From left: Paltrow at the Iron Man premiere in New York; Paltrow at the Iron Man premiere in London; Paltrow at the Iron Man premiere in Berlin; Paltrow outside the MTV studios, in New York.Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

A glimpse of Very Elle. From left: Amber Valletta, Chloë Sevigny, and Charlotte Gainsbourg.Photo: theFashionSpot.com

Then they discussed which countries to appeal to. Lévy decided to stick to the U.S. and France. "Why not include South Korea and some Latin American countries?" asked Farrow. "Let's address our own governments. If we begin to address everyone, the press will not take it." (Lévy often is the press.) "I know that you do not have a reputation of being favorable to Bush, just like I do not have a reputation of being favorable to Sarkozy, but if we do a condensed, minimalist statement, that is difficult to refuse. The message will be relayed by the press."

Farrow began dictating a statement. Lévy, who prefers to compose in his native tongue, began dictating a statement in French to his agent. Voilà. It will be read tonight during their PEN World Voices Panel at the Alliance Français.

Lévy rushed off for a radio interview, and Farrow departed for the rest of what she jokingly called Levy Day — a dentist appointment with a Dr. Levy in midtown, and then off to meet Lévy again, for a pre-speech rendezvous. —Arianne Cohen

Crisis Darfur: A Conversation With Mia Farrow and Bernard-Henri Lévy [PEN American Center]

Salman Rushdie, Aspiring Actor

Rushdie at last night's gala.Photo:

Hear more literary gossip from Gay Talese, Calvin Trillin, and Tina Brown at our complete coverage of last night's PEN gala.

Earlier: How Helen Hunt Got Salman Rushdie to Give Her a Sonogram
Scarlett Johansson's Music Video Confirms: Her Album Is Good

The Four-Day Lash Stain and Great Matte Shadows

From top left: Tarte 4-Day Lash Stain, Plantidote Lotion,
Laura Geller Matte Eye Shadow.Photo: Courtesy of Tarte Cosmetics, Nordsrom.com, Laura
Geller Cosmetics

• Britain’s Office of Fair Trading is accusing Unilever, Procter & Gamble, and Reckitt Benckiser of allegedly “price-fixing” between suppliers there and retailers in America. Way to kick us when our economy's down. [WWD]

• Matte shadows may not be as bright and bold as shimmer shadows, but just because they don’t sparkle, doesn’t mean you shouldn't wear them. The Biscotti-Toast combo from the Laura Geller Baked Collection for darker skin tones gives a look that’s polished and professional. [Hooked on Beauty]

SKIN
• The Dr. Weil’s for Origins line features a Plantidote Mega-Mushroom Treatment Lotion. Testers say it works as a light day lotion, so it’s ideal for steamy summers. [All About The Pretty]

• Mastihashop opened on Orchard Street in the Lower East Side, carrying only products that contain Mastiha, a natural anti-oxidant, anti-inflammatory resin found in sap. They've got toothpaste, hair products, and nail strengtheners. Intriguing. [Cool Hunting]

Britney Spears

Al Sharpton and 1199 Plan Joint Sean Bell Demonstration

Nicole Paultre Bell (Sean Bell's fiancée at the time of his death) with her mother, Laura Paultre (left), and Al Sharpton after the verdict was read in Friday's trial.Photo: Getty Images

Sharpton and 1199 Organize Sean Bell Responses [Politicker/NYO]
Earlier: The City and Al Sharpton Gear Up for Verdict in Bell Trial
Officers in Sean Bell Trial Acquitted of All Charges
Related: A Bad Night at Club Kalua [NYM]

Alleged Jimi Hendrix sex tape to be released

Grand Theft Auto vs. ‘Iron Man’: Which Will Make More Money This Week?

Courtesy of Rockstar and Paramount

Since the war for actual currency seems lost, Iron Man’s best chance of saving face in this week’s pop-culture blockbuster showdown with GTA is in the realm of critical currency. On that note, good news! The movie’s Rotten Tomatoes score has shot upward like a jet-packing Robert Downey Jr., skyrocketing from yesterday’s lackluster 82 percent (The Talented Mr. Ripley) all the way up to the rarefied air of 86 percent (The Matrix). Unfortunately, experts calculate that in order to build anticipation to GTA-like levels, Iron Man will have to achieve an RT score of 1,000,000 percent, which will require not only more rave reviews but also major alterations to the universe’s fundamental mathematical principles. To see how they do with that, continue checking in with us throughout the week! —Ben Mathis-Lilley

Iron Man stars Robert Downey Jr., Liv Tyler, and Terrence Howard speak up for the film at our complete coverage of last night's Cinema Society screening with Michael Kors.

Attorney: Sleuth to stars was 'well-paid thug'

Alexander Wang and Diane Von Furstenberg Are Into Superheroes

Alexander Wang and Diane Von FurstenbergPhoto: left, Getty Images; right, Patrick McMullan

We asked Furstenberg if she thought dressing according to the theme at this party was important. "No, no, but I mean, since it is superheroes, then why not?" she said. She added she'd dress all the ladies at her table in outfits inspired by Wonder Woman. We can't wait. — Randi Eichenbaum

Related: Previewing the Costume Institute's Superheroes Exhibit

Neil Diamond May Destroy ‘American Idol’ Tonight

Photo: Getty Images

How will the Idol hopefuls cope with yet another old-timey theme night? The easiest prediction is that David Cook will sing "Red Red Wine." Maybe you forgot, or never knew, that "Red Red Wine" is a Neil Diamond tune, and you only know the UB40 cover. Many Idol fans won't know either, so when everybody else is singing "I Am … I Said" and other iconic seventies corn, a "Red Red Wine" opportunist can seem to be singing iconic eighties corn. That's an entire decade of advantage! Cook might go with "Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon," too, but he generally prefers to turn songs creepy rather than starting with creepy material.

Some opportunities are probably off the table: "Sweet Caroline," with its hypnotic "BAH-BAH-BAAAAAH!" chorus, has been murdered by stadium sing-alongs, "Rock and Roll (Part Two)" style. The only Idol contestant who could possibly have pulled off "America" is the departed Kristy Lee Cook, probably wearing an American-flag prom dress and holding a sparkler in each hand. David Archuleta probably won't sing "Heartlight," which is positively tragic, and "Two-Bit Manchild" is a little on-the-nose. But fear not, little David: Neil Diamond released the first version of "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother," and that would surely fit into your plan to hug all the world with sweet music.

In the end, there are enough good choices for everyone: Syesha Mercado belting "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" would take her right back to her overwrought sweet spot, while moony Jason Castro is a perfect fit for "Song Sung Blue," with its soothingly obvious rhymes like "knows one" and "grows one." None of that tricky stuff where "ma belle" turns out to be French or "Memory" turns out to have been sung by a cat. As for the eternal sunshine of Brooke White, she's about due for a nervous breakdown, which we predict will come exactly fifteen seconds into her performance of "I'm a Believer." —Linda Holmes

Portishead on Avoiding the Media, Playing Coachella, and Their Tense New Album

From left, Gibbons, Barrow, Utley.Courtesy of Portishead

Why did you guys choose to play Coachella?
Adrian Utley: Well, they’ve been ringing us now for six years to do it. We never seemed relevant before because we were in the studio making an album, so the idea of going out to play old material at a festival, while in the middle of writing new stuff, would have felt really shit. But now it feels right.

But why is that the only U.S. date?
A.U.: There’s nothing mysterious or sinister about it. We just don’t want to keep touring forever. The more touring you do, the more it informs your music, but it can also kind of thrash the fuck out of you so you don’t really want to see anybody else in the band ever again.

You post a lot on Portishead’s blog, and most of it is very self-aware, even critical, which is a state that’s always seemed to characterize the band. Do you agree?
Geoff Barrow: Sure. I think we’re very self-critical … [laughs] to the point where Adrian has stopped reading any press at all, because he says it doesn’t matter what he says, what everybody writes is wrong and it’s not representative.

Don’t you feel like that’s been self-generated in a lot of ways though? After all, Beth is almost as famous for her reticence as she is for being in the band.
G.B.: I don’t know. We can only be as we are. I mean, Beth is not doing interviews. That’s never changed. We get some interviews and people are like, “Beth doesn’t chat.” But you know that. All you fucking have to do is look online to know she doesn’t do interviews, so don’t be annoyed by it. You know what I mean? That’s what we do.

That is Portishead.
G.B.: Yeah, absolutely. I don’t want to come off in any way as sounding arrogant, but we are just as we are. Even when we play live, we seem self-critical because we’re playing these gigs, and they’ve got these lights, and it’s fairly rock and roll. To us it seems fucking ridiculous. We want to do something creative and interesting, but really, when you play live, you actually just end up on the same stage as fucking Limp Bizkit.

Has that happened?
G.B.: Most probably, somewhere down the line. You just keep thinking, What the fuck are we doing that for? Even more so now that we’re playing Coachella, in the middle of the fucking desert with loads and loads of people, and Prince after us. What the fuck are we doing that for?

All these frustrations seem to have really emerged in the sound of this album, which feels a lot more tense than its predecessors.
G.B.: As we’ve got older, you work out a few things about the world in a way. I don’t know … the more you actually look into things, the less time you spend in your head trying to chase the opposite sex, or the same sex, and you have children or whatever it is, you start realizing how brilliant, but also how shit, the world actually is.

For better or worse your music used to be labeled as “trip-hop.” How do you feel about that?
A.U.: Never liked it. It was just a weird name for something we did. A media name that didn’t really mean anything. For now I’m just glad that it’s gone and that we don’t have to talk about it anymore.
–Patrick Daly

‘The Hills’ Are Alive With the Sound of Stephen Colletti

Oh Lauren: Stephen's still not feeling you. No matter what the producers pay him.Photo courtesy of MTV

Anyway, Lauren and Lo and Audrina are talking about how they’re going to decorate the place and they come up with the brilliant idea to “put pictures on the walls!” Geniuses, these three. Lo even wants to get curtains! So novel. And then we learn that Audrina’s actually going to be living in the “guesthouse.” She likes that it’s private, and Lo and Lauren are happy that she’s at least pretending to be fine with their forcing her to live in the slave quarters out back. This kicks off the theme of the night: Lo and Lauren hate Audrina and make her feel unwelcome in her own home. Very nice, girls. They’re excited for a housewarming party, and so are we, since we have a feeling that a certain fedora-wearing scrub will be on hand to entertain us.

And now the credits. We always wonder about that model who makes the kissy face at the word “skin!” in the opening credits. We suspect she watches every week and thinks, “Damn, I look good in my tiny bikini with my puckered lips!” It’s either that or, “Here I am, homeless and selling my body for drugs — if only I wasn’t associated with The Hills … now no one will hire me!”

Back to Lauren and Lo, having lunch at Caffe Primo on a chilly California day. Lauren’s wearing a big green scarf in one shot, but then it’s off when they cut back to her a second later — makes you think about all the other crafty editing that’s going on in this reality show. She tells Lo how she and Audrina shop separately, the undertone of which is this: Girl dresses like a skank and I don’t. Which — sorry, Audrina, we know you’re having a rough week — is true. They talk about how Stephen Colletti is coming to the housewarming party, and how Lauren never really stopped loving him. “It always turns into a thing,” she says. This melts Lo’s “little black heart,” which is funny and true. Wait, how much time has passed since the girls got the house? How can they be moved in and ready to have a party already? Whatever, not worth dwelling on. Because here comes Spencer!

Stephanie walks into Karma Coffee and calls Spence a coffeehouse rat. Why didn’t they just meet at Stephanie’s apartment, where Spencer still lives?? Stephanie orders something called a Chai Bobba. Isn’t that what people call their Jewish grandmothers? We’re confused. Spencer lays into Stephanie about getting invited to Lauren’s housewarming party, accusing her (again) of having no family loyalty. And then Stephanie tells a lovely story about Spencer, in which he befriended a guy who broke up with Stephanie in high school. She calls him her ex-boyfriend, and Spencer, the worst brother since Cain, replies, “He wasn’t really your boyfriend, I have to tell you. Just 'cause you went to semi-formal with him?” What. An. Asshole. They fight a little more about what to tell Heidi, and then Spencer storms out, leaving Stephanie to drink her Bobba in silence. We think that was a new low for Spence-dog. We never understood how people could actually hate their siblings, but this is giving us an idea.

We cut back to the girls getting ready for their party. The lawn is decorated with tiki torches, and as responsible adults, we hope there’s a fire extinguisher somewhere in this Casa de Mean Girls. Lo’s in a pretty red dress and Audrina’s wearing, um, a gray cape? Unclear. She tells Lo and Lauren that Justin Bobby is coming to the party (yessssss), and the girls exchange eyebrow-raises and Lo says, “Maybe he’ll wear a cowboy hat?” in the most bitchy way possible. And fine, that’s kind of funny (though would have been funnier had she stuck with "fedora"), but do we really have to watch one more scene of them being mean to poor, idiotic Audrina? Bleh.

And now to the par-tay! There’s Whitney! There’s Brody, who got the girls a juicer! And there’s Cora, Brody’s new girlfriend! Lauren gives her the stink eye. On a side note: lots of stink-eyeing from LC this season. We have to wonder if it's actual stink eye, or if she just doesn't need some Visine.

Back at Heidi’s place, Heidi tells Stephanie how angry she’ll be if she goes to the party. Her argument is seriously flawed, which Stephanie points out. Stephanie calls the whole thing very “middle school,” which is true, but nevertheless stays in with Heidi instead of going to the party. We so would have gone to the fiesta if we were Stephanie. She was all dressed up! Heidi’s skin looks bad in this scene, and we wonder if it’s a post-op side effect, or just from the stress of being in a fake non-relationship with Spencer. You tell us.

Back at the party, we see Lauren's old flame from Laguna Beach, Stephen, enter looking very cute but chewing gum like you wouldn’t believe. Stop chomping, Stephen! It’s gross. And there’s Justin Bobby, sporting a mustache and haircut! Awesome. Brody greets him warmly, which is amusing. Lauren and Stephen bond about flowers or something, and we’re going to say this once: Lauren, he never liked you in high school, and he’s never going to like you now. No matter how many flirty half-smiles and loving gazes you throw his way, he’s just not that into you! Not even the producers can pay him to love you. Our boyfriend points out that in the time he’s known Lauren (say, five episodes), all she seems to do is stand around and pine after guys. Get a life, Lauren! And stop being so mean to Audrina, who’s taken refuge with JB in her slave’s quarters. She complains about how Lo and Lauren are treating her, and he says, “If shit starts up again, 'cause I have a feeling it will, you can’t win.” Priceless JB: nonsensical and vaguely offensive.

Cut to the next day, and now Lauren has a “date” with Stephen. She tells Lo it was his idea, but somehow we think it was hers. Or the producers'. She wears the most unfortunate asymmetrical dress we’ve ever seen, perhaps designed by Lauren herself — we think those curtains that Lo wanted ended up on Lauren’s body instead of the windows. Lauren and Stephen go to a romantic restaurant, and Lauren tries to manipulate him into saying he has feelings for her, but she obviously can’t … because he DOESN’T. He keeps repeating the word “platonic,” and Lauren’s pained face is the reward we get for having to watch her undermine Audrina a billion times this episode. She wants him to kiss her good-bye (and we’ll admit, we’d want a kiss good-bye, too … sorry, boyfriend), but he hugs her and drives off, just like he did the entirety of high school. Lauren then eats ice cream with Lo and pretends that she didn’t want anything to happen with Stephen. “Hanging out with him, I feel like I’m in high school. But I’m not in high school anymore.” Oh, Lauren, you so wish you were.

Next time: A PUPPY! It's so cute, it cures all wounds! Yippee! And Stephanie kicks Spencer out of her apartment, finally.

And now, time for our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!

As Real As Lauren Is Awkward:
• Spencer's caffeine addiction. He needs something to help him stay up at night and hatch evil plans.
• Audrina’s love for Justin Bobby. What is it about this guy that she likes? Can someone help us understand? It's so inane, it's got to be real.
• Lauren thinking it’s cold outside when it’s like 65 degrees. We hate people who live places where it’s always nice!!! Argh, jealousy.

As Fake As Heidi's Nose:
• Stephen and Lauren’s “date.”
• Brody’s girlfriend’s boobs. Hey, Audrina and Heidi, you have another friend-in-augmentation!
• Stephanie’s noble cause. She says she’s all about bringing everyone together, but no relation of Spencer could have such unselfish motives. —Emma Rosenblum

Obama Finally Distances Himself From Reverend Wright

Could Revered Wright's controversial recent public appearances have actually been a boon for Barack Obama? After all, they gave the presidential candidate the opportunity to say this at a press conference in North Carolina:

I am outraged by the comments that were made and saddened over the spectacle that we saw yesterday. I had been a member of Trinity United Church since 1992. I've known Reverend Wright for almost twenty years. The person I saw yesterday was not the person that I met twenty years ago. His comments were not only divisive and destructive, but I believe that they end up giving comfort to those who prey on hate, and I believe that they do not portray accurately the perspective of the black church. They certainly don't portray accurately my values and beliefs. And if Reverend Wright thinks that that's political posturing, as he put it, then he doesn't know me very well. And based on his remarks yesterday, well, I might not know him as well as I thought, either.

If you listen to the above video, it sounds like he said "I had been a member of Trinity United," but it's possible he meant to say "I have been." It seems like an important distinction. Either way, though, it's a long way away from Obama's inspiring (and Wright-supporting) speech on race in Philadelphia back in March. The aggression with which Obama denounces Wright suggests that he's been ready to take care of this issue for some time. Will it be enough to separate him from the incendiary pastor in a general election? Probably not. But he's at least marshaling his talking points in advance.

Obama Says He's Outraged By Former Pastor's Comments [AP/Breitbart]
Obama on Wright [Talking Points Memo]
Earlier: Reverend Wright Is Back
Barack Obama's Speech on Race Is Honest, Brutal

Poet Takes You to Less Than Exotic Places

In the past few years alone, Michael Hofmann has translated a prodigious amount of German lit into English and served as editor of the comprehensive anthology Twentieth-Century German Poetry. His witty, wise Selected Poems displays Hofmann’s gift for evoking a sense of place, whether it be a suburban landscape (“The soil was cedar chips, sprinkler heads and ants”) or a ramshackle, anonymous flat (“Six floors up, I found myself like a suicide— / one night, the last thing in a bare room…”).

New Portishead Album Out Today! Trip-Hop Is Back!

Sitting atop our rejected application for Mexican citizenship (filed during 2000's Latin-music explosion) was the device we'd had custom made in 1995 to alert us to the on-sale dates of new trip-hop albums (trip-hop itself mellowed us out so much that it was difficult to keep up with the release schedule). Since it hadn't beeped since 1998, we'd assumed it was broken or out of batteries, but we guess it still works! Turns out Portishead have a new record (Third, their first in a decade) out today. We'll see you at Tower Records!

Sex enters 'Hannah Montana's' world

Mario Denies Karina Split: "It's All Good"

A Jimi Hendrix poster

Your Pencil May Be Your Key to the High Line This Summer

Chelsea: Thirty-four lucky people will get to take a sketching class on the un-opened High Line this summer … and apparently they don't even have to be talented! [NewYorkology]
Greenpoint: New York, I Love You, a series of short films with big names attached patterned after the recent Paris, Je T'aime, is shooting here this week. Greenpoint, we love you! [Gowanus Lounge]
East Harlem: Locals protested their City Council member, Melissa Mark-Viverito, for supporting the vote before City Council tomorrow to rezone 125th Street to make way for condos and hotels. [NY1 via Uptown Flavor]

Park Slope: Some Slopies want to shut down bar and rock joint Union Hall, in part because "while it may look like a library from the outside, it's anything but." So don't be fooled and go try to finish your novel in there or anything. [Gothamist]
West Village: Owners of the Sex and the City townhouse on Perry Street have finally put up a chain barring folks from sitting on the stoop for photos … unless they've paid for the official SATC tour, it seems. [Curbed]
Willets Point: The city's controversial, $3 billion plan to turn this gritty swath of Queens into a hotel- and retail-featuring megasite may be chopped in two, with the site's western half completed first, by 2013. [NYDN]

Artist Chris Scarborough Clouds Our Judgment

Chris Scarborough’s Ecstasy (2007)Courtesy Foley Gallery

Previewing the Costume Institute's Superheroes Exhibit

Three looks from the exhibit. From left: Bernhard Willhelm, spring and summer 2006; Jean Paul Gaultier, spring and summer 2003; John Galliano for Christian Dior Haute Couture, spring and summer 2001, Wonder Woman Collection.Photos: Willhelm and Galliano courtesy of Chris Moore; Gaultier courtesy of firstVIEW

Fashion mirrors the superhero's obsessive preoccupation with the ideal body, signaling changes, both subtle and obvious, in prevailing standards of perfection. [...] Fashion, like the superhero, celebrates metamorphosis, providing unlimited opportunities to remake and reshape the flesh and the self.

After the jump, a sampler of the exhibit's looks from Thierry Mugler, Alexander McQueen, Dolce & Gabbana, and more, plus a brief explanation of the superhero inspirations behind them — just in case you need to impress a random dude (or your little brother). —Jessica Coen

From left: Alexander McQueen, fall and winter 2007–2008; Giorgio Armani, spring and summer 1990; Thierry Mugler, fall and winter 1997–1998.Photos: McQueen courtesy of Chris Moore; Armani by Jacques Olivar, courtesy of Giorgio Armani; Mugler © copyright Patrice Stable

From left: Thierry Mugler, fall and winter 1996–1997; Dolce & Gabbana, spring and summer 2007; Thierry Mugler, spring and summer 1992.Photos: Mugler, both © copyright Patrice Stable; Dolce & Gabbana courtesy of Chris Moore

From left: Thierry Mugler, fall and winter 1995–1996; Gareth Pugh, spring and summer 2007; W. & L.T. by Walter Van Beirendonck, spring and summer 1996.Photos: Mugler courtesy of Chris Moore; Pugh courtesy of firstView; Van Beirendonck courtesy of Walter Van Beirendonck archive

Jerry Springer Not Good Enough for Whiny Law Students

Photo illustration: Getty Images, iStockphoto

Um, we object! Given that such events would make the ceremony the most exciting graduation ever (not to mention a viral video hit), we're throwing our support behind the talk-show host. Sure, his show isn't the most highbrow in the history of television, but the man is an alum, and a politically savvy one at that. "As always, I am honored to have been asked, flattered that the students invited me," Springer told the AP. "And as for those who didn't want me, it just shows they have good taste." Way to joke it off, Jerr (can we call you Jerr?), but really, it's flat-out snobbery. Does the same paper not remember touting Springer's $230,000 donation for a "high-tech facility for students with disabilities"? Man, what a generous lowlife. Further evidence of his merit: The guy inspired an opera! We should be thanking the former news anchor for his cultural gifts.

Look, we're not saying Springer's a saint, but he's hardly the devil either. And this is law school, not a theological seminary. We'd actually have been totally psyched to have someone bring a little humor to the stage. (We had a stump-speechy John McCain when we graduated from Northwestern and have always envied our Harvard friend who enjoyed the inspirational words of Mr. Will Ferrell.) So, say it with us now: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! How's that for a closing argument? —Lori Fradkin

Alistair Cooke Body-Part Snatcher Found Guilty

Photo: Time & Life Pictures/Getty Images

Before Cooke died of lung cancer in 2004 at the age of 95, he had requested that his body be cremated (he reportedly had a fear of being cut open) and the ashes spread over Central Park. Since this is not technically allowed by park officials who don’t want CP turning into a graveyard, his family gathered his remains in a Starbucks cup and carried out the task in secret. It later came to light that before the cremation, his legs had been sawed off to be sold for body-parts trafficking.

While it’s great that the leg snatchers have been brought to justice, it seems like we’re ignoring the real criminals here — the family members who packed his cremains into a cardboard coffee cup. Surely the death of a loved one is occasion to break out the fine china? Our Alistair was clearly a tea man, anyway.

Man Convicted in Plot to Carve Up Corpses [NYDN]

Woody Allen Nixes Threesome, Drives Publicist Crazy

Photo: WireImage

That said, if Woody’s movies keep making this little money, eventually someone’s gonna stop paying for them. Which is why we rejoiced when, in February, "Page Six" quoted a publicist doggedly reported that his newest movie, Vicky Christina Barcelona, featured an “extremely erotic” threesome scene between Scarlett Johansson, Penélope Cruz, and Javier Bardem. To quote: “Penélope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping.” That kind of publicity, Woody, you just can’t buy! If only they could figure out a way to erase Woody’s name from the poster entirely — something they’ve already tried — then maybe we could convince one of our friends to actually see it with us!

Unfortunately, Woody Allen never met a publicity ploy he couldn’t eviscerate, particularly if it allows him to further perfect his signature brand of self-deprecation that no one has believed since the late seventies. Hence, when Vicky Christina Barcelona was blessed with surprisingly good placement in Entertainment Weekly’s Summer Movie Preview edition, Woody took only twelve words to eliminate any desire anyone else might have had to see his movie:

The legendary director is actually eager to dispel the titillating rumors swirling around his latest project, a bittersweet romantic comedy set in Spain. ''Because it was Penelope and Scarlett and Javier, it got out that there was torrid sex in the picture,'' Allen says. Sorry, that's not the case. There's sex, yes, but it's a discreetly photographed ménage à trois. ''People who come and expect those exaggerations are going to be disappointed.''

Honestly, Woody … whose side are you on, man? With our luck, the steamy sex scene we do get will be in his next movie, starring Larry David and Evan Rachel Wood. —Will Leitch

Sapphic Steam [NYP]

Summer Movie Preview [EW]

The Best Veils, Stationery, and Gifts for This Season's Weddings

It's almost May, which means wedding season is here! But that stack of invites on your desk waiting to go out means you already knew that — and that your head is about to explode from too many unmade decisions. Were the chocolate-chip or chocolate-raspberry petits fours better? Are the napkins with the lace too formal? Should the bridesmaids wear tea-length or full-length dresses? It's a lot to manage, which is why we went ahead and did some of the hard work for you in our new Weddings Shop-A-Matic. We selected 106 hair accessories, 100 stationery samples, and 212 registry and gift ideas across all price ranges. So even if you're not getting married, you have no excuse not to give your wedded pals fabulous presents. After all, weddings only happen once. Unless you get divorced. Kidding! Here's a sample of our favorite wedding things.

Wraparound Birdcage Veil Made Exclusively for Lotus Bridal
Price: $180
Why we like it: This exudes simplicity and elegance. Perfect to pair with an Oscar de la Renta or Vera Wang gown. The pearls and rhinestones add just a little touch of detail without overdoing it.

Karen & Michael by Double Happiness Creations
Price: $27 per set
Why we like it: Created for the ultimate New York downtown couple, this letterpress invitation features a map of the tip of Manhattan. Why not remind your guests where cool people like you live?

Melamine Plate by Thomas Paul
Price: $38
Why we like it: This powerful graphic print is bright enough to stand out in any home, yet it’s not floral overkill.

Domus Book Collection Published by Taschen
Price: $700
Why we like it: The twelve-volume collection chronicles seven decades of domus, an international-architecture-and-design journal, from 1928 to 1999, and will make the owners of any home seem supersophisticated. —Sharon Clott

See the rest of our weddings picks in the complete Shop-A-Matic.

Mel Gibson returns to the big screen

Uma Thurman's Stalker Makes Us Empathize With Her Again

Lydia Hearst in ten years Uma Thurman.Photo: Getty Images

A terrified Uma Thurman shook and cried, "Look at this, look at this!" after an alleged stalker tried to force his way into her movie trailer during a SoHo film shoot, her wardrobe assistant told a Manhattan jury Monday. "Her hands were shaking, she was soaked," Joseph La Corte testified in the stalking-and-harassment trial of lovesick fan Jack Jordan. "She couldn't sit still. She didn't want to get dressed." La Corte said two burly Teamsters prevented Jordan from barging into Thurman's trailer in November 2005.

The defendant showed up at her house, threatened suicide if she wouldn't see him, and wrote her postcards that said things like, "My hands should be on your body at all times." Ew. This has really brought Uma back into the softest spot in our hearts. Where she used to live in the mid-nineties when she filmed Gattaca, The Truth About Cats and Dogs, and Beautiful Girls … What? Shut up, Gattaca was a really good movie, okay?

Uma Stalk Terror [NYDN]

Bahrain islamists seek to stop show by Lebanese singer Haifa Wehbe

Ali Stephens, the Early Years

First day of third grade; Ali with her brother at SeaWorld, in 2003.Photo: Courtesy of Elite Model Management

Dressed up as a cowgirl; at a cross-country meet in 2006.Photo: Courtesy of Elite Model Management

'24' fans have a new show to watch

Tricia Walsh-Smith to Move Her Ranting Elsewhere

Photo: Getty Images

In the first YouTube video, she claimed that the couple never had sex in their nine years of marriage (though, to be fair, did she really want to make it with a 77-year-old-man?). Yet she found Viagra and condoms among his belongings last year! She then called his assistant and explained all this to her, which may have been one of the greatest speakerphone exchanges we've seen since Crank Yankers.

In the latest video installment posted over the weekend, Walsh-Smith took issue with her ex's divorcing her on grounds of cruel and inhuman behavior. "The only cruel behavior I've ever done to that man was make him have skim milk in his cappuccino," she said. She also complained that Smith is trying to boot her from the apartment and asked for donations so that she can buy a tent to live in once she’s evicted. After yesterday’s hearing, Walsh-Smith, 52, told reporters that she was surprised by all the media attention her YouTube videos have received. She added: "If I had stabbed [my husband] to death, I don't think it would have got as much press as me going online and saying, 'My husband never bonks me.’”

One can only hope that she starts broadcasting from her new YouTube-viewer-funded tent as soon as possible. If there’s anything that’ll make those eyes look any crazier, it’ll be the glow of a flashlight under enclosed nylon.

YouTube OK’d for Divorce [NYP]

Waris Ahluwalia and Christy Turlington on Man Makeup

Waris and Christy.Photo: Getty Images

Christy Turlington, on the other hand, would rather see men wear makeup than get plastic surgery. "Men's plastic surgery seems to be a growing thing. I see it everywhere. It's freaky! I'd rather see a man — I got my own husband, mind you — in makeup," she said. So if she's down with man makeup, how about the proliferation of men in tight pants and women's jeans? "Oh, wow. Mine doesn't. My 2-year-old doesn't, and my husband doesn't. Not in my house," she replied. Thank God someone's keeping her 2-year-old out of the tight-pants section. The last thing we need are baby hipsters tripping us at Whole Foods.

Christy started modeling at 15, Miley Cyrus's age. Perhaps she could shed some light on Cyrus's controversial Vanity Fair photo shoot? "Is it the new issue?" she asked. No, silly. It's the June issue, and it's not out yet. She posed topless with a sheet. Any bells ringing? "A Britney Spears in the making? I haven't seen it, but it sounds like it," she said. Well, at least she didn't miss that one. "I have to say, I was working at that age, and I probably did stupid things like that," she added. "You don't know, people kind of coerce you — you think you're older than you are because you've been working for a long time, and I'm sure that's part of it." We still can't believe she didn't hear about this yesterday. — Blythe Sheldon

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