Instead of a backlash, the game got a gushing Times review that called the new GTA IV an "exhilarating, lusciously dystopian rendition of New York City... a simultaneously adoring and insightful take on modern America." It probably helps that "all of the content in Grand Theft Auto IV, including the sex scenes, were seen by an industry ratings body before the game went on sale," according to the Wall Street Journal.
I guess the paper didn't mind the line, "Fuck the shit out of it you nasty fucker," delivered during a car sex scene by one of the game's prostitutes. Not that most people who play the game will mind, either.
Here's a brief roundup of sex scenes from the game, culled from a longer video posted to Boinkology, which sourced it from IGN.
(And, no, this post has nothing to do with the ad campaign now running on Gawker, just for the record.)
 The Celebrity Truth | Stone Temple Pilots singer Weiland pleads no contest to DUI The Associated Press - LOS ANGELES (AP) - Rocker Scott Weiland has pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor drunken driving charge and was sentenced to eight days in jail. Weiland Pilots Himself into Jail Scott Weiland sentenced to 8 days in jail |
Step in time with our Dancing with the Stars performance show liveblog:
It's week seven and the remaining six contestants' feet will really be put to the fire tonight as each...Dupré's lawsuit claims Francis promoted the new videos by saying she was "doing a lot of hot lesbian acts," which she says is false. The suit also accuses Francis of trying to get the public to believe Dupré "is performing sexual acts'' in the videos. Not true again, she says...
"Defendants created the false impression that [Dupré] has endorsed and/or approves of the graphic, sexual content, including lesbian acts, contained in the video, which in reality she does not," the suit says.
Dupre is also not happy that Francis registered ashleydupre.net. She is also arguing that, when she encountered Francis at 17, she was both too young and too drunk to consent to the video. Obviously! Within a few short years she was already making much wiser and healthier decisions about how to live her life.
Jennifer Love Hewitt is not going to perspire on her wedding day.
"It won't be a summer wedding. I won't be a sweaty bride," says the Ghost Whisperer star, who is...
[Essentially Emily, Essentially Emily]
The Game isn't playing with this one. In light of the shooting death of 23-year-old Sean Bell and the subsequent acquittal last week of the NYPD officers who fired the fatal shots, the...In the show, to be seen on U.S. television next month, she spoke of Cruise, now 45, as an awkward young man who was struggling to adjust to his new life.
"He was shy," she said. "He said he felt like such a boob in school and nobody talked to him. We went on a date once for dinner in a New York restaurant and the waitress was from his old school.
"He told me she never talked to him back in school, but now he was recognised he got all her attention.
...As she recounted her time with the actor, the audience burst into a frenzy of cheering and whooping, especially when she spoke of one particularly "long night" in his arms.
As first reported by E! Online last week, Hilary Duff was offered the lead in the CW's new 90210 spinoff. Did she take the part or will some other ingenue be the new Brenda Walsh? Kristin Dos...
Photo: Getty Images
Let's commence dress judgment with one of the most-talked-about guests of the night, Heidi Montag. Props to her on the shoes. The dress looks nice, too. The bag, we could do without. But Heidi really needs to learn to stand up straight. In every photo she looks like she has no neck, and that is most definitely not what Tyra taught us on America's Next Top Model. Also, it wouldn't kill her to give a happy smile rather than an "I'm sorry I'm so famous — but not really" face.
Look! It's Montag's rival, Lauren Conrad! Her cleavage looks quite fantastic. Tasteful, authentic. We won't remember this dress in five minutes, though. Jenny McCarthy also looks classy. However that deep V on her bust makes her girls look a bit droopy. Not the most flattering cut.Photo: Getty Images
This is fitness guru Denise Austin showing what not to do on the red carpet. We hope she washed her hands before dinner. Photo: Getty Images
John McCain's daughter Megan looks charming in this color, but her dress could use a steam. Meanwhile, we're dying to pull Ashlee Simpson's dress up. Also, we're not really into Pete Wentz's tie, but at least he's rocking his own style. His pant length indicates he expected a flood. Then again, it did rain that night.Photo: Getty Images
More cool blue on Padma Lakshmi, who wore a dress that looks to have been sewn by a small child. And Pam Anderson's trying to bring back the side slit. Though you have to hand it to Pam: No matter what the occasion, she stays true to her signature skin-baring look.Photo: Getty Images
Ashley Dupré wants Joe Francis to pay for her unwanted 15 minutes of fame (the ones not having to do with Eliot Spitzer). The escort caught in the crossfire when the then governor of New...
Photo: iStockphoto
How can you tell if you have talent? I submit to magazines and they reject me. I submit to contests and I lose. I try for the creative writing awards at my university every year, and never get so much as an honorable mention. I work and work and work on my craft … There must be someone who could read one of my manuscripts and then whack me across the face with it — or tell me, yes, keep on trying, there's something here. Where do I find him?
Cary’s response came in just under 1,300 words. Somebody wants to show he can earn his keep during this recession! It’s mostly a lot of touchy-feely mumbo jumbo about giving voice to the voiceless and includes an overextended metaphor having something to do with a dog lying on a deck. But that's all unnecessary. Rather than spending the rest of your good years trying to decipher that answer, Writer or Fool, just take our advice. It’s very easy to find out what people think of your writing. It’s called blogging and the magic words are “What do you think? Leave it in the comments section below!” But honey, don’t say we didn’t warn you. —Noelle Hancock
Since You Asked [Salon]
Courtesy of Rockstar and Paramount
For GTA’s foe, Iron Man, it was a day of ups and downs.
The high: New York’s estimable David Edelstein said he “loved” the film, which he says belongs in the pantheon of ludicrously oversimplified but nonetheless gratifying liberal-humanist vengeance flicks. The low: The New Yorker’s David Denby calls Iron Man a “whooshing junk pile.” (Neither bad nor good, but funny: our misreading this Rotten Tomatoes pull quote from Richard Roeper as stating “Robert Downey, Jr. is in this movie.”)
Grand Theft Auto IV is looking hard to beat. The title comes out tomorrow for Xbox 360 and PS3, and although our video-game usage has been on the wane for many years, we’re thinking about firing the ol’ console back up. Since the last system we owned was the N64, we will also have to buy said console and spend 30 minutes figuring out how to turn it on. (And plug it into the Internet so an 11-year-old Dutch child can call us a “homo” when we screw up in an online multiplayer game.) We're perfectly willing to have our minds changed by the geniuses of America's pop-culture hype complex, though, so tune in tomorrow to see whether Iron Man can fight back. It's a 21st-century cliffhanger. —Ben Mathis-Lilley
Grand Theft Auto Takes On New York [NYT]
Grand Theft Auto IV Review [IGN]
A Hero for Our Times [NYM]
Unsafe [NYer]
Earlier: How Much Money Will You Spend on May 2?
The listing starts out normal enough, obviously location is the big draw and the posters acknowledge that the "the apartment building is full of units and many neighbors to meet and greet. Some are cool, some are not, some want to be cool, some are fun, some are attractive, and some are douche bag kids that we forbid in our home." Wait, huh? Forbid? Let's hope there is some sort of playbook with Polaroids you can study before you move in outlining who is who.
Qualifications like "someone who showers," "does an occasional dish," and "you make nasty in the bathroom, you light incense" all seem legitimate enough, and props for the phrasing in a clever way. But what follows then spirals into a list of super specific, quasi-offensive list of qualifications.
• "Your are not a slut, you are not a douche bag."
• "You are not too old, you are not too young."
• " You don’t say you are a writer, you have 6 chapters done and working on number 7."
• "You have a job with perks we can all use."
• "You use apple computers and read vice magazine."
• "The front living room is designed … to check your myspace excessively."
• "You even bust out the broom and murder some dust bunnies."
For people so obviously into defining the limitations of being hipper-than-thou, we seem to remember loving MySpace and Vice mag like, uh, five years ago. Let us guess, you're still doing whippets too, right? And kudos to you for taking your coolness cues from Steve Jobs, way to think outside the iPhone box, Che. For that matter, shouldn’t you be in Bushwick or Astoria or something by now, not down the street from DuMont Burger advocating your bunnycide? And, oh, that ending line, "You are not an asshole," just strikes us a bit of the pot calling the kettle a hipster, no?
$1100 BIG ROOM IN GIANT LOFT!!! Bedford & N3rd!! [Craigslist]
Earlier: Mrs. Bojangles Needs a Roommate
Ahh! Her back is showing!Photo: Vanity Fair
But we're not the only blog with opinions. After the jump, we've compiled some of our favorite Miley Cyrus blog posts of the day.
• Glam Chic notes that the white-sheet photo shoot is a "rite of passage for many of Hollywood’s most beloved stars." They've compiled images of some memorable white-sheet magazine covers, including Jennifer Aniston and her naked rear on the cover of Rolling Stone and New York's Gossip Girl cover from last week's issue.
• Mediabistro's Fishbowl got a photographer's perspective from the former photography director of Men's Journal and Outside. He said Leibovitz probably doesn't know enough about Cyrus to realize that such a photograph would be so poorly received since she's too busy to research her subjects.
• Perez Hilton published Annie Leibovitz's statement. She thinks the photo is beautiful and everyone's misinterpreting it.
• The Superficial looked at the behind-the-scenes photos, too, and writes, "I put on my detective hat and tried to find the gun in these photos that Annie Leibovitz used to force defenseless Miley Cyrus to pose for these pictures, but so far no dice. I thought I saw Adolf Hitler with a machete and had cracked this case wide open but it was just a palm tree." They also have a clip of the View ladies discussing the photo, the "sassiest barrage of sass this side of Sassylvania."
• Nicole Bitchy has a behind-the-scenes video of the shoot and also notes Cyrus doesn't look uncomfortable or worried. The blog also says that Miley was never a good role model anyway, so who cares?
1. Prince, "Creep" (Live at Coachella)
Every year we think the plane tickets and $300 admission to Coachella aren't going to be worth it, and then we find out something like this happens. But even if we won't get any of that desert sunshine, with the Internet, we can at least bask in a little faded glory on our iPods. [Deaf Indie Elephants]
2. The Roots, "I Will Not Apologize"
The Roots tricked us all into thinking that "Birthday Girl" was going to be the first single from their new record, but now it isn't going to be on the album. But as you can tell from this actual (and awesome) song from the album, we shouldn't expect much contrition. [Mixtape Maestro]
3. Free Kitten, "Seasick"
Noisy feminist supergroup Free Kitten (featuring members of Pussy Galore, Sonic Youth, and Boredoms) is back after a decade with a song about a spiteful lady pirate. This is the best news we've heard all day, aside from Prince's Radiohead cover, of course. [Pitchfork]
4. George Benson, "Turn Your Love Around (Database remix)"
This track is the first to be released from Buffetlibre's new eighties remix project. Kudos to the label for daring to shine light on the music of a lost era. [Lemur Blog]
5. Kidz in the Hall, "Drivin Down the Block (remix feat. Bun B, Pusha T, Clipse, and the Cool Kids)"
The "z" lets you know these guys aren't aging Canuck comedians, so you get more chicken heads than Chicken Ladies. Still, 30 Helens agree that this is a great remix of their new song. [Get Weird Turn Pro]
—Ehren Gresehover
[Photos by Lynn Hershman Leeson]
• Total Beauty compiled a list of their lowest-rated beauty products. Losers include John Frieda Frizz-Ease which they say doesn't actually de-frizz and Smashbox’s Lip Enhancing Gloss because it doesn't enhance. [Total Beauty]
SKIN
• NYC-based Susan Ciminelli's new skin products are “eerily calming.” The night cream is spiked with lavender. Ahhhh. [Daily Beauty Reporter/Allure]
• Alaskan Glacial Mud Co. creates mud masks to exfoliate skin and remove impurities. The mud comes in vanilla lavender, so it doesn't smell like dirt. Don’t skimp on the $6 applicator brush, though. It's so much more fun that way. [Makeup Loves Me]
• Dermatologist Dr. Benabio calls Strivectin, the "better than Botox" cream, the most overrated product because it’s not better than Botox. Well, at least it doesn't involve needles and sap one's ability to emote. [Gotta Spa]
FRAGRANCE
• In May, Christian Dior launches Escale a Portofino, the first in a series of “fragrance cruise collections.” [Now Smell This]
NAILS
• The new OPI summer collection Mod About Brights features six new shades, like a green polish called "Green-wich Village." And a neon-yellow called "The 'It' Color." Oh, what will the nail-polish industry think of next . [All Lacquered Up]
Bellerose: Democrats are livid that a public school in this part of Queens is to be named for longtime Republican state senator Frank Padavan, who holds one of a handful of seats needed for Dems to seize the Senate in the next election. [NYDN via Queens Crap]
Cobble Hill: Cops last week were cracking down on folks who violated a park curfew here that starts as early as 9 p.m. Come on, this ain't no hooligan oasis like that park over in Carroll Gardens. [Brooklyn Paper]
East Village: At a recent community board meeting, sounds like it was the young hipsters who were kvetching about a noisy new skate park and the old-timers who were defending it. Veddy interestink. [Curbed]
Flatiron: The landlord of the longtime SRO the Breslin on Broadway is turning it into a boutique Ace Hotel and wants to herd about a hundred holdout tenants on a common floor, but most are resisting. [Chelsea Now]
Greenpoint: And speaking of hipsters, it appears that a stop-work order has been put on a rooftop expansion at casa de los hipsters Studio B. [Newyorkshitty]
Highbridge: A dispatch from this part of the Bronx suggests that the Sean Bell verdict outraged locals much more than the official New York Times account reported. [West Bronx Blog]
Upper West Side: Madonna's finally managed to buy a $7 mil, seventh-floor co-op at Harperley Hall (where she's already had a big pad since the eighties), after suing the co-op board for blocking her bid. Bite that hard candy, board. [Real Deal]
Guest of Cindy ShermanCourtesy of Filmlike
"One of the reasons they broke up was that we were making this film," Donahue explained at the pre-premiere party last night at 1 Oak. "Cindy was very supportive of it but didn't expect it to become the behemoth that it became. She started getting very nervous about it." Sherman retained final approval of the film (including its title) and was looking at rough cuts six months ago. "She had very good, reasoned arguments why she wanted certain things taken out," he said, but couldn't elaborate on examples: "I don't want to piss her off." But now, Donahue said, "She doesn't want to have any part of it. She's distanced herself from it, and she's like, 'I don't want to go to any events at Tribeca.'"
"I don't think she's very happy about it," echoed Paul H-O. "I don't know what she's feeling. I know that it must be tough on her. To have this much focused on her name. And on her work, in a project from a relationship she's no longer engaged in." The bespectacled Paul H-O sounded wistful. "She's in another relationship now. I wish that she felt differently and was with us right now." —Justin Ravitz
See an exclusive clip from Guest of Cindy Sherman here, and see New York's complete coverage of the Tribeca Film Festival here!
Photo: Getty Images
"I'm great with kids," she recently told the Daily News. "I think I'm still a big giant kid. I understand them and usually we're the same size. I think I understand the way they look up at the world."
We’re looking forward to some good womb-based humor (or wombor) on SNL over the next couple of months. If The Daily Show's Samantha Bee is any indication, pregnancy only makes you funnier. And who doesn’t love a good vagina joke? (With the exception of Rovzar, who thinks vaginas are horrifying and possibly have teeth.)
Anyway, to recap: Amy Poehler is on Saturday Night Live, currently has a No. 1 movie, her new Nickelodeon series The Mighty B! premiered this weekend, she performs at the Upright Citizens Brigade every Sunday, and she still has time to have sex. The woman is a machine. —Noelle Hancock
'Baby Mama' Star Amy Poehler is Pregnant [Us Weekly]
Related: ‘Baby Mama’ Success a Boon to Funny Women, Pun-Loving Headline Writers [Vulture]
Photo: Getty Images
Also mum on the topic of the Costume Institute gala was none other than Hills girl Lauren Conrad. It's not that she's dressing anyone attending (thank God) but when we asked her if she was invited, she replied, "What's that? Is that where a designer picks a specific celebrity and designs a piece specifically for them? I don't know if I'm on that list." And that's the difference between the Costume Institute Gala and the White House Correspondents dinner. — Jada Yuan
Related: How Anna Wintour Controls Her Big Gala
Photo: Suzan / PA Photos / Retna
So, the shorthand of your story is usually that you came over here with a bunch of songs written by Max Martin, disappeared for ten years, and now you’re back. But the truth is you were recording the whole time.
I can’t say that it’s weird because I know the business, and I know how journalists have to angle stuff to get people interested, whether it’s comparing me to Britney or saying it’s a comeback. But it’s just the way it works. Most people that hear my music before it's been released in America know my story. And with my record company I was able to build it this time in a way that’s more organic. It’s a real relief.
Your label’s called Konichiwa Records, and you have a song called “Konichiwa Bitches.” That’s a reference to Chappelle’s Show, right?
Yeah!
Were you a big fan of that show? Did they have that in Sweden?
I love Dave Chappelle. I think he’s a genius. When me and Klaus Ahlund — who produced and co-wrote a lot of this album — got in the studio, one of the things we were vibing on at the time was Dave Chappelle. We watched that sketch and just thought it was hilarious. It’s an obvious reference, too, to the music I grew up with, which was hip-hop.
Yeah, you've said that hip-hop was your punk rock. Is that something personal, or was it because in Sweden hip-hop wasn’t as easily distributed or accepted?
Well, you tell me, at that time, was hip-hop commercial in America? I guess it just started? You tell me, but I guess, hip-hop, it wasn’t what it is now.
Well, yeah, if you’re talking about NWA getting letters from the FBI and stuff like that…
Exactly, exactly. For me, it was even before that. [And] it was Technotronic, which was a super European group, with “Pump Up the Jam,” but it was still this girl on there rapping like it was 1982. To me, hip-hop music is American music — it’s Biggie and it's Snoop and it's Wu-Tang and all that — but it’s also a place where I felt where I was free from genre. It was a very kind of punk environment where kids got into lots of different things, you know?
Pitchfork has been really big on the new album. Did that surprise you?
When I made this album, I had no idea about having an international career again. It was really something that I did because I felt that I had to because otherwise I wouldn’t be happy as a human being. When sites like Pitchfork and other people started to write about the album, it kind of gave me the courage to believe that there was still an audience out there for me. And without sounding corny or pretentious, that’s such a blessing.
Just to get a sense of how big of a star you are in Sweden, is it tough for you to walk down the street? Do you have paparazzi?
No, we don’t. It’s really a good country to be famous in because people let you be. It’s not like America and it’s not like the U.K. … but yeah, I’m the, you know, the Madonna of Sweden [laughs].
Last question , and it’s kind of cheesy, but we were watching the "Show Me Love" video, and you look almost exactly the same as you do now. What’s your, um, beauty secret?
[Laughs] There’s no secret at all. It’s just that I was blessed with chubby cheeks, and I was born in a country where it’s really cold and there’s no sun so I don’t get wrinkles.
—Amos Barshad
Earlier: Will Santogold Be the Next M.I.A.? Vulture Handicaps the Race
This isn’t just the latest, best entry in the popular, comically ultraviolent video-game series; it's a viable, more-fun alternative to actually going outside. Set in Liberty City — a living, breathing, fully explorable New York simulacrum, modeled in detail on four of Gotham's boroughs (sorry, Staten Island!) — GTA IV will finally allow you to enjoy Manhattan as you would if you were invincible, unprosecutable, and had unlimited access to firearms, tanks, and helicopters. You may never see real sunlight again.
Karin Weiner’s Somewhere Above the Abyss
the Clouds Are Gathering (2008).Courtesy of ZieherSmith
The two Hills stars (Heidi, left, LC, right) this weekend at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington.Photo: Getty Images
MonsieurPhoto: hintmag.com
Man on Man [Hint via Inspired]
Stuart tries Jean Paul Gaultier Monsieur 'guyliner' [Brandish]
Photo: Randi Eichenbaum
She’s bristling at all the people who criticized her last YouTube appearance, telling her to grow up and go get a job. She claims she can’t get work anymore because her husband is throwing his weight around the theater community to get her blacklisted (Shubert Organization owns seventeen theaters on Broadway). Now she’s persona non grata on the Great White Way.
“In New York, if you don’t have money, you’re screwed,” she notes sagely. Today her ex is taking her to court to try to evict her and she’s asking for donations to help her buy a tent.
“I am speaking my truth!” she says. “I will continue to speak my truth!” Sing it, soul sister. This is more entertaining than anything on Broadway right now and you don’t have to haul yourself over to Hell's Kitchen to enjoy it. Trust us: Pass on those tickets to The Little Mermaid tonight, eat dinner at 6 p.m., watch this video, and make Tricia part of your world. —Noelle Hancock
This script is good, but there's not enough drama in it.Photo courtesy of Sci Fi
Or maybe it was just the overheated story lines: Baltar tried to prove himself a prophet by freaking out and breaking stuff; Tigh exorcised his lingering guilt over his wife’s murder by letting the imprisoned Number Six wail on him; and Chief coped with Cally’s death by getting into a screaming match with Adama. We know that finding Earth is stressful, people, but, seriously, simmer down!
They Have a Plan
Baltar’s conversion into an official mouthpiece for the Cylons’ “one God” theory is now complete. And thank God that’s over: While this plotline is certainly going to have major significance in the near future, right now it feels like a lot of rigmarole for little payoff. And, honestly, we’re kinda over Baltar. Where once he was a lovable heel, callously playing on the fleet’s basest fears, it now seems as he's being pushed around by the show’s writers (just like that imaginary Number Six in his head). He's being positioned as a Christ figure, but really he’s become an interstellar Forrest Gump, sitting around and waiting for remarkable events to happen to him.
We Are at War
The episode’s best moments were in watching how differently Tigh, Chief, and Tory are handling their Cylon-ness. And although they’re each responding precisely as we would expect, that doesn’t make it any less tragic. Tigh is manfully soldiering on the best he can, even if it means he gets himself killed in the process. Softhearted Chief is falling apart, unable to handle the emotional strain. Meanwhile, Tory couldn’t be happier. Always a bit of a cipher, she represents every unhappy person who willingly falls under the sway of a dangerous cult leader (or, if you’ve seen Standard Operating Procedure, manipulative superior officer) to finally feel like a part of something. Roslin learned to distrust Baltar a while ago, but that image of born-again Tory soaking in his every word at the end of Friday’s episode suggests that she should be the one Laura ought to worry about. Cally isn’t the last person she’s gonna send out an airlock, that’s for sure. —Tim Grierson
Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek at what your friends and neighbors are doing behind doors left slightly ajar. Today, the Rebounding Divorcé Lawyer: 36, male, straight, recently divorced, financial district.
DAY ONE
6:15 a.m.: Alarm goes off. Morning wood is pronounced, as if it knows about Sex Diary project. Kiss sleeping sweet, loving, sexy Rebound Girl. I use capital "R" and capital "G" because your first (and second, and third…) post-divorce relationships are quintessential rebounds. Take silent pride in the fact that Rebound Girl is hotter and kinder than ex-wife.
7:25 a.m.: Check morning e-mails on BlackBerry. They include a message from a regular swingers party that my ex-wife and I used to frequent. She apparently still goes, but now with my former best man/best friend, whom I discovered she was sleeping with six months ago, leading to my divorce after two and a half years of marriage. We all thought he was closeted. Guess not.
12:29 p.m.: Shower. After going down on her (so fresh and clean!), then her on me, and then slow grinding that eventually leads aggressive thrusting sex with me on top, we are both back in the shower, where she washes me and tells me that she loves my penis. My penis loves her.
1:15 p.m.: We leave together. I like her, but I am not ready and we both know she is not going to be my next wife. She also typically prefers grinding sex to thrusting sex, which is basically doing yoga, your penis' subtle movements timed to her breathing. To her credit, she gives me free rein after she comes.
1:29 a.m.: At home. Light a joint and turn to reliable "lesbian ass licking" search on YouPorn to masturbate.
DAY TWO
11:15 a.m.: Wake up and take care of morning wood while replaying last night's YouPorn find. Wonder if I can bookmark this video.
12:15 p.m.: Arrive at favorite soccer bar, typically a wasteland of drunken men. Amazingly find a seat next to two reasonably attractive Brazilian women. Attempt to impress them by ordering caipirinha. English bartender looks like he wants to punch me. Realize that feeble efforts have gone unnoticed.
1:40 p.m.: Work. Thoughts of a former colleague give me raging erection. Better close my office door.
3:18 p.m.: I am thinking about how, despite the clusterf*ck that was my marriage, my reward is the exquisite pleasure of first kisses and, to quote Chris Rock, "new p*ssy". Seriously, what is better?
11:11 p.m.: Friend and I head to a bar with a U2 cover band. We meet two women. One of them tells us that they would be happy to hit another bar after the show, but only if they can't get the drummer and bass player to go home with them. C*ckblocked by a cover band! Impressed by their candor.
12:15 a.m.: Band ends its set. Friend and I plot to follow bandmates into bathroom and offer to trade the girls for beer.
12:27 a.m.: In the men's room the drummer tells me he is married but wants to see the girls before he agrees.
12:30 a.m.: He sees the girls and says no deal.
12:35 a.m.: As we leave, I whisper "he's married" to the girl chatting with the drummer. Being cheated on has made me reasonably honorable.
DAY THREE
1 p.m.: At a baby shower and realize how hot pregnant women can be.
1:05 p.m.: Notice the number of single women secretly hating the mom-to-be.
1:06 p.m.: Plot to "console" one of them at brunch after the baby shower.
2:25 p.m.: Drinking caipirinha at my absolute favorite brunch spot with a group from the shower, at a French-Brazilian bistro in Soho. This is going well, particularly with a 26-year-old actress.
3:03 p.m.: A French waiter who has waited on me a million times, but was traveling for most of the last year, stops at the table and says, "Remind me, which one of these beautiful girls in your wife?"
3:05 p.m.: Indescribably awkward and painful attempt to explain to girls that I am separated and only technically married under New York's arcane divorce laws. Confused French waiter utters the word "wife" 60 times, all in the certain French way.
3:06 p.m.: Friend is nearly rolling on the floor laughing.
4:20 p.m.: We leave holding hands anyway. At her place, making out and grinding against on her couch. She takes a breath and asks if I want a beer. Would prefer a blow job but take the beer.
6:30 p.m.: Not sure how to end mid-Sunday make-out session. I need to masturbate.
7:22 p.m.: Home. Old faithful does the trick.
10:24 p.m.: Text her, "You are amazing."
DAY FOUR
6:55 a.m.: Board flight to London
8:07 a.m.: Go to bathroom and renew my Solo Mile High Club membership.
DAY FIVE
7:30 p.m.: Land on return from London. Text Rebound Girl. As requested, she is waiting for me at my apartment.
7:31 p.m.: Text my sweet, worrying mom "Just landed. I love you.."
7:33 p.m.: Text actress: "Dinner Thursday?"
8:45 p.m.: Through Immigration and Customs.
9:35 p.m.: In shower. Rebound Girl climbs in and washes my tired bones. Then face-down on bed getting a great massage from loving and awesome woman.
9:59 p.m.: Rebound Girl rolls me over and begins to make me happy.
10:03 p.m.: Very, very happy. Rebound Girl beams with pride.
DAY SIX
6:15 a.m.: Alarm goes off. Rebound Girl is gone.
6:35 a.m.: After two snoozes, get out of bed. See note on my wallet. "I took $80 and £60!" I wonder if I somehow committed a crime.
8:14 a.m.: Text "Can I have a receipt?" to Rebound Girl
6:45 p.m.: Home from work early. Need sleep.
6:51 p.m.: On my way toward Old Reliable, stop on Yahoo to check non-work (i.e. this is where all the porn goes) e-mail.
6:57 p.m.: Am watching something called "Four Girls Finger Paint". [Ed. note: Readers, do not watch this.]
6:58 p.m.: What the f**********************ck!
7:02 p.m.: Somehow I have not had enough. Clink another link and watch "Four Girls Finger Paint Reaction Video".
7:04 p.m.: Just watched a 14-year old-vomit. No way will I get an erection tonight. Sometimes porn goes so wrong.
DAY SEVEN
12:15 p.m.: Text actress and confirm dinner for tonight. Make a note to take flowers.
2:36 p.m.: Walk into office. My too-old-for-me-but-wonderful assistant spots me and the flowers. The look on her face is so sweet and hopeful. I tell her "These are for you." She beams.
4 p.m.: Spend an hour talking about sex and relationships and who I am shagging with my lovely, sexiest-woman-over-50-I-ever-met therapist.
6:11 p.m.: Buy another dozen flowers.
8:34 p.m.: Am seated across from actress but move over to her side of the table. She smells great. Waiter who knows me brings my regular drink: vodka, diet coke.
9:30 p.m.: Move to bar. Bartender looks at actress and contemplates whether she is Rebound Girl. Actress asks how I know I’m ready to date post marital catastrophe. Bartender says, “I think he’s ready. I see it in how he looks at you.” This guy is getting a massive, massive tip.
11:04 p.m.: Reach her place. She kisses me, just about perfectly, and tells me she would invite me up, but she wants to be the thing that I think of first thing in the morning, but not because she’s lying next to me.
11:30 p.m.: Home from a great date with a great woman. My life is no way like I expected, but it’s not half bad. Time for Old Reliable.
TOTALS: One act of intercourse; two acts of fellatio, one of which involved an exchange of cash; one act of cunnilingus; three acts of masturbation; one act of intercourse botched by unfortunately non-arousing choice of porn; one erection at work; one Sunday make-out section.
Harring at Friday's screening of The Caller.Photo: Getty Images
Harring added that she's waiting to hear who will play her fantasy-sequence lover in the film she's currently working on, Bitter Grapes. "I play a very suppressed women, she's been very abused. And the only way she can cope with an abusive husband and children that are mean and out of control is by escaping into a fantasy world." Things turned dangerous when we asked Harring who she wanted to play the role. "Unfortunately I don't have a lot of say, or I'd cast you. Are you an actor?" Yes, we said. Yes, we are. —Darrell Hartman
See New York's complete coverage of the Tribeca Film Festival here!
Anna wants a cape, people!Photo: Getty Images
Anna Wintour thinks you'd better go large with the "superhero" theme of next Monday's Metropolitan Museum Costume Institute Gala if you want to see yourself in Vogue. "People tend to play it safe, but Anna likes anyone who makes an effort," says an insider. "Bolder looks really make the party, and they make it into the magazine."
Recall that Vera Wang, who's dressing several ladies for the party, said though she offered, no one went for superhero looks. We're not sure why everyone's so scared to give up their frilly frocks, since it's not like anyone actually has to don a cape to keep with the theme (though there's no telling what André Leon Talley will sashay down the red carpet in). But this explains why Wintour hand-picks people to dress, like Emmy Rossum. She can ensure her table is Wonder Womaned–out and have the Vogue party page she wants. So, Emmy, how's that red and gold bustier treating you?
New York Minute [NYDN]
Related: Met-Gala Dish From Vera Wang, Maria Sharapova, and Richie Rich
Emmy Rossum Schools Leighton Meester on the Costume Institute Gala
You know this guy.Photo illustration: Everett Bogue; Photo: Getty Images
AN INTERIOR MONOLOGUE
Man, I'm running late to work today, huh? Good thing my boss doesn't really care. He's always out in back yammering on the phone. I'm going to take a minute to enjoy this walk to the subway.
Hey, I wonder what pigeons do when they're alone?
Ew, look at those people hanging onto the railings as they go down the stairs into the subway. I would never touch those things — they are probably covered in boogers and poops. No, the middle of the staircase is the place to be. Except, damn with all this pushing and shoving I have to go slowly 'cause I don't want to fall, and I have no railing to hang on to. Take it easy, people! It's not my fault you work at a shitty job where your boss is going to yell at you for being late. Shoulda got up earlier.
Man, that chick is hot. Did you clean your panties with Windex, baby? Because I swear I can see myself in them!
Oh, fuck, hold on — where's my MetroCard? I thought it was in this pocket of my bag. Maybe it's in that one? Ooh, Life Savers! Oh, there we go. Swipe! Wait, no. Swipe! Damn, "Swipe again at this turnstile?" Yeah, right. This one's fucked up! I'll use the next one. What? Just used? It didn't let me through. Damn. Gotta go talk to that lady. Man, people, out of the way! I'm trying to get back outta here.
Ugh, that was annoying. Ooh! I love this R. Kelly song. Thank God it's on my On-the-Go playlist three times. I gotta tune out all this crazy around me.
Ha-ha, look, someone drew a penis in the mouth of that guy in the advertisement on the wall. He looks gay now! People are geniuses.
Here comes the train. Nice, people are making a space right in front of the door. Perfect! Insert: me, front and center. Suckers!
Damn, there's a lot of pushing today. Hey, don't get mad at me pushing you back, you're trying to knock me over! Where's that new Mariah song? I got to blast that one stat.
Nice, got a spot to stand on the other side of the subway car right by the door. I'm putting this song on repeat. That's right. Touch my body, baby.
Wait, I can lose 30 pounds in 30 days? I should write that number down.
Oh, shit, this is the door that opens at the next stop. I'm gonna get squished into the door as everyone pushes past me. Single file, people! You're gonna push me off the train! I am staying on this train!!
Hell. That bitch almost knocked my bag off me. You think you're all that, lady, but you look like the fat woman from the Pine Sol ads!
Oh, a whole row of seats just opened up. And I'm down! I can finally spread my legs and get this bag off my shoulder. Perfect. Nobody better try and squeeze in next to me, cause I am not in the mood today. I'm not pinching my balls so some fat chick can rest half a cheek on me.
What are you looking at, fag? Jesus, eyes to yourself.
Look at all these people reading. What the hell is that? You can't listen to your music if you're reading.
Finally, my stop. I hate the line to go out of this station. It's always so nuts. What a pain in my dick. Oh, look, no one is standing on the right side of the escalator. That's where I'm going. There's so much more room here!
"I don't mind spending ev-e-ry day, out on your corner in the pouring rain…"
See, now that I started the trend, there are all kinds of people standing on the right side of the escalator behind me, too. I don't know why it's always me who figures this shit out. Sometimes I worry about this city.
Finally, up in the air again. I hate those last stairs coming out, it's always so tight with people. Wait, should I go to Rite-Aid before I get to work? I want a Snickers. But I'm kinda late. But if I got a Snickers, I could also get a Mountain Dew for the morning. Damn, I don't know — hey asshole, don't shove me! God, I hate jerks like that. Gimme a minute to think about what I'm doing, okay? I just got out of the subway!
Mmm. Snickers it is. What can I say? They really satisfy me.
End of Interior Monologue
There, a mile (albeit underground) in his shoes. Can we go back to judging him, please?
Courtesy of Universal Pictures
By far, though, the most common route was the "delivery" joke. "'Baby Mama' Delivers!" "'Baby Mama' Delivers Top Spot!" "Women Deliver!" The lesson here? If you're going to make a movie about childbearing, it's important that it play well and open strong, because puns about deliveries gone awry are no one's friend — as the Visalia (CA) Times-Delta learned when it horrifyingly headlined its negative review "Comedy 'Baby Mama' A Cinematic Miscarriage." —Linda Holmes
Fall '08 looks, from left, Michael Kors, Carmen Marc Valvo, and Betsey Johnson.Photo: imaxtree
Eyewear boutique Robert Marc, with eight stores in Manhattan and one in Boston, says that in the past two years, it has seen a fivefold increase in requests for glasses from people who don't actually need them to see.Luxottica Group SpA, owner of more than 6,000 eyewear stores world-wide, including LensCrafters and Pearle Vision stores, says U.S. store managers have reported steady increases in sales like these. Buyers are quite frank about not needing a prescription, particularly in cities like New York and Los Angeles and mainly among artists, architects and other creative types.
You can also get frames at American Apparel for use with or without a prescription. Over the past three years its ratio of sunglasses-to-glasses stock has gone from 90/10 to 60/40. Glasses were also hot on the runways during Fashion Week, as you see above. So men are the new women, women are the new men, and geek is chic. Embrace it.
Life After Lasik: A Clear-Eyed Urge To Wear Glasses [WSJ]
Here’s an anti-smoking PSA for you. A woman smoking a cigarette out of a window in midtown at 4 a.m. on Saturday lost her balance and fell four stories. But here’s the thing: She survived! The 34-year-old woman is listed in stable condition at St. Vincent's Hospital. The New York Daily News reports:
FDNY officials said the woman fell into a narrow alleyway between two buildings and was conscious when emergency medical technicians arrived. "She was apologizing to the EMTs," said witness Eric Nicastro, 27. "It's unbelievable to fall four floors and be about as good as you could be."
No worries, lady! You may now return to your regularly scheduled cigarette break (but, no, you can't bum one). Of course not everyone is so lucky. Now we pause to remember one window smoker who didn’t make it. Lexi Featherstone from the Sex and the City episode “Splat!,” who fell out a window after Candice Bergen refused to let her light up in her apartment. “When did everybody stop smoking?” Lexi demanded. “This used to be the most exciting city in the world, and now it’s nothing but smoking near a fucking open window!" It's true. Smoking rates are falling all over the city as well and have declined by 20 percent since 2002. However, 18 percent of New Yorkers are still lighting up. Our lucky Lady of the Tar is like a living metaphor for the city’s smoking rates. She’s down, but she’s not out. —Noelle Hancock
Woman falls four stories from midtown building – but lives [NYDN via Gothamist]
MEDIA
• Is Miley Cyrus's Vanity Fair spread going to ruin her Disney franchise? [NYT]
• Over at Elle, Nina Garcia's old assistants have been promoted to market editor and fashion bookings editor. [WWD]
• Wall Street Journal publisher Robert Thompson is a "mystery man." [NYT]
FINANCE
• Bear Stearns board member Alan Greenberg is going to distribute $360,000 among the bank's mailroom and clerical employees. [DealBook/NYT]
• Ben Stein wonders how Wall Street got itself into such a mess. [NYT]
• In light of the housing crisis that cost Citi $40 billion, Robert Rubin, who has a reputation for being a "master or the markets," might be stepping down from the firm. [NYT]
LAW
• The Sean Bell verdict proves that trial by jury is not always the best option since emotions can get involved in decision-making. [NYT]
• Bivona & Cohen has filed a countersuit against a secretary who is suing the New York firm for $9 million, alleging rape and sexual-harassment charges. The firm is claiming that the secretary gave her boss a consensual lap dance prior to any other … er … activities. [Law.com]
REAL ESTATE
• Kevin Spacey cut the price on his Tribeca duplex to $4.67 million. [NYP]
• Blackstone makes its first entrée into Indian real estate. [FT]
• The latest revamped section of the Hudson River Park is set to open next month just in time for prime tanning season. [NYP]
Rar!Photo: FilmMagic, Getty Images
"Definitely Heidi and I come from two different places," Iman tells the World Entertainment News Network. "I'm not belittling Heidi Klum, but I have been in fashion much more than she has. Not to toot my own horn, but I have been one of the best runway girls."She adds: "I know clothes, and I know about working hand in hand with designers — I mean, I've worked with Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, John Galliano. Yves St. Laurent — he created a whole collection for me. Tom Ford, Valentino. Versace. Jean Paul Gaultier. Thierry Mugler … I could go on and on."
Oh, snap! But it's true. When we bumped into Klum at a party for the Marc Jacobs documentary the day before Fashion Week, we asked her if she'd ever return to the runway. She quickly corrected us and said if she walked, it wouldn't be a "return." "I'm not really a runway model," she told us. It's not often we're jealous of Canada, but in this context we can't help but look at Klum and feel a bit green.
IMAN TOOTS [British Vogue]
Photo: Tema Stauffer
The two sides are scheduled to meet again today, when Bloomingdale's "will begin to take the first steps of management's plan to keep the store running," [a] spokesman said, adding that the flagship would be staffed by buyers, merchandisers and others if necessary. While the talks resume, "we're still talking about contingency plans," he noted.
Hear that? Buyers may staff the store. On the one hand, they may know a bit more about the product they're selling, which could be fun for shoppers, but we foresee no way they'll efficiently operate the cash wrap. So if you actually need to purchase things at the good Bloomingdale's, do yourself a favor and take a long lunch between now and Wednesday.
The Economic Squeeze: Bloomingdale’s, Union In Talks Over Contract [WWD]
Earlier: Breaking: Strike Threatens to Shut Down Bloomingdale's
This could be yours for many
thousands of dollars.Photo: Vogue.co.uk
• Elle still hasn't named a replacement for Nina Garcia, though a bunch of staffers have been promoted and three have left. [WWD]
• Louis Vuitton has indefinitely postponed its "China Run" car rally scheduled for late May after anti-French sentiments emerged in the country in response to France's support for the Dalai Lama. Oy. [WWD]
• Yohji Yamamoto staged a fashion show in Beijing's Forbidden City late last week to a positive reception. He launched a charity to help bring young Chinese fashion designers to Europe to study in an effort to improve Chinese-Japanese relations. Fashion is such a lovely bridge. [WWD]
• Giorgio Armani will bringing TomKat to the Met Costume Institute gala in one week. And the countdown begins. [WWD]
• Graydon Carter wants to revamp Vanity Fair's Website to include more coverage of dinners at the Waverly Inn and what people wear to them. Perhaps kind of like we did that one time. (Yes, our horn: tooted.) [WWD]
• In case you haven't yet made it to southern France for the Hyeres fashion and photography festival, here are some images of what's on display. It looks worth weathering the exchange rate. [Style Bubble]
• A "shopzilla" is someone who's buying fall clothes now. Ooooooh, scary. We're just shaking in next season's booties. [Times UK]
• Men have discovered online shopping. And they love it! [Independent]
• Pashmina scarves are back. They add grunge appeal, you see. [Times UK]
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