You never thought of Sarko this way, did you?Photo-illustration: Getty Images, iStockphoto

When we were kids, our family's van was stolen from the library parking lot. Upsetting to our mom, but earth-shattering to us — because our favorite Care Bears Hugs and Tugs were in the back, patiently awaiting an overnight trip to the grandparents'. Now it seems we're about to lose our beloved bears all over again — this time to a makeover. According to the Times, American Greetings will soon introduce new and improved Care Bears with "less belly fat, longer eyelashes." But that's not all! This change comes as part of a larger movement to update the animated friends of our youth. "If the classic characters look less stodgy, the companies hope, they will appeal not only to parents who remember them fondly, but also to children who might automatically be suspicious of toys their parents played with," the Times tells us. "Stodgy"?" How could a lovable, cuddly, squishable — albeit mascara-less — companion be stodgy?

Other "improvements" you can look forward to (or not): The company's new Strawberry Shortcake is way skinnier (thanks to a more "fruit-forward" diet), and she has replaced her calico cat with a cell phone. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will make a comeback with "more muscles and less attitude." And over at Disney, even Mickey Mouse will be subjected to a series of tweaks to be named later, not to mention the possible urban renewal on his home, Toontown. "One plan features an old-fashioned trolley," reports the Times, but Disney "is not sure that is a smart idea. Will modern children know what an old-fashioned trolley is?" (Parents, whatever you do, do not take your kids to San Francisco!) Oh, and it gets worse: Warner Bros. will let kids style their Looney Tunes themselves. “You want a dark, Goth version of Tweety Bird? Have at it,” says Warner VP Lisa Gregorian. For God's sake, who wants a Goth Tweety? Would he hang out with the Tasmanian Angel?

Let us be clear: We are not old fogeys, but all of this makes us unbelievably depressed. Sure, we feel nostalgia for these characters and would love our (hypothetical) kids to embrace them like we did, but how will we explain the Care Bear Stare while holding an emaciated, not-so-stuffed animal? Okay, we can't think about this anymore. If you need us, we'll be playing Granola Land with our no-frizz Troll dolls. —Lori Fradkin

Beloved Characters as Reimagined for the 21st Century [NYT]

Obama’s Veep Vetter Jim Johnson Steps Down After Controversy

Consternation we can believe in.Photo: Getty Images

"Jim did not want to distract in any way from the very important task of gathering information about my vice presidential nominee, so he has made a decision to step aside that I accept," Sen. Obama said Wednesday. "We have a very good selection process under way, and I am confident that it will produce a number of highly qualified candidates for me to choose from in the weeks ahead. I remain grateful to Jim for his service and his efforts in this process."

But McCain's team isn't letting him off so easy.

McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds told the National Review:

"Jim Johnson's resignation raises serious questions about Barack Obama's judgment. Selecting the vice presidential nominee is the most important decision a presidential candidate can make and one even Barack Obama has said will 'signal how I want to operate my presidency.' By entrusting this process to a man who has now been forced to step down because of questionable loans, the American people have reason to question the judgment of a candidate who has shown he will only make the right call when under pressure from the news media. America can't afford a president who flip-flops on key questions in the course of 24 hours. That's not change we can believe in."

Well, Tuck, you had us right until that last sentence there. But every time we hear the phrase "that's not change we can believe in," all we can think about is McCain's speech from last week. Right down to the smarmy intonation. It may be time for a new kicker.

Johnson Resigns From Team Vetting Obama V.P. Candidates [WSJ]
McCain Response: Jim Johnson Resigns From Obama Camp [NRO]
Related: Barack Obama Didn't Vet the Vetter, But He Probably Should Have

Whole Foods May Have Shady Cosmetics-Labeling Practices

Michelle TrachtenbergPhoto: Getty Images

• Michelle Trachtenberg said La Mer lip balm and the Shu Uemera eyelash curler are two makeup items she can’t live without. We dare someone to say something remotely not good about that curler. [Stylehive]

• The M.A.C Mineralize SPF 15 foundation has a screw-in sponge applicator, not a brush or pad. Oh, variation! People also like it because it’s an easy purse throw-in. [E-Beauty Daily]

FRAGRANCE
• Anne Hathaway kicked off her campaign for Lancôme's Magnifique fragrance in Paris last night. Lancôme says she embodies "modern femininity." But after Get Smart, will women everywhere want to smell like her? [Fashion Week Daily]

• Lanvin will launch a new fragrance this fall, named in honor of its founder, Jeanne Lanvin. Alber Elbaz helped create the fruity essence with top notes of blackberry, pear, and citron and a heart of raspberry, white freesia, and peony (fragrance lingo — don't look at us). [Cosmetics News]

• Banana Republic held a fancy luncheon on the top floor of the New Museum yesterday to promote the relaunch of its Classic scent. They claim they're so over cargo pants. [Moment/NYT]

SKIN
• L’Occitane’s Crushed Grape Polish scrub is supposed to exfoliate skin with tiny bits of crushed grape nuts and walnut shells. But one tester says it only contains barely-there scrubbies that don't really work. Ouch. [Beauty Addict]

NAILS
• Borghese's summer collection of nail lacquers called Portofino Del Sole includes six variations of gold shades inspired by Portofino, Italy. Shimmery. [BellaSugar]

Lee McQueen, a 30-year-old recruitment sales manager, was declared the winner of "The Apprentice"

Pilot Preview: CBS’ ‘Worst Week’ Makes Us Cover Our Eyes

Courtesy of CBS

This week, Vulture's taking a look at the best and worst of the fall season's picked-up TV shows. Which are good? Can anything replace Cavemen? And, most important, what's worth a DVR season pass?

Title: Worst Week

Stars: Kyle Bornheimer (Jericho), Erinn Hayes (Kitchen Confidential), Kurtwood Smith (That '70s Show), Nancy Lenehan (My Name I Earl)

Network: CBS, Mondays at 9:30 p.m.

The pitch: Meet the Parents, only more so.

Pilot report: Sam (Bornheimer) and his girlfriend, Melanie (Hayes), are engaged and pregnant — but how can they tell Melanie's parents when Sam turns into a ham-fisted buffoon from nervousness whenever he's around them? The last time he came over, he almost burned down their house, and this time events are conspiring against him even worse. Between the vomiting co-worker, the urinated-upon turkey, the mysterious phone call from the undertaker, the car accident, and the dog, Sam can't make any headway with his future in-laws, sweet-natured Angela (Lenehan) and stern Judge Dick (Smith).

Representative dialogue:

Angela [unveiling enormous oil painting of Dick]: It's his birthday present. Do you love it? It's painted by the same man who does all the portraits of the presidents. He's been working on it for over a year. He said it's his masterpiece.
Us: T-minus ten minutes until Sam accidentally sets that portrait on fire!

Breakout star: Bornheimer is actually totally appealing in the role of a schlub whose best-laid plans constantly go awry, which just makes the show more wince-worthy when horrible things happen to him.

Worth a season pass? Depends. When you watched The Wonder Years, and one of those moments arrived in which some truly mortifying thing happened to Kevin in front of Winnie, or his parents, did you cover your eyes and yell "La la la la la"? Or did you watch and laugh? Imagine an entire expertly made, well-acted sitcom made up entirely of moments like that, and you'll know instantly whether Worst Week is for you. We would do almost anything never to watch it again, but that doesn't mean it isn't good.

‘Evil Urges’ Finds My Morning Jacket in a Very Odd Place

My Morning Jacket skittered away from their signature sound — epic, noodly jams, loads of reverb, easy-morning rebel ‘tude — on their last studio disc, Z, but Evil Urges is even more mind-bending, with Cookie Monster backup vocals, sixties girl-group vibes, and Jim James channeling Prince’s falsetto. The twists are awesome, but we still cuddle up to the James we once knew on slow-burner tracks like “Sec Walkin’”: “left leg, right leg / one leg at at a taaaaahme I keep on walkin’.”

Bagley Mischka's Riviera Revery (Fashion Wire Daily)

Fashion Wire Daily - Sometimes Cruise, or Resort, collections have little to do with warm weather vacations in exotic locals during the cold winter months following the purchase of one's fall wardrobe – it's simply a retail signifier that new merchandise will be hitting the floor pre-spring.

Our Heat-Wave Moment With Anna Wintour

Photo: Patrick McMullan

Hi! We're from New York Magazine —
You people are everywhere this week. Just don't ask about Sean Avery — that's what you asked me yesterday.

Okay, how are you beating the heat?
I like the heat.

When it's this hot?
I like it.

What about it do you like?
I just enjoy it. I don't like to be cold.

Have you seen Stylista on YouTube?
No.

Is there any chance of a Vogue reality series?
[Purses lips] Mmmm… [Makes a sound that sounds like a mixture of "over my dead body" and "I hate that you're asking me this question"]

And … scene.
—Alisa Gould-Simon

Related: Party Lines: MoMA's 40th Annual Garden Party

Boy George Answers Prayers of NYC’s Sanitation Workers

Photo: Getty Images

"New York's Strongest are delighted that Boy George will join us at our Family Day outing in August and perform some of his fabulous hits for our hard-working men and women and their families. Keeping New York City safe and clean is a daunting challenge — as Boy George well knows — and we welcome his generous offer to entertain those who have made our City the cleanest it has been in more than 30 years."

Update: Terrible news! In response to our query about where we might purchase tickets, Boy George's publicist says, "It's only for the Sanitation Department workers unfortunately."

The Golden Rule, Graffiti-Style

Chelsea: Wow, a new blog all about the block at 14th Street and Eighth Avenue! (We call it "the Chellage." Okay, the Villsea?) With a reminiscence of a long-gone Twin Doughnut–Asian massage parlor, plus a photo of a poster that warns, "No scatting," they're starting strong. [14thand8th]
Dumbo: An amazing and artful new graffiti mural on Water Street was just defaced. And with what? The Golden Rule: "Treat others how you want to be treated." Now, that is just perverse. [DumboNYC]
East Harlem: Greenberg Farrow is the name of the firm behind many of the big-box retail projects in the borough, including the five-floor mall along FDR Drive expected to open here in fall 2009...wrapped in a huge steel-mesh American flag! [NYT]

East Village: Cooper Union's funky new Thom Mayne–designed, $150 million "green" building on Third Avenue has been "topped out" (what does that mean, exactly?) at nine stories. We love this weird exchange between Curbed commenters: "It isn't very tall." "But it izzzz! But it izzz tooo tawwllll! It's like doo-buy!!!! It's infringing on my hyoooman rights!!! waaaaaaa!" [Green Buildings NYC via Curbed]
Gramercy: Plans suggest that a massive new condo tower coming to 22nd and Third will engulf two tiny little tenements. Quite a strange sight. Check it out. [Vanishing NY]
Greenpoint: In this endlessly, endearingly weird neighborhood, there is now a place to buy that $400 stuffed muskrat you've always wanted but didn't know where to find. [Newyorkshitty]
Rockaways: In this in-depth story, learn how the beachside area that was supposed to become the new Hamptons became full of new housing, some of it shoddy, for government-subsidized residents. [City Limits]

Pilot Preview: CBS Making ‘The Ex List,’ But Don’t Check It Twice

Courtesy of CBS

Title: The Ex List

Stars: Elizabeth Reaser (Grey's Anatomy), Alexandra Breckenridge (Dirt), Adam Rothenberg (Mad Money)

Network: CBS, Fridays at 9 p.m.

The pitch: On a visit to a psychic, florist Bella Bloom learns that she has already dated — and discarded — her future husband. But if she doesn't find him again within a year, she'll be alone forever!

Pilot report: In what looks like a pattern for every single episode of this show, Bella meets up with an old flame, in this case a rocker. She had blown him off years before but now wants him back. He plays hard to get, then comes on too strong. She tries to ditch him, but then realizes she loves him! Then she and all her friends go see his band and he humiliates her with a bad song called "Revenge." She's sort of upset, but when she calls someone about a lost cat, the owner turns out to be a guy she went to high school with. "Shut! Up!" Bella says to her old high-school boyfriend. We agree!

Representative dialogue:

Bella: I think he's changed!

Auggie: Yeah, he's changed into someone who doesn't like you anymore.

Breakout star: The psychic, Anne Nahabedian. She's the most reasonable character on the show.

Worth a season pass? No. Bella's one-liner-spouting friends are pretty clever, but the whole show feels like a sitcom forced to be a grown-up, hour-long dramedy. Maybe that's because My Name Is Earl and How I Met Your Mother — shows that involve lists and a series of failed relationships, respectively — are already on television. Unless you too will be alone for the rest of your life, you won't be home to watch Ex List in its Friday-night time slot anyway.
—Aileen Gallagher

Bonnaroo brings festivals back from the dead

Madonna's Bro to Tell All About Material Girl

Breeders Sisters Go Doublemint at Birthday Show

Kim & Kelley.Photo: Amy Squires

A Match Made in Heaven: Chanel and Dsquared2

Review: `Hulk' smashes a lot, but lacks heart (AP)

AP - The fanboys will probably be happy with the latest incarnation of "The Incredible Hulk." At least we can say that much for it — and that's something we most assuredly could not say about Ang Lee and James Schamus' somber, introspective and largely derided take in 2003 on the beloved Marvel Comics hero.

Josh Schwartz, Killer of Dreams

Josh Schwartz, looking into your dreams and
pooping on them.Photo: Getty Images

Exclusive! 'Gossip Girl' Boss Says Spinoff Rumors Are Not True [E! Online]
Related: Jenny Humphrey Might Get Shipped to Boarding School!

Search for Fossett resumes with thaw

Friends scatter YSL ashes in his Marrakech garden (AFP)

AFP - Close friends of the iconic French fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent, who died 10 days ago, on Wednesday scattered his ashes in the garden of his Marrakech villa, his partner Pierre Berge said.

Artist Darina Karpov’s Purple Hills

Darina Karpov’s Murmur (2008).Courtesy of Pierogi Brooklyn

Liz Tuccillo's first novel is a dating travelogue (AP)

'Get Smart': Movie's Spy Gadgets Do Exist

Denis Johnson Finally Gives Us a Reason to Buy ‘Playboy’

Photo: Cindy Johnson/Courtesy of FSG

But this time we really will be reading it for the articles!

Channeling Noir, Dickens-Style [NYT]

Truncated: London Fashion Week

Photo-illustration: Getty Images, iStockphoto

The Dating Debate [British Vogue]

Love Letters From Great Men

"Dear Scarlett, I listened to your album, and it's wonderful. You are completely correct that people who don't like it are 'haters' who are 'jealous.' I myself often have to deal with haters and…"Photo Illustration: Getty Images/ Jed Egan

He has followed her career as well, telling her that his favorite performance was her turn in “Lost in Translation.” He’s a “huge movie lover” and “knows who every actor is,” she said.

Johansson is flattered and surprised that Obama spends so much time answering her e-mails. “You’d imagine that someone like the senator, who is constantly traveling and constantly 'on' — how can he return these personal e-mails?” she asks. “But he does.” Well, duh. You're Scarlett Johansson! Your quirky-classic features and creamy bosoms are the fantasy of every red-blooded blue-state male in America! Does she think this is happening to girls all over America? Wait a second: Is it? We're going to have to hire a private eye to suss this out.

Actress Has a Crush on Obama [Politico]

Pilot Preview: CBS’ ‘Harper’s Island’ Might Be Killer

Cassidy in Harper's IslandScreencap courtesy of CBS

Stars: Elaine Cassidy (The Ghost Squad), Bill Pullman (come on, you know who Bill Pullman is)

Network: CBS, mid-season replacement

The pitch: A serial-murder mystery, in which a mysterious killer picks off the inhabitants of an island one by one.

Pilot report: Abby Mills (Cassidy) returns to her childhood home of Harper's Island for the wedding of her best friend. She hasn't been back since her mother was one of the victims of a string of vicious murders. All seems to be going well onboard the ferry taking the wedding party to the island, until we witness the particularly gruesome killing of one of the guests, who is strapped to the propeller of the boat and quickly chopped to pieces. This fifteen-minute presentation — the show's opening teaser, plus a handful of other scenes — was the way Harper's Island's producers sold the show to CBS, which means everything here will likely be re-shot, perhaps with different actors. What we do see, though, promises a lot of suspense and gore.

Representative dialogue:

Murky taxi driver with an eye patch: You look familiar.
Abby: Yeah, I grew up on the island.
Murky taxi driver with an eye patch: Right, you're Sheriff Mills's kid. What a shame. All those people? Terrible. I never would have believed something so terrible could happen on the island.

Breakout star: One of the only stars guaranteed to make it from the pilot to actual broadcast is narrator and protagonist Elaine Cassidy. She's essentially playing the Neve Campbell role from the Scream movies, but it looks like she'll be able to pull it off without all of the pouting.

Worth a season pass? Yes. The location, an island in Puget Sound, is an appropriately spooky setting for this series — and the cast is young and sexy enough (and multitudinous enough) to keep us watching as they get picked off. And if the literal back-stabbing isn't enough, there's also a fair amount of figurative backstabbing — and cheating, and sleeping around — as well.
—Chris Rovzar

Paparazzi, watch your step

Tricia Walsh-Smith Will Force You to Pawn Your Cat If You Cross Her

But for a real innovative spin on the action, see the video after the jump. In it, Willie from West Virginia does his best Tricia impression. It's really the ad-libbing about the dead father that makes it.

Sir Philip Green Scouts More Manhattan Topshop Locations

Godspeed, Sir Philip Green.Photo: Getty Images

Green also spilled a few more details on the imminent Soho Topshop, which will be just like its London counterparts. The Soho store will employ stylists like high-end retailers Saks or Bergdorf Goodman do. Also, the London stores, bear in mind, roll out new styles every day. Before you faint from overload, know that Green, whose estimated net worth is more than $6 billion, doesn't believe in "price promotions." "Everybody is fighting on price. That's not our business," he said. We suppose such a bummer was necessary. After all, we don't want to fall down from excitement every time Moss gazes upon us in Soho.

Heading Over the Pond: U.K.'s Topshop Revs Up For Launch in New York [WWD]
Related: Soho Topshop to Sell Candy, New Unique Line, and More Kate Moss
Real, Live British Folk Will Work at the New York Topshop

Farrah Fawcett Cashing in on Cancer Battle?

Fifty Cent’s Baby Mama Will Get Rich or Die Tryin’

LAW
• The battle between 50 Cent and his baby mama, Shaniqua Tompkins, rages on: Tompkins was ordered by State Supreme Court yesterday to pay the rapper $4,500 in back rent on his Dix Hills Mansion, which she was living in until a couple of weeks ago, when it burned down under mysterious circumstances. [Law.com]
• Since the new iPhone is compatible with Microsoft Exchange servers, maybe Skadden will no longer frown upon lawyers spending their technology allowances on the device? [Above the Law]
• California attorneys are heading to Manhattan. People here like to sue each other a lot more, is why. [Law.com]

MEDIA
• Brian Williams is in Afghanistan all of a sudden. [DailyNightly]
• New York's John Heilemann and Time's Mark Halperin will collaborate on a book about the current presidential campaign pitting John McCain against Barack Obama. Snaps for Heilemann! [NYP]

REAL ESTATE
• “No way Columbia is going to steal this property right out from underneath me,” Anne Whitman said back in 2006 when the university tried to buy her storage company on Broadway between 129th and 130th Streets. “Remember that man who stood in front of the tank at Tiananmen Square? That’s me.” Yeah, she folded. [NYT]
• Colonnade Row, on Lafayette Street, was the 1830s version of 15 Central Park West. [Ephemeral New York]
• The percentage of mortgage delinquencies in New York City almost doubled in the first quarter of 2008. [Crain's NY]

FINANCE
• Can Lehman Brothers, Wall Street's smallest investment bank, stay independent? [Business Week]
• Investors withdrew nearly $6 billion from hedge funds in April, which was the first time in more than two years that outflows outpaced inflows. [DealBook/NYT]
• Merrill Lynch chief John Thain thinks broker-dealer access to the Federal Reserve discount window is a good long-term plan. "I think it should stay available to the banks and investment banks — the primary dealers. It's important that it does stay available," he said. [DealBook/NYT]

CFDA Panel on Skinny Models: Coco Rocha Admits to Using Diuretics

From left, Coco Rocha, Michael Kors, Anna Wintour, and Diane Von Furstenberg Photo: Patrick McMullan

We were a little skeptical that the talk was more than just show, something to counteract model Ali Michael's recent publicity for being dumped from shows when she gained a few pounds. But the reaction post-panel was, we'll say it, surprising. Could change be afoot in fashion? Phillip Lim is planning to have more food for the girls at castings and shows. “We used to just have water. And lots of fruit at shows. I’ve also sent Ali Michael flowers with a note saying, ‘You’re perfect as you are. See you next season.’ Love that girl, so proud of her for standing up.” Doo-Ri chimed in too: “From a designer’s perspective, too skinny is scary. My clothes are made to be filled out — it’s tough enough with jersey!” As we left in the elevator with Kors, he mused, “The next one we need to do is about skinny people who work in fashion: editors, buyers, stylists. That’s called ‘Why Does This Sample Fit Me?” —Kendall Herbst

Related: Model Ali Michael on ‘Today:’ ‘I Hadn't Had My Period in Over a Year’

Shia LaBeouf 'Embarrassed' by Videotaped Anti-Gay Slur

Civil Servants, They’re Just Like Us!

WeinerHumPhoto: Getty Images

Weiner on Hot Date at Tow Pound [NYDN]

Simon Doonan Feels Bad About the André Leon Talley Turban Joke

No, he does not look amused.Photo: Getty Images

In the face of deafening silence, Doonan tried a different topic: André Leon Talley's turban. Talley wore the Yigal Azrouël headpiece that evening clasped with a diamond-encrusted Fred Leighton pin. Doonan suggested Talley "hock 'the fabulous diamond pin on that turban which you rented to come here tonight' and use the resulting moolah to fund my Antwerp Housewives show." Crickets chirped. Doonan writes in the New York Observer:

My intention in singling out this remarkable accessory was to express solidarity with the wearer, the majestically life-enhancing Mr. Talley.

It didn’t work.

André was not amused. The phrase “visibly affronted” would best describe his reaction. Ditto his date, Naomi Campbell … Of all the people in that room, André, the Ab-fabulous, the brilliant, was the last person on earth I wished to offend. My goal — please believe me, André dahling! — was the complete opposite. I failed.

The next morning Doonan sent Talley an effusive apology note with a side of orchids. If it's any consolation, Simon dear, the rest of the world finds your speech hilarious.

Tempest in a Turban: How Tiny Moi Vexed André the Great [NYO]

Yves Saint Laurent's ashes scattered in Marrakesh (Reuters)

Reuters - Friends of Yves Saint Laurent scattered his ashes on Wednesday in the botanical garden in Marrakesh where the reclusive fashion designer found inspiration and refuge from fame.

Are Brad & Angie Fleeing Paps for France?

Youngest Reality TV 'Stars' in Danger?

Music Review: The Infamous Stringdusters (AP)

AP - The Infamous Stringdusters, "The Infamous Stringdusters" (Sugar Hill)

'Idol' Runner-Up Scores Record Deal

Boy George to Hold Free Concert for NYC Sanitation Workers

Rodney King to Appear on VH1's 'Celebrity Rehab'