher grade of film, TV stoners (Reuters)

Reuters - Marijuana is not just for dopes anymore, at least not in Hollywood.

‘Project Runway’ Coda: Emily’s Line Is No Better Than Her Ruffle Dress

Emily Brandle, left, and her losing design.Photo: Courtesy of Bravo

I was shocked that I got kicked off! What were they thinking? … You know, fashion is subjective. For whatever reason, the judges and/or producers thought it was my time to go. I wouldn't change my dress. You know, I stand by it.

She explains she had originally intended for the dress to be entirely covered in ruffles but nixed that idea. Even after Tim Gunn politely expressed that he thought her dress looked kind of crappy, but more ruffles might, well, make it work:

[W]hat they don't show is that it's a 20- or 30-minute conversation that you have with Tim … So yes, I did change course after we talked, and I ended up kind of coming back to something that was simpler. I was adding more ruffles, and it just wasn't going where I wanted it to go. It wasn't jelling.

She says her Smoke & Mirrors collection, which she's been making with her business partner for a year and a half, is a testament to her talent. Let's take a look at her collection to decide if it really is, hm?

Photo: Courtesy of Smoke & Mirrors

Photo: Courtesy of Smoke & Mirrors

Photo: Courtesy of Smoke & Mirrors

We're quite surprised these pieces earned her a spot on the show. They look like something a Jenny Humphrey would cobble together, but instead of ripping off Henri Bendel, she's going for Joyce Leslie with a dash of Frederick's of Hollywood.

'Project Runway' Exit Q&A: Emily Brandle [EW]
Smoke & Mirrors Clothing

Related: ‘Runway’ Recap: Tim Gunn, Why Won’t You Take the Designers Clubbing?

betsey cartwheels into 30 years

glam slam

Those in search of a gift idea for friends celebrating a birthday this month may want to keep an eye out for "Glamour of the Gods (Steidl), which spotlights Hollywood portraiture during the industry's golden age (perfectly suited to any Leo, right?). Cherry-picked from the archive of the John Kobal Foundation in London (one of the world's top resources for Hollywood portraiture) these dramatically styled black-and-white images taken between 1920 and 1960 perfectly exemplify why Kobal was the twentieth century's preeminent authority on Hollywood photography. Among the stars included in the book are Jean Harlow, Greta Garbo, Marlon Brando, Marlene Dietrich, Humphrey Bogart, Rock Hudson, Grace Kelly, and Rita Hayworth. How times have changed.

Why Ever Would Jared Kushner Buy the Newark ‘Star-Ledger’?

Photo: Getty Images

But that's not really fair: A lot of papers covered the trials and tribulations of Charles Kushner. Also, Jared tried to buy Newsday recently, so maybe he's just one of the rare people these days who thinks a newspaper is a good investment. That's what the folks at the Star-Ledger, who at this point are more worried about their livelihoods than their reporting freedom being curtailed, hope. "We're going through the various emotions of processing the information," Josh Margolin, a political reporter who has covered the Kushners and won a Pulitzer for his reporting on New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey's resignation, told Daily Intel today. "In the last 26 hours, we learned that the paper could be sold, that 200 people may have to leave. The world as we know it could end two months from now." Regarding the Kushners, he said, "It's a very odd place to be. You think about the Dolans buying Newsday and the difficulties they may have covering Cablevision. But then, it's good that a family bought Newsday." Basically, he concluded, these are the concessions that newspapers, if they want to continue to survive, will have to make. "It would be terrible for the planet if another newspaper ceased to exist. If the Kushner family are the people who want to keep a newspaper alive, if they really want to make a go of it, I don't see how that could be a bad thing."

David Archuleta’s First Single Premieres! Is David Cook’s Album in Trouble?

And while a runner-up's album beating the victor's to stores isn't unheard of, it usually only seems to happen when producers are trying to sweep an Idol winner under a rug (sorry, Cook, no pun intended) — Clay Aiken's record came out before Ruben Studdard's, and Chris Daughtry's was released before Taylor Hicks's. Cook is reportedly hard at work on music with songwriters from Collective Soul and Our Lady Peace (so you know it'll be good), but does this latest development mean someone behind the scenes secretly doubts its commercial viability? We're pretty sure we're not going to buy it!

Kids CD Evokes ‘Soul Train,’ and With Good Reason

There aren’t enough R&B, gospel, funk, or hip-hop albums for kids, so it’s a boon that Disney interstitial star Genevieve Goings’s laid-back, groove-heavy release includes all of the above. The alphabet song goes soul on “A.B.C. Gospel,” while numbers are taught to herky-jerky hip-hop on “One-Two One-Two-Three.” Goings's sultry voice is grown-up enough for parents, but the second disc of music videos aboard an animated soul train is fun stuff perfect for the little ones.

winehouse preens and waxes

When Amy Winehouse got the waxworks treatment at Madame Tussauds earlier this week, Preen designers Justin Thornton and Thea Bregazzi found themselves tasting a little immortality, too. The wax Winehouse displayed for posterity in London is wearing their citrus-colored "Power" dress that the un-wax Winehouse wore to the Brit Awards last year, and if looks especially familiar, that's because a black version of the same dress is the one Gwyneth Paltrow is sporting in those innumerably reproduced photos from the "Iron Man" photo call in Rome this summer. Clearly, the dress was built to last. Preen fans on the lookout for the next classic frock from the brand can catch the Spring 2009 Preen show in New York this September; Bregazzi, however, won't be making the trip across the pond from London. Right around runway time, she's due to deliver a very different kind of masterpiece: She and Thornton are having a baby. More power to 'em.

Halston to Show at MoMA During Fashion Week

A look from Halston's fall '08 collection.Photo: Getty Images

Still Showing… [Fashion Week Daily]
Related: Halston Lets Its Head Designer Go
Rachel Zoe Might Be Finished at Halston, Too

Being black in Hollywood still exception

Don’t You Dare Drink Starbucks in the Lobby of 15 Central Park West

Photo: nymag.com

The other day, someone walked into the lobby carrying a paper coffee cup from Starbucks, and the staff gave her disapproving looks, as if the building’s high tone were so fragile that a paper coffee cup could shatter it. Many tenants are still decorating, and some of them, unwilling to take Stern’s standard kitchens and bathrooms, have gutted their brand-new apartments and are reconstructing them to their own specifications.

One owner I spoke with was less than thrilled when she discovered that the walls are made of plasterboard, which was most definitely not the way the walls were made at 740 Park Avenue, and that some of the light switches and electrical plates didn’t line up as they should. There are limits, it appears, to how completely you can fake a 1920s building in the 21st century, and behind all that limestone, this is very much a new building. She will take a year to rebuild her apartment, and then she and her husband will move in.

Ugh. You know what's the worst part about having to wait a year to move into 15 Central Park? Having to wait for the elevators with tourists to get to your residential suite in the Waldorf-Astoria.

The King of Central Park West [VF]
Earlier: Video: A Look Inside 15 Central Park West

Your Guide to Kenny Chesney’s Carbon Footprint

Photo-illustration: Everett Bogue; Photos: Getty Images

The list starts out simply enough with "260 tons of steel," which, since there's no further elaboration, presumably refers to Chesney himself. What follows looks like it's going to be a fairly dry accounting of the technical specs of the show — the stage is this big, the video screens are that big, there are so many miles of cable, etc. — until, suddenly, it gets good. For your perusal, Kenny Chesney Fun Facts numbers 9, 13 and 14, quoted verbatim:

"We use 5000 amps of 3 phase power to run the show. (The average home has a 200 amp main breaker. That's enough power to run a neighborhood of 25 homes with everything on all at the same time.)"

"We have 2,500,000,000 (2,500 kW or 2.5 megawatts) of generation power. This is 41,600 average household light bulbs or 150 average homes in America."

"We will consume approximately 28,000 gallons of diesel fuel over the course of the summer. This is enough to power a [sic] 18 MPG diesel car 504,000 miles — a little over a trip back and forth to the moon, or 20 time [sic] around the globe."

The intent, probably, was for reviewers to get all wow-gosh-and-golly about the massive amount of energy that goes into the show. But doesn't it come off a bit … tin-eared, perhaps? Like maybe somebody picked the exact wrong time to crow about this sort of thing? The country is in the midst of an energy crisis, gas tops four dollars a gallon, and the term "carbon footprint" is common parlance, and here we have Chesney doing something that looks an awful lot like bragging about how much energy he can expend just so you can get drunk and sing "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" in a supportive environment. —Marc Hirsh

Duo's reply to 'You sound so much better live'

andre on michelle

When Michelle Obama worked the Manhattan social circuit in June, notably being the guest of an honor at a fundraiser at Calvin Klein's West Village pad, more than one rumor made the rounds about her sartorial relationship with Vogue editor at large André Leon Talley. Was he the unofficial adviser on her campaign look? Would he take her under the wings of his giant Chanel cape as he has other high profile African-American women, like Jennifer Hudson and the Williams sisters? We caught up with Talley at Michael's —his local haunt—and got the real story. "That was the first time I connected with Michelle Obama, and let me go on record saying that I have never, ever given her any advice on what to wear," he proclaimed about the event he hosted with Anna Wintour and Shelby Bryan at Klein's, which raised $1million for the Obama for America organization. "To put the record straight, I think that Michelle Obama does not need advice." He revealed that he had no involvement in choosing the Isabel Toledo gown she wore to Klein's dinner, nor did he find the $148 Donna Ricco dress, bought at her local White House/Black Market shop, which she wore to co-host "The View," but he was in full support of both choices. Elaborating on the topic, which Talley is prone to do, he added that he's most impressed with the Chicago resident's chic sophistication, à la Jackie O. "But it's not about Jackie Kennedy being a woman of privilege. She has, in many ways, taken some of Jackie's elements of simplicity, elegant restraint, three strands of bubble-gum pearls, the flip of hair, solid colors, simple lines, and clothes—and it's working for her. I think she's incredible."

Photographers photograph the arriving guests at the Bayreuth Festival.

In Media, Even Death Cannot Stop Nepotism

Photo: WireImage

FINANCE
• Lehman Brothers might be taking a page out of Merrill Lynch's playbook: The firm is trying to unload $30 billion worth of mortgage securities. [NYP]
• Get ready for a showdown. Yahoo chief Jerry Yang is stepping into the ring with his investors today at the company's annual meeting today. [DealBook/NYT]
• Banks borrowed a record amount of money from the Federal Reserve in the latest week, borrowing an average $17.45 billion per day. "It shows there's a shortage of liquidity in the system," one economist says. [DealBook/NYT]

REAL ESTATE
• The story of 15 Central Park West, the highest-priced new apartment building in the history of New York. [VF]
• A year and a half ago, the city proposed closing the Moore Street Retail Market in Williamsburg in order to make way for rental housing. Now the vendors are on the verge of signing a five-year lease. [NYT]
• A Greenwich Village construction worker fell six stories to his death. [NYP]

LAW
• The New York office of Dorsey & Whitney will not have a formal summer-associate program in 2009. [Above the Law]
• Who is "Executive A" in the attorney general Andrew Cuomo's case against UBS? That would be David Aufhauser, the former general counsel to the Treasury Department and the current general counsel for UBS. [Law Blog/WSJ]
• Is it okay for lawyers to have tattoos? [iReport]

A woman of substance: Actress Connie Nielsen

Meet the New Girl: Martha Streck

Would you like some eyes with that smoke?Photo: imaxtree

Model Profile: Martha Streck

Learn more about your favorite new and veteran models in our Model Manual.

Judge Won't Nix Suit Against Nancy Grace in Mom's Suicide

Nielsen's inspired by the city of her dreams

Sony to Pay Louis Vuitton for Past Britney, Da Brat Videos

The offending dashboard from the "Do Somethin'" video and offending artist Britney Spears.Photo: Getty Images

What makes the LVMH legal team seem even more spectacular is they've already won $240,000 in the Spears and Da Brat cases over the last five years. In fact, according to our calculations, with the total winnings minus the Studdard bonus, the company can buy itself, why, 130 airport rolling bags!

*God, don't you miss her?

LVMH, Sony Reach IP Settlement [WWD]
Sony settles luit with Louis Vuitton over promos for Britney Spears, Da Brat [NYDN]
Related: Breaking:LVMH Wins Landmark Lawsuit Against eBay
French Judge: eBay Responsible for Counterfeit Sales of Hermès

grand illusions at spencer brownstone

Magritte's famous surrealist painting showing a picture of a pipe with the caption "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" was not only not a pipe, it was also not just a painting. It was also a joke to make viewers aware of their willingness to suspend disbelief when looking at art. In "This Is Not a Drawing" at New York's Spencer Brownstone Gallery, three artists present works on paper that also play with our expectations about the medium. One jester is Jeff Gabel, whose graphite and colored pencil illustrations of his blog turn the generic Web template into something truly personal. As the title states,"Ceci n'est pas un dessin." That's right—instead, it's an interesting and rewarding summer show.

Report: Lance Split With Kate Because She Was 'Too Needy'

Lawyer: Bus Carrying Snoop Dogg Didn't Have Expired Tags

Jon Voight: Angie 'Wasn't the Kind That Played With Dolls'

Selena Gomez: Not Dating Nick Jonas, No Beef With Miley

Man cleared of TV star's slaying

Review: 'Swing Vote' is a losing ticket

Are Erin Wasson’s Jewelry Designs Actually Her Own?

A Bliss Lau design (left) and Erin Wasson's Low Luv collection in Nylon.Photo: BlissLau.com, Nylon

But the alleged awfulness gets worse: Lau claims that Wasson actually wore an original Bliss piece in the Nylon magazine article about her Low Luv line. And — if Lau's allegations are true — is that the body chains weren't just some of Wang's best accessories, but some of his best inspiration for his fall collection. He says in a Nylon video shot just before February Fashion Week, "A lot of this collection was inspired by holes and chains, mainly because I'm working with Erin, who's designing her own jewelry line starting with this season, and it's going to be introduced in the show. And kind of the idea of it was a lot of body chains and things that wrapped around the body." In other words, the exact concept of Lau's jewelry collection.

We've contacted Wasson's reps and are awaiting comment; in the meantime we'll be cringing.

Did Erin Bliss Out? [Fashionista]
Alex + Erin Wasson + clothes = perfect! [Nylon]

rihanna is disturbed, but her lipstick looks fabulous

After making its exclusive, by-purchase-only debut on iTunes last week, the video for Rihanna's latest infectious single, "Disturbia," is now available for your (free) viewing pleasure on YouTube. Sexy and dance-worthy, as most offerings from Rih-Rih typically are, this video stands out in director Anthony Mandler's body of work with the pop star for its, well, disturbing tenor. "She wanted to do something really dark," makeup artist Mylah Morales reports, which apparently lent itself to an almost carnal ferocity (animal-head masks and an assortment of feathers and tusks abound, as does a set of black metallic talons, which, according to Morales, are Rihanna's own nails and fingertips, airbrushed black). The hair and makeup looks vary throughout the four-minute video, but the overwhelming image is a superimposed close-up of the CoverGirl spokeswoman's lips in a highly pigmented shade of red, rivaling something out of a Robert Palmer video. "We used MAC's Ruby Rue lipstick," Morales reveals, a small tip from the Barbados beauty's makeup bag to you.

Man Convicted in Gucci Stock-Fraud Scandal; Sean Avery Dates a Cougar

Ashton smolders for Pepe jeans.Photo: Courtesy of Pepe Jeans London

• Sean Avery is dating Calvin Klein's ex-wife, Kelly Klein. He's 28, she's 51. [NYP]

• Jacob the Jeweler is suing Wyclef Jean, who supposedly owes $319,680 for items purchased between 2002 and 2006. [NYP]

• Ashton Kutcher landed a second season starring in the Pepe jeans campaign alongside Isabeli Fontana. [British Vogue]

• Behati Prinsloo stars in the Virgins' new music video for "Rich Girl," shot at Lit in the East Village. [Fashionologie]

• Hadley Freeman on Kate Moss: "Every wrong trend from pirate boots to pixie haircuts has emanated from this young lady, and she continues to prove she is worth more than the millions she gets paid in her ability to convince the British public to wear the daftest things." [Guardian]

• Heidi Klum will shoot a guest spot for this season of Sesame Street. [Mirror]

• Here's a video of a mom and daughter stealing a Marc Jacobs handbag from a Louisiana boutique. Why is this on YouTube? [Sassybella]

Rob Lowe, Ex-Nanny Both Declare Victory After Claims Tossed

Reality Check: 'So You Think You Can Dance' Picks Final Four

Pop Tarts: Are Adrian and Shia Fighting Over Woman?

Mayer, Milo Urge Police to Curb Paparazzi

California Spider Named for Stephen Colbert

Spears' Dad to Stay in Charge Through '08

Snoop Dogg's Crew Put in Pound for Pot

Charles Durning next to James Cagney

alice + olivia, downsized

Alice + Olivia designer Stacey Bendet's reason for tackling the children's market is personal. "I'm having a girl in November!" she exclaims. "I thought a lot of dresses and sweaters would be adorable in miniature, and there has been such a baby boom I felt it was a good time to expand into that market." After a soft launch for spring, the 16-piece Fall collection (available at Neiman Marcus, Scoop, and Alice + Olivia boutiques) is more well-rounded, featuring itty-bitty biker bomber jackets, sweater cardigans, and tunic dresses in the designer's signature silhouettes. Beside her women's collection, she looks at tabloid tots for more inspiration. "Suri Cruise always looks fabulous," Bendet says, "and I like an edgy look on kids. Gwen Stefani's son, Kingston, is like a rock star in training." For more information, see www.aliceandolivia.com.