At risk: Daredevils, fictional characters
Case 2: A man who explained on YouTube how to tie a hangman's noose has been accused of inciting suicide. A few days after the news reported it, someone else posted instructions (though this user has posted plenty of other knot-tying videos, and who could hang themselves with the festive purple and yellow rope he uses?).
Case 3: Of course fictional characters die often and violently: Lonelygirl15, Harry Potter, and the radio star.
At risk: The lonely
Case 1: Remarkably, no charges were filed in the case of the family who carried on a hoax relationship with 13-year-old depression sufferer Megan Meier over MySpace, then "broke up" with her and thus driving her to suicide. But this is only our first glimpse at two themes of Internet-caused deaths: Tragic romance and preying on the lonely.
Case 2: In this case, MySpace technically saved lives. Cops investigated a 12-year-old boy's MySpace death list, warned everyone who was on it, and searched his home. They didn't find weapons and he said he was just fooling around, so he was just charged with juvenile delinquency. Other death threat cases include a dog and another empty threat against high school students. But just to be safe I make my little sister keep a Google alert on her name, cause she''d be the first to go if some trenchcoated freak started shooting up the cool kids in her school.
Case 3: Of course while stupid people may reveal their murder plans on MySpace, they may be inspired by the site too. Heather Kane saw another girl on her boyfriend's profile and hired a hitman to kill her. Good thing she bumped into an undercover cop instead.
At risk: Anyone who pisses off a muslim
Case 1: A Saudi Arabian father beat and shot his daughter earlier this year for chatting on Facebook. A preacher in the Islamic country called the site a "door to lust;" many Saudi women use aliases on the site and post drawings instead of photos. But there are still plenty of photos of hookups in the Facebook group "Single and Looking in Saudi Arabia."
At risk: Viewers of extreme or illegal porn and the people who know them
Case 1: It's hard to feel too sorry for those who kill themselves after they're implicated in child porn rings, like these four suicides in 1998 and these six in 2004.
Case 2: Porn doesn't only kill the depraved. The story of Jane Longhurst, an English woman killed by "a man obsessed with violent sexual pornography," was tragic enough to encourage many UK lawmakers to ban extreme porn.
At risk: The terribly gullible
Case 1: Spammers and scammers can easily take your money if you're dumb enough to give them your passwords and financial info. But some Nigerian scams go far beyond online fraud; many scammers lure their victims to Nigeria to continue paying money in person; fifteen victims were killed after they got suspicious.
At risk: Those already at risk of dying
Case 1: There's a trick to making listicles like this: Put the weakest item in the middle. Unfortunately the New York Times spent an entire trend piece on the bogus idea of "death by blogging." But Gizmodo editor Brian Lam tells me, "Only bogus to lazy bloggers. I did 75 hours this week and anyone over fifty would die doing that."
At risk: The already dead
Case 1: Seung-Hui Cho bought empty clips and holsters on Ebay before his Virginia Tech rampage. He got his guns and ammo elsewhere, though Ebay notes that the sale of ammunition on Ebay is legal.
Case 2: Ebay's death profits tend to come from the memorabilia. Celebrity deaths bring predictable results, like sales of Pope tchotchkes and autographed Heath Ledger posters. But Ebay has also hosted auctions for supposed Columbia shuttle pieces, video of insurgents shooting down planes in Iraq, the car used in a murder, and O.J. Simpson's book.
At risk: Druggies
Case 1: Internet drug sales are ridiculously easy (see "spam" above), so easy that every decent men's magazine did an "I ordered Viagra off the Internet" story by 2005. But that means irresponsible doctors can prescribe dangerous drugs, such as this 2002 case of deadly drugs sold online, or this case of a doctor whose patients sometimes became addicted or were hospitalized, or a 2007 case where a 57-year-old Canadian woman died after taking an illegal sedative she ordered online.
At risk: Suicides
Case 1: Webcam suicide is one of the darkest modern phenomena, an example of loneliness and despair in a supposed age of connection and hope. Those who have fallen that far and recovered may want to forget it ever happened. Webcammer Stacy Pershall has long insisted that despite reports, she did not try to kill herself on camera in 2001 by overdosing on pills but merely took some Advil "to get a few hours sleep" — on her bathroom floor.
Case 2: While Pershall's viewers worried about her and called the cops to save her, those watching Brandon Vedas in 2003 egged him on. He OD'd on five drugs and died a room away from his unsuspecting mother.
Case 3: A father named Kevin Whitrick hanged himself after the apparent encouragement of people watching his webcam; viewers later said they thought it was a joke, and indeed they'd acted worried after seeing him die. After all, he was in an insult chat room, which brings us to another cause of death:
At risk: Hopeless romantics
Case 1: A man rejected in real life by his chat room lover in 1999 cut his own head off with a chainsaw in her front yard. Enough said.
Case 2: Plenty of innocents have been killed by online predators like the man who killed an altar girl, the Texas A&M killer, and this guy in a rural North Carolina trailer.
At risk: 10 million players, particularly the already crazy ones
Case 1: World of Warcraft addiction may not necessarily be deadly for the player, but it can be hell on their family life. Of course, Kim Trenor was probably crazy long before she moved cross-country with her 2-year-old to see a guy she met on the game, and definitely before she and Royce Zeigler beat "Baby Grace" to death. But if it weren't for that damned game she never would have met the allegedly abusive Zeigler.
Case 2: WoW isn't the first game to drive addicts mad. At least one Everquest player allegedly shot herself after getting hooked on the game.
Case 3: And of course any time you put a beautiful bit of fantasy in the world, some kid will try to imitate it. Happened with Superman, happened with WoW when a Chinese boy jumped off a 24-story building. His parents sued game maker Blizzard saying he was imitating the game, in which some players like to platform-jump, an activity totally unrelated to actually playing. Again, totally not WoW's fault, but something had to convince that boy he could leap off a tower.
The cable and satellite companies that would have to carry the new channel aren't convinced the world needs another movie service, according to executives at several companies. Even Comcast Corp., which owns 20% of MGM, has little interest in carrying a new movie channel, according to a person close to that company.
"Movies are not as much a part of the mix" with the growth of video-on-demand, says Michael Willner, chief executive of Insight Communications, a cable operator primarily in the Midwest. "If they are just another outlet for movies they will have a tough go."
I have never met her. She doesn’t know me or any of my friends. But I know who she is.
I’ve known for quite some time now, and I was hoping general decency would - at some point - take over. Um … not so much. I’ve asked her politely to stop. She hasn’t.
...people should be accountable for what they write. I’m tired of it.
Should I reveal her?
What do you think?
What DO you think? This is a very important question.
This is, of course, the mediocrity-celebrating, "I-just-want-a-president-I-could-have-a-beer-with" attitude that got Bush elected eight years ago and that voters were supposed to be totally over.
For once, Naomi Campbell wasn't the biggest diva in the room.
And for that she can thank the season opening gala of the Metropolitan Opera, which we have to imagine had to be simply...
This trip to the hospital had David Hasselhoff in stitches.
The former Baywatch star checked into UCLA Medical Center Saturday to get patched up after a surgical wound above his eye...
Kanye West is no longer making sweet music with Alexis Phifer, his fiancée of a year and a half.
The breakup—attributed to the rapper's busy schedule as he preps for his...
Her stress is palpable.Photo: Getty Images
1. She doesn't have time to wash her face after going to fancy parties, and sometimes her underwear shows.
Even this morning, straight off the redeye from New York and still wearing yesterday’s make-up (“Estée Lauder party, I’m afraid to say”), she manages to look like a hot head girl in a bomber jacket, a stripy top, sky-high Dolce & Gabbana snakeskin sandals and tight jeans that more than once fetchingly reveal a flash of lacy turquoise thong.
2. She has a hard time getting a proper skim cappuccino.
“Well, actually, I’m pretty scruffy today,” she says with a shrug, pushing back a lock of hair and ordering a nonfat cappuccino (“Make sure they get it right — you have to tell them about five times”).
3. She has so many white jeans it must be really hard to decide which ones to wear.
“I own tons of them” – she has, in the past, confessed to 30 white pairs alone — “I mean, tons. I’m happiest in jeans and a T-shirt, unless I’ve put on a bit of weight, then I’ll go to dresses immediately. I’m not really as stylish as I should be.”
4. She has so many bikinis it must be really hard to decide which ones to wear. Also, her accent must really annoy her deep down inside.
“I’ve got thousands,” she says. “Obviouslah. Although, whenever I go on holiday, I never seem to have any.”
5. She has to fit her Mango bikinis on poor, nearly nude models, which makes her really uncomfortable.
"I was so embarrassed: in walked the 6ft model in a nude thong, so poor Arun was like … whoosh, bloody hell! And then you have to fit the bikini, which means” — she stands up — “you’re probably on your knees and you’re pinning the crotch, fitting the crotch, saying, ‘Shall we do that? This? A bit more coverage on the bottom?’ I was so embarrassed, touching this girl.
6. She has to go to metaphorical hell more often than she'd like. Also see No. 4 re: her accent.
“Shooting bikinis is now my life, which, as you can imagine, is unmitigated hell,” she says, in her golly-gosh diction, which is peppered with words like “unpleasant-making” and “jolly”. “I can’t think of anything worse in the world than another bikini shoot – and I’ve got two next month. It’s unbearable, and I bring it all on myself. I’ve got nobody else to blame. It’s literallah torture. If you get a photographer you don’t know, of course, you think, ‘Oh God.’ But if you signed on for the gig, sadly, you have to go and be jolly in a skimpy white bikini.”
7. She's over 40, so her body's changed, but she still eats a lot.
“The biggest change at 40 is that you can’t stay vah slim with yoga, Pilates or stretching alone,” she says. “Previously, I didn’t do much more – if that. Over 40, you have to do something aerobic, unless you don’t eat much, but I eat lots.”
Perhaps Miley Cyrus was just looking for something to cover up with.
After some peek-a-boo pics of the squeaky-clean 15-year-old—playfully showing a bit of a bright green...
Photo: Courtesy of Johnson and Johnson's
Johnson’s Baby Cologne has a gentle, fresh fragrance with a pleasant combination of floral and citrus hints. It leaves your baby smelling clean and fresh. This clinically proven mild formula is alcohol free, making it just right for your baby's delicate skin.
According to Spoiled Pretty, it smells terrible. But isn't cologne meant to be smelled up close, which would mean that really only the people who are holding the baby would be able to smell it, which should be parents, with the rare exception? We don't know a lot about parenting or anything, but if parents think their baby smells so bad they need cologne, well, that just doesn't sound like a warm, nurturing relationship that leads to happy 12-year-olds. We wonder if things like this are why 8-year-olds go on diets these days.
Johnson's Baby Cologne [Spoiled Pretty]
Remember all that hubbub last summer over the ads in Times Square with naked people's butts on them? Well, we kind of wish the company behind the ads, Toto, had picked an ad more like the above one for their advanced Japanese bidet system. Because not only would the vibrant colors of the commercial fit right in with the blinding lights and hues of Times Square, but the actual ad content is appropriately riveting, confusing, and giddy. Take the 25th second of the above video, for example. Can anybody tell us exactly what is going on? What specific bathroom scenario is being acted out, precisely?
To replace the other song you had stuck in your head [Dooce.com]
Earlier: Doing the Butt
Racism. Immigration. Psychedelic fungi. The boys from Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay take on some serious issues in the stoner sequel. Click the video to get our E! News interviews...
Courtesy of ABC
Sometimes it's really hard to be so far ahead of the curve. Ah, what could have been…
The Genius of Gossip Girl [NYM]
Photo illustration: Everett Bogue; Photos: Getty Images, istockphoto (kneeling man)
Parts of this dialogue have been changed, for dramatic effect. Mostly toward the end.
Reuters: Hi Rudy Giuliani. Did you take Communion from a priest?
Rudy: Yes.
Reuters: Are you uncomfortable with having broken the Church ban on the divorced and remarried taking Communion?
Rudy: No.
Reuters: The Church does not recognize divorce and teaches that divorced Catholics are still married to their earlier partner unless the Church grants them an annulment, or ruling that the initial marriage was invalid. You suh are a sinnah! Sinnah! You shall be salted with fire!
Rudy: Whatevs.
Reuters: Holy shit, there's Bloomberg! A Jew! Sinnah! Sinnah! Sinnah!
Giuliani breaks rules by having Communion at papal mass [Reuters]
The Slave Leias gather on Saturday.Photo: Chris O'Connor
The gathering was organized by Jamin, the self-described "Slavemaster" of Leia's Metal Bikini, a site dedicated to female Star Wars fans who make and model their own handmade versions of that golden, barely-there bikini. But even before the group photo, the power of Slave Leia was obvious, as each "Slave Lady" sauntering through the exhibition hall was stopped every few feet by packs of fanboys anxious to snap a photo (and maybe get a hug) with their dream Leia. What's more, the Slave Leias are a fan phenomenon, with gatherings and photo shoots scheduled for nearly every major fan convention this year.
While we'd really love to see our Leias a bit more empowered in fan culture (read: clothed, and perhaps wielding a laser gun), it's impossible to deny that when George Lucas had Carrie Fisher don her metal bikini after two films full of chaste costume changes, he created an image of female sexuality that has forever emblazoned itself on fans' imaginations. So it's no surprise that in the Nerdy Gras world of Comic-Con, these Slave Leias were the resident fangirls gone wild. —Tammy Oler
Leia's Metal Bikini [Official site]
Earlier: Chewbacca Was Not the Original Wingman
Ali Larter almost shows her facialed butt.Photo: Getty Images
• According to a recent study, an herbal remedy of Japanese honeysuckle, peppermint, peony-tree root bark, atractylodes herb, and cork-tree bark is an effective way to treat eczema. Not sure you could whip it up in your kitchen, but at least it's all-natural. [Beauty Brains]
NAILS
• In honor of its L.A. boutique opening in May, Chanel will release four limited-edition ultrabright nail colors and give them names straight from la-la land, like "Rodeo Drive" (that's for the bright-purple shade, but how could you not know that?). Purchase them online in starting in June. [Kiss and Makeup]
MAKEUP
• Long-wear gel eyeliner from Bobbi Brown comes in a pot for $19 and is really, really awesome. As with M.A.C eye shadow, a teeny bit goes a long way. [Eyeshadow Cult]
• Cargo's new multi-mix bronzer comes in only one shade, which Cargo claims flatters all skin tones. Clearly they don't know how pale winter made some of us. [Makeup Moxie]
Photo: Getty Images
2. The Instruments feat. Jeff Mangum, "Ode to the Sea"
Heather MacIntosh plays bass and cello, is in Gnarls Barkley's touring band, and fronts her own group, the Instruments. But her biggest accomplishment might be dragging Neutral Milk Hotel's reclusive front man in front of a microphone for this track. [Pitchfork]
3. Hot Chip, "Nothing Compares 2 U" (Prince cover) and "In the Privacy of Our Love"
Hot Chip make an appearance on Minnesota Public Radio on Friday and show a little Twin Cities love by prefacing one of their own songs with another by Minneapolis' best musical export. [Music Slut]
4. Jennifer Lopez, "Want U 2 B Mine" (Glass Fire Island mix)
Rumor has it that NYC duo the Glass remixed this song for a club promoter in exchange for a bag of drugs. Surely this is further evidence of the weakness of the U.S. dollar. [Discobelle]
5. Lyrics Born, "Whispers"
Lyrics Born's new album ends with this song, a touchingly confessional story about dealing with the sudden death of his best friend. [Anyone's Guess] —Ehren Gresehover
Joba, seeing what's a comin'.Photo: Getty Images
“The mistake was already made last year switching him to the bullpen out of panic or whatever,” Steinbrenner said. “I had no say in it last year and I wouldn’t have allowed it. That was done last year, so now we have to catch up. It has to be done on a schedule so we don’t rush him.”
Of course, Hank’s version is more than a little revisionist. First of all, despite Joba’s meteoric rise through the minor-league system, Hank (or anyone else, for that matter) couldn’t have envisioned that he’d be quite this good. And even if he did, Hank surely had enough pull last year to at least raise an objection, even if it would have been ignored. As for its being a panic move, by the time Joba made his debut, the Yankees had already made up much of the ground in the standings and were just a half-game out of the wild card. (Contrast that to signing a 44-year-old Roger Clemens in May when they owned the fourth-worst record in the American League.)
But more important, the promotion of Joba to the major-league bullpen — a perennial weakness for the Yankees — was universally heralded in large part because it was the company line at the time that he’d be a starter this season anyway. It was only this spring — when Hank was in charge — that it was decided that he’d stay in the bullpen, at least to start the season.
As for what suddenly set Hank off this time, could it be that Joba gave up his first run of the season yesterday, raising his ERA to (gasp!) 1.42? If so, talk about a panic move. —Joe DeLessio
New Boss Wants to See Chamberlain Start (Now) [NYT]
Earlier: Hank Steinbrenner Talks Himself, Twins Into a Tizzy
Hank Steinbrenner's Greatest Hits
Is Hank Steinbrenner Trying to Make a Name for Himself?
Photo: Getty Images
Apparently, Lange spent much of that latter part of last week fielding concerned calls from everyone from Mel Karmazin to David Spade to Jimmy Kimmel. (Spade even offered to let Lange crash at his house for awhile, though as Stern pointed out, "Staying at David Spade's house may not be the best thing.") He's realized that the Stern show is his "family," leaving fans to wager on when the next outburst will come. One caller asked Howard, "Why does he get chance after chance after chance?," which Stern neglected to answer.
As for Teddy, the beleaguered assistant and water-bottle target in question, he's apparently still in Lange's employ, and Lange called him "a good kid." Which will, one suspects, stave off the lawsuit, at least for now. —Adam Sternbergh
Earlier: How Would You Like to Be Artie Lange's New Assistant?
Will Artie Lange Be Back on ‘Howard Stern’ Monday?
Two of Kate's four May Spanish Vogue coversPhoto: The Fashion Spot
Los otros.Photo:
From left, British Vogue's twin covers from April 2007 and four for its French cousin in December 2005.
Three of the whopping nine W covers Moss graced September 2003.
Are we forgetting any other instances of same-month multiple-hit covers from Her Kateness? Let us know in the comments! —Kendall Herbst
Courtesy of ABC
Anyway, we're really excited about the return of Lost, and reading Entertainment Weekly's big feature on the show only made things worse. Apparently the momentous final scene of this year's season finale is code-named "Frozen Donkey Wheel," which means a million busy bees on the Internet are already trying to decode that particular puzzle. Our favorite guess: "Frozen Donkey Wheel" = "Cold-Ass Circle" = the finale takes place at the Arctic Circle! Maybe! Probably not! Just happen already!
'Lost' returns with a strong Emmy eppy contender [Gold Derby/LAT]
'Lost': Secrets from the Set! [EW]
Photo: Gowanus Lounge
Upper East Side: The Mets pay Johan Santana about $23 million a year, but reportedly, he's shelling out just a bit more than $3 mil for a lower-floor three-bedroom in a new building on East End. [NYP]
Willets Point: The bitter battle over this chunk of land near the Mets stadium officially begins today, as the city launches its quest for approval of a major redo here amid opposition from half of Queens' City Council delegation. [Crain's NY]
West Village: Folks who live near Washington and Perry aren't psyched about a curvy boutique hotel to be built on the corner, even though it's a story shorter than originally planned and it'll replace some ugly buildings. [NYT via Curbed]
Marion Cotillard and Keira Knightley at the BAFTA Awards.Photo: Getty Images
Sounds cryptic, doesn't it? That's because it is. What the Independent doesn't explain is the real key to the embodying the French style sensibility is being French. When it comes to judging outfits, being French gives one a license to wear something avant-garde. For example, Marion Cotillard got some flack for her fish-scale Oscar dress, but no one really dwelled on how much they disliked it because at the end of the night she's the token French girl, she brought her avant-garde style — and sexy accent! — with her, and that's the end of the story. If, say, Cameron Diaz wore Cotillard's Oscar or BAFTA dress, the resounding sentiments would probably be "Crazy Cameron thinks she's a fish tonight!" or "Looks like she's about to fly away to Planet Cameron!" Avant-garde style just doesn't fly in the country that created Pabst Blue Ribbon.
That 'je ne sais quoi': How French actresses trounce everyone in the style stakes [Independent]
Alfort's LILLIPUT (Installation View) (2008)Courtesy of gallery hanahou
There's something uniquely attractive about these women, isn't there?Photo: Jed Egan
Religion was a theme: Buddy Cole explored whether Jesus was gay (“He was Jewish, so he was already half-gay”), Bruce McCullough’s Gavin character talked to a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses (“Religion is for stupid people. It gives them something to do between scratching lotto tickets”), and Dave Foley used a time machine to travel to Germany, where he accidentally gave a young art student named Adolf Hitler the idea for hating the Jews. (As promised, Foley’s Satanic manservant Hecubus did not appear.) When the Kids in the Hall last toured six years ago, they re-created several sketches from their TV show verbatim. But this time it was virtually all new material — which makes us all the more excited for the mere possibility that it’s just a warm-up for that new TV project. —Joe DeLessio
Photo: Getty Images
• On Beauty: "I don't know what it is about me, um, probably that I am not quite as beautiful as Chace."
• On Gossip Girl's Faults: "The Gossip Girl idea and ideologies, like, they sort of encourage this certain kind of like materialism and superficiality that isn't, I would say, the best thing in the world."
• On His Male Fans: "A lot of times he'll come up, you know, and it will just be a guy. And he'll be like, 'Yeah, dude, my wife loves the show. She'd be so excited if she knew I met you.' And it's always like, through his wife. And then a lot of times, as the night goes on, he'll have a couple more drinks in him, he'll be like, 'Dude, you know what? I love the show too! I really do! I love it so much! Dude, I cannot believe…' and he goes on about the story lines…"
• On Female Fans: "[One day] I couldn't find the Met, as odd as that sounds, I was walking around like 80th in Madison just in like regular clothing a hat and a scarf, and all of a sudden I hear [high-pitched chirping voice], 'Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!' And all of a sudden I see a couple of schoolgirls. Literally, like, schoolgirls in like plaid skirts and collared shirts, and I was like, 'Oh, hiii.' … It was like sonar, 'Dan! Dan! Dan!' and then all of a sudden there were like 50 of them all wearing the plaid skirts. They came out from all these places. And they're all screaming, 'Dan!' and there was just this glaze over their eyes. They looked like a deer who'd been bitten by a lion."
• On New York Private-School-Kid Fans: "You have, like, the girls that go to these schools and sort of live that life, and when they come up to you, there's a certain entitlement. They almost act like we're wasting their time when they come up to take pictures with us, and they give us a little bit of attitude. Like this 12-year-old came up to me, and she's like, 'Um, you're Penn Badgley." And I was like, 'Yeah, how do you know that?' And she was like, 'Ummmmmmm everybody knows who you are? Gossip Girl?' And she said it in this way like, 'Wow, you're disappointing.' You know, like, 'Shouldn’t you know that?"
• On Reality: "Josh [Schwartz] is a very talented writer, Stephanie [Savage] is a very talented writer, but they are obviously also very smart business people as well. I mean if they were, you know, starving for art, they would be writing plays in New York but they are writing a TV show in L.A."
• On Celebrity: "I want to do film. I want to be an actor — I don't want to be a celebrity. They are two different things, and people have forgotten that they are different. Because if you are one, you can be generally the other. Like if you are a celebrity, then anyone will let you be in a film or on a TV show, and if you're an actor, chances are if you are successful, you are becoming a celebrity."
• On the Experience: As Dan Humphrey, "I almost feel like I'm removed sometimes from the Gossip Girl world. Not all the time but in certain situations. I walked in the trailer the other day, the makeup trailer, and there's a bunch of new characters, like Penelope and Hazel. And they’re all there, like chattering about whatever it is, and I thought like, Wow, this show has become like this whole other thing. Like now we're bringing on so many other characters and it's this brand and people know they can use it, and it's incredible to watch because it's like this fusion of business and art and like creativity and commercial success. Josh and Stephanie do that well."
Related: The Genius of Gossip Girl [NYM]
Elvis may have left the building, but he'll be in Hollywood Friday night.
That's when the wacky World of Wonder Storefront Gallery opens DepARTed, a new art show featuring a...
Since winning last year's American Idol, Jordin Sparks has been performing non-stop. Which, as it turns out, wasn't such a great idea.
Sparks is being forced to sit out the...
I heard Paris is getting a new TV show about pets or something. Is this true? Isn't she supposed to have had troubles with all her dogs?
—Barrie, Wilkes-Barre, Pa. And her cat,...
Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images
Photo: Getty Images
Strike a pose [Guardian]
Photo: Ryan Muir
Once a week, Daily Intel takes a peek at what your friends and neighbors are doing behind doors left slightly ajar. Today, the Terrified-of-Seeing-the-Ex Fashion Student: 20, female, Manhattan, straight, single.
DAY ONE
11:56 a.m.: On my way to class. Ever since I moved into his neighborhood, I’m terrified of running into him … and his new, younger, prettier girlfriend. We had a happy relationship until one day he felt it was too much for him to handle and dumped me by deleting me on MySpace. Haven’t seen him in four months, and I’m still trying to figure out what to say when I finally do see him again.
5:13 p.m.: : Eye-fucking some hot guy in the elevator at school, but he reeks of the “straight-boy who goes to fashion school” ego. I suspect that the girls who have found decent boyfriends here are probably the same girls who have an orgasm every time. Lucky bitches…
9:19 p.m.: : Dinner with my best friend from high school. We finally resolve the typical catty bullshit we’ve been holding for years — but I can never tell her about that one-night stand I had with her boyfriend during freshman year of college after one too many Red Stripes.
DAY TWO
12:10 p.m.: : All the beautiful girls walking around campus with the words “Juicy” written across their asses and tits galore hanging out. I wonder how many male professors actually work here for the academia.
10:13 p.m.: Smoking a spliff at home with one of my friends.
10:40 p.m.: : One of those "we're high" conversations about how hot Shia LaBeouf is. He just seems like one of those intellectual, hot guys who knows how to hit all the right spots. He probably has a nice, big, pretty dick. Mmm … Shia.
10:48 p.m.: : My neighbor just knocked on my door to remind me that when the window is open, he can hear our conversations from upstairs.
DAY THREE
7:58 p.m.: My favorite matchmaker straight male friend has arranged a date for me with a mutual friend of ours from high school. I haven’t been laid since, unfortunately, our breakup four months ago. I just want to forget the touch of my ex and move on.
11:30 p.m.: Date. We're checking out the spoken word out at the Nuyorican Poets Cafe in LES. I don't know what's more seducing, the poetry or his cocky persona. But he's holding my hand and I'm falling for it.
12:15 a.m.: My favorite poem of the night so far, titled “Never Fall in Love With a Poet.” Amen, girl!
2:04 a.m.: My date tells me he’s really diggin’ the joint and that it should be “our” spot. So far, I’m still trying to decide if I really like him or just want sex.
3 a.m.: Fucking. And it’s such a disappointment. He’s so mechanical, and I wasn’t into his whole, “Okay, now do this, go this way, suck this, turn around…” You’re fucking me, so show me what you can do!
DAY FOUR
11:03 a.m.: He just left for work.
12:39 p.m.: Matchmaker friend just stopped by. He ran into my date from last night, and the asshole told him every single detail! Everything but the fact he lost his hard-on TWICE due to the fact he was stoned and how he had to spend 30 minutes psyching himself up in the kitchen.
5:30 p.m.: Just got a phone call from another mutual friend I share with the limp-dick. Apparently … his orgasm was "euphoric," and he thought my tattoo was incredibly sexy.
DAY FIVE
9:30 p.m.: I'm out for a few beers at Down the Hatch with some girlfriends from work. I’m hearing some boys will be joining us tonight.
11:45 p.m.: I’ve downed enough Jäger bombs for the night, and I’m tired of meeting new people and telling them what my major is. The girls and I are heading over to Fat Cat to meet up with more boys.
12:02 a.m.: I’ve just been introduced to one of the hottest guys I’ve seen in real life. Dark hair, blue eyes, and just enough scruff on his face. He is amazingly charming and I am amazingly turned on.
12:17a.m.: My girlfriend informs me that the smokin'-hot, wet-panty-inducing guy is not only her best friend, but also the secret love of her life. I can tell he’s not into her like that at all, but I finish my beer and headed home.
DAY SIX
1 p.m.: I just ran into my limp-dick date from the other night in Soho. We awkwardly dance around the subject of his gossiping mouth, but I decide to let him live … for now. He hooks me up with a nice bag of chronic, so I call it even.
2:34 p.m.: Along Essex Street, a man with a tattoo of a teardrop on his face yells at me, “Ay mami, que linda!” Nothing like the sweet serenades from the street to make a girl feel classy.
8:30 p.m.: Movie night at my apartment with my roommate. I hate staying at home. I can’t help but imagine my ex and the blonder girlfriend doing fabulously fun and dirty things. Even though I know better, I don’t want to admit that I might be the loser in this breakup.
DAY SEVEN
4:12 p.m.: My cute French friend, who is an intern at Chanel, just called to ask me to dinner tonight. It seems she’s bringing her boy toy, a male model, who conveniently has another model pal for me. I’ve never been on a blind date before or known any male models.
8:49 p.m.: Drinks and empanadas at Florencia 13 in the West Village. I love the margaritas but can’t stop staring at the hideous turquoise pashmina scarf my blind date is wearing.
9:23 p.m.: I’m bored to death by his vapid tales of the runway and turned off by how he “accidentally” pulled out his huge wad of hundred dollar-bills. I want to grab his pashmina and hang myself with it.
10:03 p.m.: After dinner, my date asks to walk me home. I politely tell him that I’ll be fine. I give the evil eye to my French girlfriend for thinking we’d hit it off.
10:09 p.m.: The French girl just sent me a text. My male-model escort for the evening … was 17. I light up and hope I don’t run into my ex along Houston Street.
TOTALS: One act of intercourse; one act of waiting for stoned date to redevelop a hard-on in the kitchen; one blind date with a model; zero feasible dating options.
Photo illustration: Everett Bogue; Photos: istockphoto
Today's piece made us wonder: If Frank Rich was this mean, what on earth did New York's John Simon think of the play? So we dug up his review to find out.
It's a keeper, all right; our favorite part might be where he openly mocked the Texas rubes he'd heard funded the show, and vividly described the "enormous, pear-shaped individual" who stumbled into the preview late and covered in vomit. "Moose Murders," Simon wrote, "is the only stage play I ever saw presented in stereo-odoriferous Smellovision."
But what's that we smell? We hope it's … a revival! Surely we'll be seeing this new, ironic production of Moose Murders at the Fringe next summer, right? We can only hope so.
John Simon's original review of Moose Murders [NYM, March 7, 1983]
A Broadway Flop Again Raises Its Antlers [NYT]
'Moose Murders,' a Brand of Whodunit [NYT]
On the Particular Pleasure of Seeing a Legendary Flop [NYT]
*Note! Someone affiliated with this show called us to tell us that the after-party was in a bowling alley. The show itself took place at the Rochester Contemporary Art Center.
Photo: CNN.com
Photo: CNN.com
See? Somehow not funny.
New Tees [Fimocolous]
Mr. and Mrs. Roboto.Photo: Courtesy of Sci Fi
They Have a Plan
Cally has always been a whiner, pining for Chief Tyrol until she finally landed him as her husband, but even she didn’t deserve the end that came her way. Tweaked out on antidepressants and lack of sleep, she was prepared to kill herself and her baby after discovering that Tyrol is a Cylon. But just before she opened the airlock, Tory — the very woman she thought was having an affair with Tyrol — arrived and pleaded with her not to go through with it. It seemed to be one of those heartrending near-miss moments the show executes so well — but once Cally lowered her guard, Tory snatched the baby and launched Cally into outer space. The other Cylons in the human fleet are grappling with their new identity; Tory has chosen to pursue pure evil.
Meanwhile, the Cylons, divided into two bitter factions — the hawkish Dean Stockwells and the dovish Tricia Helfers — had just reached a tentative truce when the Stockwells lead the Helfers’ ships into a trap, practically guaranteeing their doom. Stockwell’s a bit of a scene-chewer on Battlestar — he overdoes his character’s sarcastic flippancy — but he was utterly chilling Friday night, serving notice that no matter how human some Cylon models appear, they’re still cold-blooded machines out to do us harm.
Love Boat Galactica
Anders and Starbuck continued their hopeless charade of a marriage — he, the patient, supportive partner; she, the emotionally abusive spouse. You would think that Anders would be the ideal man for a woman like her: macho and heroic and sensitive all in one hunky bundle. But instead, the increasingly unhinged Starbuck is using him for a punching bag and joyless frak buddy. Battered wife that he is, he puts up with it. Still, this is one of the more stable marriages on the show.
We Are at War
Does anyone remember when Laura Roslin was likable? A great development in this final season is that the writers are turning our affection for her against us. Considering her insistence on secrecy and her dwindling group of close advisers, Roslin is lately giving off seriously unsettling Nixon-Bush vibes. Gone is her simple decency and soft touch — her fight to survive cancer and defeat the Cylons has drained the humanity right out of her. At the rate she’s going, Roslin may have more in common with the Dean Stockwells than she’d care to admit. —Tim Grierson
An awesome Batman-inspired Gareth Pugh dress.Photo: Getty Images
Mugler's Chimera dress is a fantastic representation of a body mutating, and proposes an unorthodox version of glamour that's about as far from the little black dress as the planet Krypton is from Earth. [Curator Andrew] Bolton describes it thus: "It is like the missing link, blending fish scales, amphibious scales, feathers and horsehair. It's like an ontological mystery fusing man and beast into new phenomena."
Like we said: If you use language like "man and beast" as your selling point, you just might get a straight guy to go with you to this. Your little brother may even be into it. Everyone wins! It may be a fashion first.
The POW!! factor: Comic-book superheroes can also be style icons [Independent]
Photo: Getty Images
Lohan really got into the music, tossing her hair around and doing full body rolls Ô even throwing her hands in the air and singing along to Madonna's new song "4 Minutes." She also sang along and pumped her chest to "Soulja Boy."
"Full body rolls"? "Pumped her chest"? Um. Maybe People doesn't want to say it straight out, or maybe they're just using really weird language, but does it not sound like LiLo is kind of an Elaine Benes?
Lindsay and Samantha's Night Out in NYC [People]
J. Lo in her tragic pregnant-performance outfit by
Cavalli.Photo: Getty Images
Why keep the bumps so secret? Roberto Cavalli, who famously confirmed that J.Lo's bump warranted watching when he offhandedly remarked it was challenging to design a concert outfit for her during her pregnancy, says pregnancy is "just a matter of cherishing and nurturing your small little treasure, and keeping it safe. Maybe, this is the reason why so many famous women are not revealing their state until the very last minute." You didn't take Cavalli for a mushy family man, did you? He even told Harper's Bazaar he sent Lopez clothes for her "small little treasures." We confess we didn't really know he made kids' clothes either. Here's hoping he didn't cobble them out of leftover fabric from Lopez's pregnant concert garb. They'd be exiled from the sandbox in no time.
The stars are now keeping 'bumps' under cover [IHT]
Photo: Getty Images
FINANCE
• Bank of America saw its third consecutive drop in earnings as it reported that profits were down 77 percent in first quarter. The firm also announced nearly $2 billion in write-downs. "These results clearly did not meet our expectations," the bank's chairman and CEO Kenneth Lewis said. No, really? [DealBook/NYT]
• Is the mayor considering merging his financial news service, Bloomberg LP, with the New York Times? [NYP]
• Scores strip club files for bankruptcy. (That counts as finance, right? Ha-ha.) [NYO]
REAL ESTATE
• A hedge-fund manager paid $801,000 for a storage room in the Dakota, the Upper West Side co-op near Central Park. [NYT]
• It's not easy being green in New York City, especially if you're a landlord. [NYM]
LAW
• A judge threw out a negligence claim filed by a woman who suffered a torn shoulder ligament when a minor scuffle broke out at her son's overcrowded fifth-grade graduation ceremony. [Law.com]
• The bankruptcy trustee of a New York hospital system has filed a $200 million malpractice suit against McBermott, Will & Emery and three of its lawyers, including William Smith, who famously told a judge that she might be a few French fries short of a Happy Meal. [Above the Law]
• Is this Clear Channel 2.0? Credit-card processor Alliance Data Systems is suing Blackstone, accusing the private-equity firm of breaching its agreement to buy the company. [WSJ]
Photo: Getty Images
• Jeff Zeleney and Katherine Q. Seelye say Obama has been casting Clinton in a more negative light than ever before in an effort to keep the race close and possibly force Clinton to drop out. [NYT]
• Jason Horowitz writes that the Obama campaign's "trappings of cheeriness" belie the negativity he's turning to as he seeks to sow doubts about Clinton among undecideds. [NYO]
• John Dickerson breaks down Obama's final speech, one that's similar to what he's been delivering for months except that it now contains a passage that "cuts Clinton down to size" on NAFTA, Columbia, Mark Penn, and Iraq. [Slate]
• Dan Balz and Shailagh Murray believe Obama's sharper rhetoric demonstrates that he's learned his lessons from earlier primaries in which he "appeared to coast toward the finish" and failed to deliver a knockout blow that could have forced Clinton from the race. [WP]
• Joe Klein thinks it's "pretty depressing" that both candidates' messages have "collapsed into blatant pandering." Obama eschews his talk of hope, instead making promises that he surely can't deliver. Clinton, for her part, apparently has a solution for everything, pandering on gas prices, free trade, and No Child Left Behind. [Swampland/Time]
• Jonathan Cohn responds to Klein, explaining the both candidates are so desperate: Clinton, because winning big is the only thing that could keep her campaign going, and Obama, because he needs to avoid the big loss that would allow Clinton to keep campaigning in North Carolina and Indiana. [Stump/New Republic]
• Both candidates are arguing about how bad a McCain presidency would really be. Obama told an audience that though "either Democrat would be better than John McCain," all three remaining candidates would be "better than George Bush." Clinton said that "we need a nominee who will take on John McCain, not cheer on John McCain." Ben Smith calls Obama's McCain comment "strategically puzzling," but possibly just an honest opinion . [Politico]
• John Nichols says Clinton is right in the "How bad is McCain?" argument: Not only does McCain promote one hundred years in Iraq, but he sings "Bomb Iran" and in general has a "more troubling" approach to foreign policy. At the same time, he believes Clinton has once again overplayed her hand by claiming Obama was cheering on McCain. [Campaign Matters/Nation]
• Mark Ambinder swelled with pride upon hearing Obama's remarks because they demonstrated a rare nuance, even though politically they were "a gift" to the Republicans. [Atlantic] —Dan Amira
Earlier: How Barack Obama Lost the Debate — and Whether It Matters
For a complete and regularly updated guide to presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain — from First Love to Most Embarrassing Gaffe — read the 2008 Electopedia.
We're envisioning a train soiled by ranch dust.Photo: Getty Images
There are no hotels in Crawford; the closest place to stay is the Weston Inn Suites & RV Park in McGregor, Tex., less than seven miles down the road, not a likely destination for Bush family guests. The nearest city, Waco, is a half-hour drive away. Out-of-town guests will fly to the little airport there (those lacking private planes and coming from a distance could face a long layover in Dallas) and will probably be transported to the ranch by shuttle bus, after going through security clearance in Waco.“There’s not even a place to park around here,” said Marilyn Judy, who runs the Crawford Chamber of Commerce. “I think all Crawford people will see will be a line of white vans going down the road.”
Um, white vans? An RV park?! Will dinner be assorted barbecued meats served on wax paper? We were fixing for a fight at the post office since our invitation seems to have gotten lost in the mail, but now we think we'll sit this one out.
The Hoedown in Crawford [NYT]
Drawn on eyebrows are so outPhoto: Getty Images
• Giorgio Armani is holding an international contest to find a director for the next Emporio Armani fragrance ad. The finalists get to go before Armani himself, so you know, screw Tribeca if you didn't make it. [British Vogue]
• Elizabeth Emmanuel designed Princess Diana's wedding dress but fell into obscurity when she went bankrupt in 1997. Now she's back with four wedding-dress designs for Bhs that cost about $1,000 each. They're foofy but not, like, royally foofy. [Daily Mail]
• Stefano Pilati made the bulbous trouser (wide at the hips and thighs and tapering at the ankle) a hot item in a 2007 Yves Saint Laurent runway show. Ironically these are not for bulbous people. [Independent]
• Calvin Klein jeans model Kate Bosworth says she was a geek in high school. Alas! We've been searching high and low for reasons to like her more. [British Vogue]
• In London fifties fashions are back in style, which means in a few months every hipster in Brooklyn will have blue suede shoes so start accepting it now. [Independent]
• Naomi Campbell bumped into the police officers who arrested her at Heathrow earlier this month and smiled broadly at them instead of spitting in their faces. Progress! [NYP]
• Fashion and architecture have a lot in common. As we've always said, most people never get to commission an architect, but getting dressed every day is like commissioning an architect for your body. [Independent]
• Kate Moss's ex Pete Doherty faces eviction from his nine-bedroom mansion for "spraying blood all over the walls." He also has nine cats running around in there, and it sounds like they don't have clean litter. Sad face. [Mirror]
• Kim Kardashian got free Ed Hardy gear for herself and friends for a recent trip to Mexico because she called paparazzi and told them she'd be in Mexico wearing Ed Hardy clothes. Ugh, freeloader. [NYP]
• Another reason being a socialite is so hard: Paris Hilton had to get a facial at Heathrow because jet-setting gave her acne. [Mirror]
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